Anger Management
I haven't written a long time because as my last entry said, I have been in a bad place. I would love to say that I am in a much better place but that isn't very true. In the last few weeks alone, I have had three people tell me how horrible I am. Well as much as I truly try to not worry what others think of me, it is nearly impossible when three people who know you well think awful things about you. How do I not take that personally? How is that not about me? Am I simply delusional about who I am and what I bring to the table? Am not the kind, caring, friendly person that I want to be, that I think I am?
I have made some changes and one of the biggest is that I am seeing a new psychiatrist. I needed that change. I needed some new tough love but there needs to be love in there. My previous doctor wasn't all that invested in my well-being. He said some rather mean things to me at my last appointment and I used all my strength to walkaway knowing that being spoken negatively to by someone who should have my back is not going to work for me. I was heartbroken because a patient/psychiatrist relationship is a close one and it is hard to walk away. The doctor knows so much intimate information about you that is just so difficult to make that change, but I did it. I think the most comforting that happened during that time was my husband telling me that I am so much stronger than I am even willing to admit. I needed that more than he probably knows. That simple gesture is why I am such a strong advocate for reaching out when someone looks like they need it. You could save a life. Did Dan save my life that night, well no, but one step closer to the dark and I may have been a position to need a life saver. Thankfully my husband stepped in at the perfect moment and keep me from letting my head slip in to the bad places that it can sometimes go. I am lucky, I am loved by a good man and have a great family. I have people to build me up even when I am not always so deserving of that love.
The new doctor has made some interesting observations; things I had never heard before. He feels that I have anger management issues that I need to address in therapy. This is a stunner to me \because I rarely lose my temper. Do you know what I found out and never knew before? Suppressing anger is a serious anger management problem, I simply don't effectively address anger and on the rare times I do, I handle myself inappropriately. Interesting, right? This is the key difference between the new doctor and the old doctor. They both said things that I didn't want to hear but one left me in hysterical, body shaking sobs and one left me motivated to improve myself and figure out how to be the best me possible. So that is where I am at: the improving me stage of my journey. The best thing about life is that it is entirely about the journey and not at all about the destination.
Ultimately, I am starting to feel better about me but the bipolar has been doing a very good job of making sure that I know it is there. It will not be forgotten or ignored. In this battle with bipolar that is my life, I am going to win. It make take awhile and it may not look pretty but I am going to kick it hard. I am working every day to be the best me that I can be and most days I am pretty happy with who I am.
The journey of school is not the greatest but I have come to some big decisions. I am going to keep going but I am going to go two semesters only part time and then resume my full time classes. It was too much and I was not succeeding at it. I wasn't exactly failing at it either, I was just hovering in mediocrity. Mediocrity is not an option when it is my education and my future on the line. The next thing I am doing is starting to volunteer at a rape crisis center. I need to be sure that my major is right for me and the only way to know is to jump into the deep end. So in I go. This is my journey and I am the only one who can decide if it is good or a bad ride. I will do everything I can to make it a good one.
I have made some changes and one of the biggest is that I am seeing a new psychiatrist. I needed that change. I needed some new tough love but there needs to be love in there. My previous doctor wasn't all that invested in my well-being. He said some rather mean things to me at my last appointment and I used all my strength to walkaway knowing that being spoken negatively to by someone who should have my back is not going to work for me. I was heartbroken because a patient/psychiatrist relationship is a close one and it is hard to walk away. The doctor knows so much intimate information about you that is just so difficult to make that change, but I did it. I think the most comforting that happened during that time was my husband telling me that I am so much stronger than I am even willing to admit. I needed that more than he probably knows. That simple gesture is why I am such a strong advocate for reaching out when someone looks like they need it. You could save a life. Did Dan save my life that night, well no, but one step closer to the dark and I may have been a position to need a life saver. Thankfully my husband stepped in at the perfect moment and keep me from letting my head slip in to the bad places that it can sometimes go. I am lucky, I am loved by a good man and have a great family. I have people to build me up even when I am not always so deserving of that love.
The new doctor has made some interesting observations; things I had never heard before. He feels that I have anger management issues that I need to address in therapy. This is a stunner to me \because I rarely lose my temper. Do you know what I found out and never knew before? Suppressing anger is a serious anger management problem, I simply don't effectively address anger and on the rare times I do, I handle myself inappropriately. Interesting, right? This is the key difference between the new doctor and the old doctor. They both said things that I didn't want to hear but one left me in hysterical, body shaking sobs and one left me motivated to improve myself and figure out how to be the best me possible. So that is where I am at: the improving me stage of my journey. The best thing about life is that it is entirely about the journey and not at all about the destination.
Ultimately, I am starting to feel better about me but the bipolar has been doing a very good job of making sure that I know it is there. It will not be forgotten or ignored. In this battle with bipolar that is my life, I am going to win. It make take awhile and it may not look pretty but I am going to kick it hard. I am working every day to be the best me that I can be and most days I am pretty happy with who I am.
The journey of school is not the greatest but I have come to some big decisions. I am going to keep going but I am going to go two semesters only part time and then resume my full time classes. It was too much and I was not succeeding at it. I wasn't exactly failing at it either, I was just hovering in mediocrity. Mediocrity is not an option when it is my education and my future on the line. The next thing I am doing is starting to volunteer at a rape crisis center. I need to be sure that my major is right for me and the only way to know is to jump into the deep end. So in I go. This is my journey and I am the only one who can decide if it is good or a bad ride. I will do everything I can to make it a good one.
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