Where's the manic train?
The bipolar is kicking my ass. Hard! Everytime I feel like I have this all handled, life throws a curveball and this time I can't throw it back. I am meekly rolling it away and life is throwing it harder and harder. I have school. my billions of doctors appointments, my family and work. I am physically and emotionally exhausted which for me are signs of depression and I am ignoring everyone of my rules to keep myself out of a depressive episode. These rules include sleeping on a schedule, being a little vain (meaing staying on top of my grooming; I am often told I smell great and I take pride in that), and generally just keep propelling myself forward come hell or highwater. Well I cannot seem to do that today or lately, for that matter. I have felt like a lot of conquering my bipolar has been strength as well as a great doctor and medicine.
I have been sleeping most of the day. Sometimes up to twelve hours a day. This is just crazy. No one needs twelve hours of sleep and I know for me it is entirely too much. I sleep to avoid anything and everything. This is not healthy and not good. I am faling behind in school, so far behind that I may not be able to catch up. I am aware that I can take a medical exemption but that I just don't want to do that. Because I hold myself to a higher standard than any other human in the whole entire world. That, my friends, is probably my biggest failing. I feel like I can do anything with complete success without any failure. I spent sixteen days in the hospital yet, I give myself no pass on being behind in school. I need to find a way to forgive myself for being human and normal.
I guess the reality is my normal is to live my life with rose colored glasses and expect everything to always be perfect. For me to always be perfect. Don't get me wrong, I am FAR from perfect but I cannot let my failures go. Sometimes it takes days, sometimes weeks and sometimes months. I will beat myself up for the most minute things for days because I refuse to think that I cannot achieve perfection if only I tried harder. This is the bipolar mind at its finest. My inability to accept reality and always see things the way that I want them to be, not the way they are. I have been handling the bipolar ups and downs amazingly well for the past several years but now I am in shut down mode. UGH!
I know why it is but have no idea how to fix it. The reality is, I work too much to go to school full-time and go to school to full-time while effectively parent while being very ill. All that being said, I do not want to give any of it up. I want it all, every single last piece of it. My normal bipolar self could handle all this but right now, I just can't. I am not on the manic train that I usually ride on and I am completely overwhelmed. I do not know what I should regarding school because in my dilusional head, I can catch up but the reality is, I may not.
So where does this leave me? It leaves me in limbo. It leaves me in a place where I don't have a handle on the bipolar and that I DO NOT like. It leaves me behind in school and that I DO NOT like. It leaves me sad and hard to be around and that I DO NOT like. Bipolar is hard and it challenges me daily. I have not been cured but I certainly thought I had it handled. But I guess not, I guess it will never be completely handled. I have had four rough years and I have stayed strong. I guess it was about time for me to crack a little. I guess a little crack is okay and a little failure is okay for me and for everyone else. So when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Even though today, I cannot figure how to make the lemonade effectively, I will someday soon.
Everyone that loves me tells me that I have been through a lot and forgive myself for shortcomings that I may have now and I am working on doing just that. I am a smart girl and I should probably learn to follow their advice. So follow advice I will, pull myself up by boot straps, and try again. That is all I can do. I am loved and supported and for that I need to be grateful. I like to find a reason to be grateful everyday which has been intensely hard today. So for today, I am grateful for the love and support of my friends and family, as always I am grateful for life, and I am grateful as I battle bipolar days like today are few and far between. I hope that I am close to gaining control over the bipolar and not letting it contol me. Right now, it is winning and I am way too stubborn to continue to let that happen much longer. Life is too short to live it unhappy, angry, vengeful and downright mean so tomorrow I choose to kick this depressesion's ass HARD, and while I am at it, I think I will say goodbye to all my bad feeling about my medical diagnosis. Life is what it is and this is hand I was dealt. Just because it appears to be a crappy hand, it doesn't have to be. Life is like poker, with a little bit of luck and a lot of stradegy a crappy had can be the winner. I am going to take my crappy hand make it a winner. There really is no other choice.
I have been sleeping most of the day. Sometimes up to twelve hours a day. This is just crazy. No one needs twelve hours of sleep and I know for me it is entirely too much. I sleep to avoid anything and everything. This is not healthy and not good. I am faling behind in school, so far behind that I may not be able to catch up. I am aware that I can take a medical exemption but that I just don't want to do that. Because I hold myself to a higher standard than any other human in the whole entire world. That, my friends, is probably my biggest failing. I feel like I can do anything with complete success without any failure. I spent sixteen days in the hospital yet, I give myself no pass on being behind in school. I need to find a way to forgive myself for being human and normal.
I guess the reality is my normal is to live my life with rose colored glasses and expect everything to always be perfect. For me to always be perfect. Don't get me wrong, I am FAR from perfect but I cannot let my failures go. Sometimes it takes days, sometimes weeks and sometimes months. I will beat myself up for the most minute things for days because I refuse to think that I cannot achieve perfection if only I tried harder. This is the bipolar mind at its finest. My inability to accept reality and always see things the way that I want them to be, not the way they are. I have been handling the bipolar ups and downs amazingly well for the past several years but now I am in shut down mode. UGH!
I know why it is but have no idea how to fix it. The reality is, I work too much to go to school full-time and go to school to full-time while effectively parent while being very ill. All that being said, I do not want to give any of it up. I want it all, every single last piece of it. My normal bipolar self could handle all this but right now, I just can't. I am not on the manic train that I usually ride on and I am completely overwhelmed. I do not know what I should regarding school because in my dilusional head, I can catch up but the reality is, I may not.
So where does this leave me? It leaves me in limbo. It leaves me in a place where I don't have a handle on the bipolar and that I DO NOT like. It leaves me behind in school and that I DO NOT like. It leaves me sad and hard to be around and that I DO NOT like. Bipolar is hard and it challenges me daily. I have not been cured but I certainly thought I had it handled. But I guess not, I guess it will never be completely handled. I have had four rough years and I have stayed strong. I guess it was about time for me to crack a little. I guess a little crack is okay and a little failure is okay for me and for everyone else. So when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Even though today, I cannot figure how to make the lemonade effectively, I will someday soon.
Everyone that loves me tells me that I have been through a lot and forgive myself for shortcomings that I may have now and I am working on doing just that. I am a smart girl and I should probably learn to follow their advice. So follow advice I will, pull myself up by boot straps, and try again. That is all I can do. I am loved and supported and for that I need to be grateful. I like to find a reason to be grateful everyday which has been intensely hard today. So for today, I am grateful for the love and support of my friends and family, as always I am grateful for life, and I am grateful as I battle bipolar days like today are few and far between. I hope that I am close to gaining control over the bipolar and not letting it contol me. Right now, it is winning and I am way too stubborn to continue to let that happen much longer. Life is too short to live it unhappy, angry, vengeful and downright mean so tomorrow I choose to kick this depressesion's ass HARD, and while I am at it, I think I will say goodbye to all my bad feeling about my medical diagnosis. Life is what it is and this is hand I was dealt. Just because it appears to be a crappy hand, it doesn't have to be. Life is like poker, with a little bit of luck and a lot of stradegy a crappy had can be the winner. I am going to take my crappy hand make it a winner. There really is no other choice.
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