A Work In Progress
Never one to disappoint, I am having a very bipolar evening. I often try to look at the positives that bipolar has given me but today I am stuck in one very huge negative and that is my huge insecurity. I know that the insecurity could also be exasperated by my personality but I really don't know where illness ends and personality begins so I like to think that I can blame the illness for this. I guess I like the idea of blaming the illness because illness has a treatment but I am just stuck with a shitty personality if that's the problem.
I have been struggling with someone who is very important to me. We have a long term relationship and when we were kids, we had commonalities, friendship and fun. Bipolar was pretty much a non-issue because it hadn't shown its hand yet and we didn't know what a game changer it would be in my life and in the lives of those around me. I have hurt everyone around me, this person included. Bipolar made me quite the asshole a lot of the time. Again I am blaming the bipolar and not a flawed personality because I am so different now. This is where the insecurity comes in. I struggle feeling confident in my now because in my past I had many periods where I was a pretty terrible person. I did and said awful things. I would love to say it was once or twice but truth be told, it was a lot of time. Definitely more than I can count. I am embarrassed and ashamed. But I am also over it while the other person is not. The thing to healing and recovery in bipolar is forgiveness of yourself and I've done that. Now what to do when someone else just can't forgive. It hurts.....A LOT.
The thing is, do I have the right to be hurt? Or did I bring this upon myself? Are some words and some actions simply unforgivable? Are there things that make another want to not befriend another even when they were once close? I don't know the answer to these things but I know the pain of being on the outside, the pain of being excluded. I know what it is like when others formulate their opinion of you based on the opinion of someone who has seen you at your worst. Logic tells me to pull myself away but our paths just seem to keep crossing and I am constantly reminded of things I cannot change or fix. Things that the me before medicine and treatment did. I wish I didn't care but I do care and I want people to like me because I worked so hard to be a decent, likable, quality person.
Bipolar had me so deep in its grasps that I never thought I would be able to tell my story of surviving bipolar. But I am doing just that. In fact, I am kicking its ass. I know that when I was a horrible mess years ago, that never seemed possible but I wish some people would look again. I wish some people would love me for who I have become and not what I was. I love people for their ever changing selves. I love people flaws and all. I am flawed, we all are but I am different. The bipolar isn't winning, I am. Life is so sweet that it hurts to feel shame for things that simply cannot be undone. So I need to keep pressing on and hope that others see me for who I am and not who I was. The current me is a pretty great person, if I do say so myself. But I, like all of us, am a work in progress. And I am enjoying every minute of my ride.
I have been struggling with someone who is very important to me. We have a long term relationship and when we were kids, we had commonalities, friendship and fun. Bipolar was pretty much a non-issue because it hadn't shown its hand yet and we didn't know what a game changer it would be in my life and in the lives of those around me. I have hurt everyone around me, this person included. Bipolar made me quite the asshole a lot of the time. Again I am blaming the bipolar and not a flawed personality because I am so different now. This is where the insecurity comes in. I struggle feeling confident in my now because in my past I had many periods where I was a pretty terrible person. I did and said awful things. I would love to say it was once or twice but truth be told, it was a lot of time. Definitely more than I can count. I am embarrassed and ashamed. But I am also over it while the other person is not. The thing to healing and recovery in bipolar is forgiveness of yourself and I've done that. Now what to do when someone else just can't forgive. It hurts.....A LOT.
The thing is, do I have the right to be hurt? Or did I bring this upon myself? Are some words and some actions simply unforgivable? Are there things that make another want to not befriend another even when they were once close? I don't know the answer to these things but I know the pain of being on the outside, the pain of being excluded. I know what it is like when others formulate their opinion of you based on the opinion of someone who has seen you at your worst. Logic tells me to pull myself away but our paths just seem to keep crossing and I am constantly reminded of things I cannot change or fix. Things that the me before medicine and treatment did. I wish I didn't care but I do care and I want people to like me because I worked so hard to be a decent, likable, quality person.
Bipolar had me so deep in its grasps that I never thought I would be able to tell my story of surviving bipolar. But I am doing just that. In fact, I am kicking its ass. I know that when I was a horrible mess years ago, that never seemed possible but I wish some people would look again. I wish some people would love me for who I have become and not what I was. I love people for their ever changing selves. I love people flaws and all. I am flawed, we all are but I am different. The bipolar isn't winning, I am. Life is so sweet that it hurts to feel shame for things that simply cannot be undone. So I need to keep pressing on and hope that others see me for who I am and not who I was. The current me is a pretty great person, if I do say so myself. But I, like all of us, am a work in progress. And I am enjoying every minute of my ride.
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