The Road to Their Success.......
Wowza, I haven't written anything in quite awhile. I guess life has been busy and I have had very little to say. I guess part of me feels that when I am writing a blog about my life with bipolar, each post should somehow be relevant to my struggle with bipolar. The thing is, though, there is so much more to my life than bipolar. I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, a niece, an aunt, a friend.........and a person with bipolar. There are so many more components to me than bipolar. There are so many words than describe me besides bipolar. I am more, yet, I feel like people expect it to define me. Hell, for a long time I THOUGHT it did define me but it definitely does not. Today is not a day that is about bipolar. Today is a day that is about Lisa, the mom. I truly hope that who I am as a mom is more of a reflection of who I am than who I am in the moments of bipolar crazy. I hope my legacy is that of a great wife, mom, daughter, sister, niece, aunt, and friend. And not that of someone who struggled with illness and was never able to overcome the shackles that are bipolar disorder. I hope that people see me as strong and determined, someone who broke the shackles of bipolar and was just a women. A flawed women, like everyone who walks this earth, but an ordinary woman, nonetheless.
In my ordinary life. my son has been away at college since August. I won't lie, the last few years have been busy ones for Billy and I didn't spend nearly as much time with him as I used to. The day that he left in August, I teared up a little bit but the sobbing tears never really came. I chalked it up to the fact that I knew he could and would thrive and succeed. Still, I felt this weird shame because what kind of mother doesn't sob when her baby moves thousands of miles a way. Not a very good one I kept telling myself. The weird thing is, Billy and I had a better connection once he was gone. He would call me a lot to ask silly questions like, "How come my water isn't boiling, yet?" I knew this meant that my baby still needed me and he definitely missed and loved me. That was enough, to be missed and loved because I missed and loved him right back. It was okay that the sobbing tears weren't coming, I figured, because I missed and loved him and he missed and loved me.
Well, we spent the last week in New York visiting him. It was a great with all 5 of us back together. I felt content and happy. I am went to my son's first apartment and he was succeeding. He is an adult, an adult that I helped mold in to a stand up, kind, friendly man. And holy shit, that's when it really hit me that my life as I knew it was not coming back. Billy isn't a baby anymore even though he is my baby, he is a grownup. He is an adult and he is making a life for himself far from my home. Billy met us at the airport this morning to say goodbye and while I was waiting for him to get there, the sobs came. The kind of sobs where a person walking past might wonder what in the world was wrong with me. It was in that moment that I realized that success can really hurt. My son's successes are partially my successes and the pain that he will never be my little boy again breaks my heart. Maybe it just didn't seem all that real before. But it is real. My son lives in New York and if he accomplishes all that I know that he can, it may be for much longer than the next 3 1/2 years.
Since we have left New York, I look at James and my heart hurts because he is leaving soon enough and I am not ready. He is already in that crazy, busy phase of his life where I may not see him for several days at a time. The thing is, when I go to bed at night he is in his room and I can sneak in there are rub his head and kiss his forehead like the creeper that I am, LOL. I can no longer kiss Billy's forehead every night before I go to bed and why it took me seeing him happy, content, and thriving in his new life to realize this, I don't know. Maybe I was being strong. The more likely truth was that I was delusional, I didn't want to see the time that he would leave even though I have always said my biggest accomplishment as a mother was preparing my kids to feel ready to leave. Ready to forge their own path independent of mine, find their own way and make their own life. Billy is doing that and I couldn't be more proud. My baby is a man and he is doing it. James will be doing it next, in less than 2 years, he will be leaving me, too. But not yet, I'm not ready for him to leave me and I am not quite done preparing him to be a strong man on his own. But I will, because that is the best gift I can give me children, the strength to be their own person while knowing that I am here when they need me even if it is just advice on how to boil water.
In my ordinary life. my son has been away at college since August. I won't lie, the last few years have been busy ones for Billy and I didn't spend nearly as much time with him as I used to. The day that he left in August, I teared up a little bit but the sobbing tears never really came. I chalked it up to the fact that I knew he could and would thrive and succeed. Still, I felt this weird shame because what kind of mother doesn't sob when her baby moves thousands of miles a way. Not a very good one I kept telling myself. The weird thing is, Billy and I had a better connection once he was gone. He would call me a lot to ask silly questions like, "How come my water isn't boiling, yet?" I knew this meant that my baby still needed me and he definitely missed and loved me. That was enough, to be missed and loved because I missed and loved him right back. It was okay that the sobbing tears weren't coming, I figured, because I missed and loved him and he missed and loved me.
Well, we spent the last week in New York visiting him. It was a great with all 5 of us back together. I felt content and happy. I am went to my son's first apartment and he was succeeding. He is an adult, an adult that I helped mold in to a stand up, kind, friendly man. And holy shit, that's when it really hit me that my life as I knew it was not coming back. Billy isn't a baby anymore even though he is my baby, he is a grownup. He is an adult and he is making a life for himself far from my home. Billy met us at the airport this morning to say goodbye and while I was waiting for him to get there, the sobs came. The kind of sobs where a person walking past might wonder what in the world was wrong with me. It was in that moment that I realized that success can really hurt. My son's successes are partially my successes and the pain that he will never be my little boy again breaks my heart. Maybe it just didn't seem all that real before. But it is real. My son lives in New York and if he accomplishes all that I know that he can, it may be for much longer than the next 3 1/2 years.
Since we have left New York, I look at James and my heart hurts because he is leaving soon enough and I am not ready. He is already in that crazy, busy phase of his life where I may not see him for several days at a time. The thing is, when I go to bed at night he is in his room and I can sneak in there are rub his head and kiss his forehead like the creeper that I am, LOL. I can no longer kiss Billy's forehead every night before I go to bed and why it took me seeing him happy, content, and thriving in his new life to realize this, I don't know. Maybe I was being strong. The more likely truth was that I was delusional, I didn't want to see the time that he would leave even though I have always said my biggest accomplishment as a mother was preparing my kids to feel ready to leave. Ready to forge their own path independent of mine, find their own way and make their own life. Billy is doing that and I couldn't be more proud. My baby is a man and he is doing it. James will be doing it next, in less than 2 years, he will be leaving me, too. But not yet, I'm not ready for him to leave me and I am not quite done preparing him to be a strong man on his own. But I will, because that is the best gift I can give me children, the strength to be their own person while knowing that I am here when they need me even if it is just advice on how to boil water.
Comments
Post a Comment