It Is Okay To Be Scared
Started this last night, dozed off during the writing....so here it finally is
Today is NOT my favorite day.....I am completely exhausted emotionally and physically. The reality of my life is that I have so many people who truly love me but I honestly don't think any one person understands me. I recognize that it is difficult to understand another person's situation especially when they look at things completely different than you do. I understand that my loved ones and support people look at life vastly different than me, but don't we all look at the world different than the person next to us? Unfortunately, this lack of understanding has been difficult and painful for me because I need someone to go to bat for me sometimes when I don't feel confident in my ability to express myself.
I know that it seems like I am saying that I can't take care of myself and guess what, I can't. I NEED help sometimes, a lot of the time, in fact. I need someone to speak up on my behalf from time to time. This is not because I cannot express myself but rather because I am bipolar and people have decided things about me before I even open my mouth. Like today, I ended up in the ER because of chest pain which they ultimately said were caused by my vaso spasms. There were two doctors that came in: the resident and the attending. Well the attending was clearly not familiar with my case because after the resident said it was looking like it was the spasms, I asked the attending follow up question about the spasms and he said that they were very hard to diagnose. I asked if that was even the case in previously diagnosed cases. He then asked if I have had a heart cath for diagnosis and I said I had. He said "Oh, did they use dye?", I said yep and he said "Oh" and kind of gave me an odd look. For those keeping score, this is procedure that I coded during last year and they had to revive me. It is just completely upsetting when a medical professional has the facts to support an illness and I an still made to feel as if I am crazy for suffering from it. I spend so much of my life feeling crazy that I don't need people to make me feel more so. Especially, someone who should be more educated on the fact. And when this happens, I need to know that I am not as crazy as I feel. I need someone to defend my honor and to say, "Hey". Should I be able to fight my own battles....well, yes, maybe so but sometimes I need someone to fight along with me. Why is this even an issue you may wonder? It is an issue because I was being prejudged and no matter what I say will change their opinion of the situation because it had been decided that I was too crazy to have a valuable opinion and a sane opinion was needed.
Besides needing someone to speak up on my behalf, I need people who think and say they love me to hear my words and value and respect them. I CANNOT hear one more time that I shouldn't worry about the knee surgery. I have heard that it is standard and the doctors do several a day. I have heard that I shouldn't worry until something goes wrong. And my personal favorite.....I will be just fine and everything will be okay. Well to all of you, I kindly say, your comments are not helping and they may have even made me cry. My mom and mother-in-law keep telling me that everyone is trying to comfort me but I feel belittled. Belittled because this surgery, or any other one, will never be standard for me because I am high risk and my complication risks are much higher than most. I also feel like something has gone wrong already, a lot of somethings actually, so I feel entitled to my worry. And as far as me being just fine, no one, even the doctors know if this is true. Now the logical part of me knows that you are trying to comfort me but it just makes me think that my feelings are invalid and that you think that, too. I know the word belittled seems harsh and I am sorry because I don't want to be harsh or confrontational, I just want to be heard. I feel like those around me aren't listening to my story when they have an opinion and to discount what I have been through to get here is to discount me and my feelings.
I know this probably seems like a lot to ask because you have been thinking of my feelings and it may seem like I don't appreciate it. I do appreciate it but it just isn't helping me because the crazy wins. I am trying to tell you how the crazy works so it can be comforted. I know this sounds self centered and awful, and I am sorry but I am falling apart slowly and can't pull myself because the crazy is winning. My logical part is telling me is take the comfort and except it. But the emotional part, that is SCARED right now, needs things to be said differently. I need to hear that my feelings are valid and that you are trying to understand. The most comforting words right now are: 1) I hope you are okay, 2) I am praying for you, 3) I love you, 4) The doctors are the experts, and my personal favorite 5) It is okay to be scared.
Today is NOT my favorite day.....I am completely exhausted emotionally and physically. The reality of my life is that I have so many people who truly love me but I honestly don't think any one person understands me. I recognize that it is difficult to understand another person's situation especially when they look at things completely different than you do. I understand that my loved ones and support people look at life vastly different than me, but don't we all look at the world different than the person next to us? Unfortunately, this lack of understanding has been difficult and painful for me because I need someone to go to bat for me sometimes when I don't feel confident in my ability to express myself.
I know that it seems like I am saying that I can't take care of myself and guess what, I can't. I NEED help sometimes, a lot of the time, in fact. I need someone to speak up on my behalf from time to time. This is not because I cannot express myself but rather because I am bipolar and people have decided things about me before I even open my mouth. Like today, I ended up in the ER because of chest pain which they ultimately said were caused by my vaso spasms. There were two doctors that came in: the resident and the attending. Well the attending was clearly not familiar with my case because after the resident said it was looking like it was the spasms, I asked the attending follow up question about the spasms and he said that they were very hard to diagnose. I asked if that was even the case in previously diagnosed cases. He then asked if I have had a heart cath for diagnosis and I said I had. He said "Oh, did they use dye?", I said yep and he said "Oh" and kind of gave me an odd look. For those keeping score, this is procedure that I coded during last year and they had to revive me. It is just completely upsetting when a medical professional has the facts to support an illness and I an still made to feel as if I am crazy for suffering from it. I spend so much of my life feeling crazy that I don't need people to make me feel more so. Especially, someone who should be more educated on the fact. And when this happens, I need to know that I am not as crazy as I feel. I need someone to defend my honor and to say, "Hey". Should I be able to fight my own battles....well, yes, maybe so but sometimes I need someone to fight along with me. Why is this even an issue you may wonder? It is an issue because I was being prejudged and no matter what I say will change their opinion of the situation because it had been decided that I was too crazy to have a valuable opinion and a sane opinion was needed.
Besides needing someone to speak up on my behalf, I need people who think and say they love me to hear my words and value and respect them. I CANNOT hear one more time that I shouldn't worry about the knee surgery. I have heard that it is standard and the doctors do several a day. I have heard that I shouldn't worry until something goes wrong. And my personal favorite.....I will be just fine and everything will be okay. Well to all of you, I kindly say, your comments are not helping and they may have even made me cry. My mom and mother-in-law keep telling me that everyone is trying to comfort me but I feel belittled. Belittled because this surgery, or any other one, will never be standard for me because I am high risk and my complication risks are much higher than most. I also feel like something has gone wrong already, a lot of somethings actually, so I feel entitled to my worry. And as far as me being just fine, no one, even the doctors know if this is true. Now the logical part of me knows that you are trying to comfort me but it just makes me think that my feelings are invalid and that you think that, too. I know the word belittled seems harsh and I am sorry because I don't want to be harsh or confrontational, I just want to be heard. I feel like those around me aren't listening to my story when they have an opinion and to discount what I have been through to get here is to discount me and my feelings.
I know this probably seems like a lot to ask because you have been thinking of my feelings and it may seem like I don't appreciate it. I do appreciate it but it just isn't helping me because the crazy wins. I am trying to tell you how the crazy works so it can be comforted. I know this sounds self centered and awful, and I am sorry but I am falling apart slowly and can't pull myself because the crazy is winning. My logical part is telling me is take the comfort and except it. But the emotional part, that is SCARED right now, needs things to be said differently. I need to hear that my feelings are valid and that you are trying to understand. The most comforting words right now are: 1) I hope you are okay, 2) I am praying for you, 3) I love you, 4) The doctors are the experts, and my personal favorite 5) It is okay to be scared.
Comments
Post a Comment