Going Down Fighting
I haven't written in several weeks because these last few weeks have been especially hard and I tend to get closed off when things don't go my way. I have a very hard time admitting out loud when I am failing. I like to think of myself as strong, confident and indestructible but the reality is that I am probably none of these things. I want so badly to be perfect and to achieve perfection that I will probably kill myself trying. The saddest part is that I don't expect perfection from anyone but myself. I am the first to defend someone when they behave badly, fail or simply stumble yet I NEVER allow myself this courtesy. Part of me knows that this is because if I allow myself to see my million faults then I will know with absolute certainty that everyone else can easily see these faults, too. I don't want faults, I want perfection. Simple, unattainable perfection.
The last month has been hard because I am struggling with school. It is just so much harder than I thought it would be. I don't know how I thought I could go from being an at home parent to a full-time student, full-time employee and still a full-time parent while my health was on a decline. And let's face facts, my health is declining. Part of me hasn't accepted that maybe but my head knows it's true. School is hard, getting to work and keeping my head in it is hard, being a parent is hard and I am mucking it all up. I had romanticized this whole experience and it not romantic at all. I had visions of sitting side by side with Dan while we studied, occasionally discussing what we were studying. But the reality is, we barely see each other, let alone, study together. Further add that Dan is 1000 times more organized than I am and school is coming to him easier. Or at least it appears easier, if I am honest, maybe he is just a harder worker. But I am jealous of how effortless he makes it seem when I feel like I am drowning at every turn. I feel extremely guilty for that because he doesn't even tell me the good things that happen at school because he doesn't want to make my petty jealousy worse. I try to tell him how proud I am of him but it doesn't seem that he believes me. But I am, really proud in fact.
He tries to tell me that I have it harder with my health but you know what? I don't care. I am feel like using my health as a reason why I keep failing is just an excuse. Maybe the real reason is that I am lazy and unmotivated. Maybe I don't put in the extra effort required to graduate college. Maybe I am not smart enough. Maybe it is all of these things. The hard part in admitting these things is that I am now making them real. I am now saying out loud that I may never achieve my dream of a college degree. And saying those words is hard. I am sick of playing this hard, I am sick of being sick and I am sick of being jealous. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, I want to overcome these bumps in the road but I just don't know how. My solution for dealing with problems lately has been to sleep 12 hours a day. Well that is effin ridiculous and will get me nowhere fast.
I am now at the point where I have one semester left to prove that I can succeed or I will become financial aid ineligible. I can still go to school but I would have to pay out of pocket and if I had the money to pay out of pocket, why in the hell would I be taking financial aid now?!?!?! My GPA is high but my class drop rate is too. I cannot drop any summer classes so when I picked them tonight I cried because I hope that I chose wisely. If I didn't or another near death episode comes, my college dreams are over. Well, maybe I can take a few classes when Dan graduates and we can pay out of pocket but let's face it, I am no spring chicken so time is kind of ticking.
I hope that by saying these words out loud, the struggle will become easier. Maybe by admitting that I am far from perfect, I will stop expecting people to think that I am.....maybe. No promises, I am a work in progress, a very flawed one at that. The doctors have always said that March is the hardest month for bipolars to cope so maybe in a few weeks, I will feel more like me. We can hope at least. Life is hard for everyone, not just me. And if I look around, I am sure I can find someone who has it so much harder than I do. So for today, I am going to keep calm and carry on. I think that is my only choice because curling up in a ball and failing is not happening. I may not succeed but I am going to go down fighting. Because if anything at all, I am a fighter.
The last month has been hard because I am struggling with school. It is just so much harder than I thought it would be. I don't know how I thought I could go from being an at home parent to a full-time student, full-time employee and still a full-time parent while my health was on a decline. And let's face facts, my health is declining. Part of me hasn't accepted that maybe but my head knows it's true. School is hard, getting to work and keeping my head in it is hard, being a parent is hard and I am mucking it all up. I had romanticized this whole experience and it not romantic at all. I had visions of sitting side by side with Dan while we studied, occasionally discussing what we were studying. But the reality is, we barely see each other, let alone, study together. Further add that Dan is 1000 times more organized than I am and school is coming to him easier. Or at least it appears easier, if I am honest, maybe he is just a harder worker. But I am jealous of how effortless he makes it seem when I feel like I am drowning at every turn. I feel extremely guilty for that because he doesn't even tell me the good things that happen at school because he doesn't want to make my petty jealousy worse. I try to tell him how proud I am of him but it doesn't seem that he believes me. But I am, really proud in fact.
He tries to tell me that I have it harder with my health but you know what? I don't care. I am feel like using my health as a reason why I keep failing is just an excuse. Maybe the real reason is that I am lazy and unmotivated. Maybe I don't put in the extra effort required to graduate college. Maybe I am not smart enough. Maybe it is all of these things. The hard part in admitting these things is that I am now making them real. I am now saying out loud that I may never achieve my dream of a college degree. And saying those words is hard. I am sick of playing this hard, I am sick of being sick and I am sick of being jealous. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, I want to overcome these bumps in the road but I just don't know how. My solution for dealing with problems lately has been to sleep 12 hours a day. Well that is effin ridiculous and will get me nowhere fast.
I am now at the point where I have one semester left to prove that I can succeed or I will become financial aid ineligible. I can still go to school but I would have to pay out of pocket and if I had the money to pay out of pocket, why in the hell would I be taking financial aid now?!?!?! My GPA is high but my class drop rate is too. I cannot drop any summer classes so when I picked them tonight I cried because I hope that I chose wisely. If I didn't or another near death episode comes, my college dreams are over. Well, maybe I can take a few classes when Dan graduates and we can pay out of pocket but let's face it, I am no spring chicken so time is kind of ticking.
I hope that by saying these words out loud, the struggle will become easier. Maybe by admitting that I am far from perfect, I will stop expecting people to think that I am.....maybe. No promises, I am a work in progress, a very flawed one at that. The doctors have always said that March is the hardest month for bipolars to cope so maybe in a few weeks, I will feel more like me. We can hope at least. Life is hard for everyone, not just me. And if I look around, I am sure I can find someone who has it so much harder than I do. So for today, I am going to keep calm and carry on. I think that is my only choice because curling up in a ball and failing is not happening. I may not succeed but I am going to go down fighting. Because if anything at all, I am a fighter.
Comments
Post a Comment