Well Played God

I have always prided myself on my strength.  I get almost giddy when someone says that I am the strongest person that they have ever met because once I started managing my life with the steely determination that I was in control of the course in which my life goes,  I began to control the bipolar instead of it controlling me.  I began to work again and not only work but rather be quite successful at it.  I have won a fairly major award for my commitment to volunteer work.  This was the word I used to describe myself if asked: strong, and I carried that strong badge proudly.  I eventually realized that I was not actually controlling the course in which my life goes at all but I was simply controlling how I reacted to it.  I could choose to face the storm head on and say, "well this isn't my plan but it is His plan so this I, too, can overcome." or I could curl up in a ball and let life wash me away.  I could let my identity be stolen and I could lose all control and I simply refuse to let that happen.  But you know what?  Some days it is unbearably difficult to keep standing up when life keeps knocking me down.  I have realized that my life is a series of high peaks and low valleys.  Now is definitely a valley and I am mad but I need to find myself in there and power through to find the peak on the other side.

As most of you know, I had my knee replaced on July 1st.  It was a recovery that I don't so much want to go through again in this life because at times it was very painful and just plain hard.  In those moments, I knew how proud my kids were and I pushed through that physical therapy like I was in some sort of marathoner and not some suburban mother just trying to heal.  It some ways this devotion boded well for me because I finished my therapy ahead of schedule.  My doctor and therapist were impressed with my progress (and for my people pleasing personality, I loved this).  Now my leg is re injured and I just cannot think anything but WTF?!?!  I am failing to find the steely determination to again go through the rehab process and if I am honest, I am mad.  I saved for close to two years to take a trip with my family before all my kids are moved out and it had to be cancelled because it is best to save money when I am again not working.  How do I find the strength to spin this positively?  What is the lesson here?  What in the hell am I missing here?  Because all I keep thinking when I sob into my pillow every night is why me......AGAIN????  I am a good person, I am a kind person, I would do anything for anyone yet my dreams seem to be of little importance to those who choose my life path.  Because I concede that I don't get to choose where my life goes but only how I react to it.  I want so badly to react with strength, dignity, and grace but I am mad.  Well, and a little jealous that I just cannot do it the easy way.  This is painful both physically and emotionally.

So, sit tight, while I search for my strength because I know deep down that I have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and get on with it because I have a knee to rehab.  I have to get my steely determination and kick this weak chick in the ass.  I need to continue to teach my children that life may not be what you want it to be in your dreams but you must still face your life with strength to smoothly get through it.  I think that I am realizing that the lesson here is that my kids learn what they live from me and that is an awesome responsibility and I cannot mess it up.  I am empowered to guide these three amazing kids to their own journey and if I show them that life knocks you down, get up, get up, get up, they are more likely to have their own strength when life hits a rough patch.  Life can be ugly but surviving is beautiful and I thank Him for reminding me to teach my children to notice that beauty.  Well play God, well played!