My Bipolar Life

I write tonight as a broken-hearted mom. I've talked some about my 16 year old daughter's struggles with her health, including her mental health. It's painful to know that of the many great things that I bring to the world, I had to hand down my mental illness. I take some comfort in knowing that everyday it is easier because the medicine becomes better, the awareness becomes greater, and the stigma becomes less. But the thing is, my friends, we still have a long way to go. My heart is broken because Ella texted me earlier this evening to tell me that I child in her class has killed himself. An hour later her brother texted me from 350 miles away to tell me the same thing. And it hit me hard...really hard. And I'm not entirely sure why. Is it the fear that it could be one of my children just as easily? The guilt I forever carry that I tried to do the same damn thing to my mom many times? While I don't know why, I do know that my heart has felt heavy for 8 hours. My...

I am sad, the kind of sad that makes you feel broken. The good news is that I'm not going to let this sadness break me, I'm just going to be sad for a few minutes longer, write about it, and then begin to turn the corner. As anyone who knows me (or has been reading my blog for a bit) knows, I was on SSDI for just over 10 years and I've spent about the past five years trying to regain my independence through gainful employment because SSDI was never my end game. Unfortunately, I was too ill at that time to parent my children and be employed so I chose my children. These past five years haven't been perfect and there was one person in particular who very much liked to push all of my bipolar buttons. I don't so much want to elaborate on that because even two years later it makes me feel really badly about myself and about her. That someone could be so mean spirited that she needed to hurt me in such a manner. Anyway, I requested a transfer and only said that she didn...

This has been one hell of a week... My bipolar tendencies are always worse in the spring, specifically March and April. I'm a little more stressed, a lot more easily agitated, and angry. Maybe that's why I had always made a point of traveling around Dan's birthday, April 14th. I need a break from my life and those in my life probably need a break from me. Well, except Dan, because even at my worst he makes me look for the best. And since it's his birthday, I suppose he can come. ;) Well this year finances dictate that only one trip will happen so it'll be with the kids. May is better for the kids, so May it is. Therefore, vacation is far away but the bipolar meltdown is front and center. Only a few know how close I came to losing my shit on Monday night. Instead of an all out meltdown, I took a leave of absence from work. Why you may ask? No really good reason, actually. I was frustrated, overworked, tired, and under-monied so I damn near lost it. The true straw ...

The world lost a great man last week...and it's taken me over a week to get my thoughts out to share my thoughts in a way that would honor him. I met Dan about 25 years ago because he was absolutely obsessed with my friend, Kim. And when I say obsessed, I'm fairly certain he thought that the sun rose for her only and that the moon set for exactly the same reason. I thought he was a sweet guy who was raised to honor a women (I wasn't wrong) but he freaked Kim out because she had never had anyone be so interested in her with such intensity...ever. She asked, "Why does he keep telling me I'm beautiful, why does he look at me like that?" She then said, "He left a rose on my windshield...again. Are you sure he's not a stalker who's going to kill me?" I mean, I was obviously an expert on marriage and long-term relationships because I was 20 or 21 so of course I was the perfect person to ask. I simply said that he seemed nice to me so let it happen...

Some things I've learned in my 44  years... 1-It's okay to fail as long as you learn something from it. We all stumble at times, we fail, we all doubt ourselves. The true failure comes from not learning from these mistakes and trying it differently next time. 2-It is okay to be wrong, and it's even better to admit it when you are. Anyone who knows me closely knows this is still a very hard one for me. Even when I am wrong I can pretty easily manipulate a conversation to convince the other they're wrong so they ultimately concede. I really thought this made me clever and obviously right but it was honestly just evil. Own your mistakes and move on because it earns you respect. 3-You are responsible for the actions of no one but yourself so stop apologizing for other's actions. Have I ever apologized for my husband's, one of my parent's, or one of my children's actions? Absolutely, I have and I am 100%, without a doubt, certain that more people than t...

I have often said that I started writing this for myself as a way to reconcile my feelings when I was very ill because I was pretty certain that I was going to die. I was also writing it for my children as a diary of sorts so they had a way to look back because because they were younger, Ella especially, and I was always afraid that the memories of me would slowly become more and more dim . I wanted them to know my heart and how I felt and just how hard I fought for them every day; that they were then and always will be the best of me, the best thing I've ever done. Thankfully, these thoughts no longer consume me and I don't worry about dying all that often anymore. I have been successfully working full-time for over four years now. Not only doing it but excelling. Ten years ago I'm sure no one ever thought I'd work again. With working comes great things because I have always been a bit of a workaholic and I drew pride from a job well done. Plus, a bit of my identity c...

I always look back at my most bipolar moments with huge regret. Regret because I couldn't keep my emotions in check, regret because my behavior was out of control and often unforgivable, and regret because no matter what I do with my life from this day forward there are people who will never see me differently than they did then. I realized recently that this self doubt makes it hard for to not always be ready for the other shoe to drop especially when the self doubt turns into self loathing. I try so hard to love myself for who I am and how far I've come but that is so difficult. I am in the midst of a huge self loathing period and I have begun realize that the girl who I was is there deep down just waiting to pop out and show people who've never seen me in my most bipolar moments.  The worst part is mental illness, for me, are the days I can't see me how most people see me now as a chatty, funny, and even tempered girl. I'm not even tempered by nature and I'v...