I think I accept it.......

I remember starting this blog at the beginning of the year saying that this this was the year that my life was going to change.  For the better, or so I thought.  It has changed but it just seems that it is getting more and more difficult.  It seems that I get diagnosis after diagnosis after diagnosis.  I got another diagnosis a couple of days ago and I just do not even know what to do with it.  I have a terminal blood disorder.  It isn't to mean that I am dying today or even soon, just that this is most likely how I will go.

I sit and wonder, why me?  But why not me?  I see no reason why my life is of more value than any other life.  We are all equally special and for some reason I was given what may seem like a raw deal.  At this point, I have no choice but to look at it, be mad it, cry about it, yell about it and then accept it.  Accept that I have a greater risk of dying than most people, especially those my age. I think I accept it, I think, being the key words.

With acceptance, I need to think about what it would actually really, truly be like if I died. How would I be remembered?  Would it be like I would like to be remembered?  Am I the person that I think I am?  If I am not, what do I need to do to change that?  I would like to be remembered as kind, witty, smart, hardworking, and loyal.  These are the things that I think define me and I hope they do.  I am going to work harder everyday to be this person so even if I am not her now, I will someday be.  The greatest thing about this is I have given myself something else to think about beside dying; I am going to think about being the best me I can be until the end of my time, whenever that may be.