The Other Shoe...

I always look back at my most bipolar moments with huge regret. Regret because I couldn't keep my emotions in check, regret because my behavior was out of control and often unforgivable, and regret because no matter what I do with my life from this day forward there are people who will never see me differently than they did then. I realized recently that this self doubt makes it hard for to not always be ready for the other shoe to drop especially when the self doubt turns into self loathing. I try so hard to love myself for who I am and how far I've come but that is so difficult.

I am in the midst of a huge self loathing period and I have begun realize that the girl who I was is there deep down just waiting to pop out and show people who've never seen me in my most bipolar moments.  The worst part is mental illness, for me, are the days I can't see me how most people see me now as a chatty, funny, and even tempered girl. I'm not even tempered by nature and I've only been able to maintain this calm by suppressing everything that I don't want to deal with...ever. This works well for quite a long time before I snap and yell, cry, and carry on. And today was the day that I really lost it...at freaking work. I spent so long trying to convince myself that I was good, I was okay, I was sane that I almost believed it. I think they believed it, too. They find it hard to believe that I have any illness and they think that I exaggerate the severity. But I don't and maybe today they believe me. Don't get me wrong, I fine with them not believing me but as life goes, my life, at least, the other shoe is coming and it dropped hard on the ground.

It's not that I was filled with self loathing today but just the pain that is life, adulting in particular. Today is my nephew's birthday and he passed away almost 2 years ago.  While I was never exceptionally close to him because he was already a teen when I married his uncle my heart still breaks for my husband, my mother-in-law, my sister-in-law, my nephew, and my great niece. And the sadness I felt didn't help an already crappy day. I am overwhelmed with responsibility and an inability to manage everything being throw at me right now. I'm struggling in my personal life so my professional life has been a reprieve from my hard days. But, today I let it seep in.

I know we all have bad days because that is just a part of this life we life. The problem is, that my bad days turn into a shit show that can be a disaster to clean up. But as always, I'm going to make lemonade out of lemons and fixate on something that was said to me that gave me hope that tomorrow will be better. I was told that I'm so, so, so smart and way too hard on myself. I guess the reality is, that even when I feel lost, damaged, and unlovable others see at least some beauty. So as I lay down to sleep I will focus on the beauty at the end of an otherwise ugly day.

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