Walk My Journey By My Side
I saw a new surgeon today and I ended up being a little disappointed with how it went. He hasn't said no to my surgery but he is presenting my case to a panel of surgeons for additionally view points. He feels that a new replacement is the only option but that I may not survive the surgery or that I could suffer serious complications/
Well on to my feelings about all of it....
One, I absolutely don't want to die. I value my life because I am blessed with an amazing life with love, laughter and joy. That being said, I am incredibly pissed off that I didn't get a different answer, the answer that I was truly seeking. I wanted so badly to hear that this surgery could be safely performed and that my quality of life would improve. I am in constant pain which can be exhausting because I have had to give up things that I truly enjoy, like the gym, just to preserve my walking for work. I love my job but the pain while working is insane. But the gym was always a source of great stress relief and it took me way too long to return. Now, I am at a loss. If I work out, the pain by the end of my shift brings tears to my eyes but if I don't work out, I will never lose weight, I will never stop huffing when walking long distances, I will never feel healthy and fit again. Cardio will give me muscle definition, easier breathing, overall better health, and less stress. I am just devastated.
So now I will talk about my family's reaction to this all. I am quite shocked that not one person sees my devastation and accepts that I need time to grieve for the loss of what I thought my life would be. I had my ACL repaired on 2013 with the goal of running a 5K but now I have to accept the very real possibility that I will be severe pain for the next ten or so years until it is surgery is something someone will consider. I have been told that this is for the best. Well, it actually breaks my heart and I sobbed in my car for quite awhile that my family thinks that the best is for me to be in constant pain. How can anyone truly believe that? Every time I think about it, I am dumbfounded, simply and utterly dumbfounded. My "for the best" would have been if the doctor would have said that he could have safely and confidently done the surgery. And for that to happen. I have been facing my mortality a lot in the last few years and it fucking sucks, like a lot. I know that my health is more fragile than most but my "for the best" would be stronger and more stable health.
To my family, I know wholeheartedly that you just want me alive and with you here. But that will never make it okay for any of you to tell me to not be upset that I was dealt a pretty awful hand in the health department. Because not one of you has faced long-term chronic pain or been resuscitated even though we all make equal, yet different, poor choices. Consider for a minute that I am jealous that I have this journey while your journey is admittedly easier, health wise. I am not saying that none of you have heartache because I know each and everyone of you have but in your hard times, I supported and comforted you in a way that was comforting to you and not me because that is how you comfort someone. So comfort me, support me, let me be sad, and a little illogical while I feel in crisis because like every crisis, this to will pass. I may have to quit my job, which I love. I may need to change my major to something more sedentary. Tomorrow or the next day, tell ,me how blessed I am, because I am, but today just be mad with me. I feel so much pressure to be grateful for my blessing because I feel this judgement for being irate that I am hearing another probable no. The reality is, with as apprehensive as he was today, even if he comes back with a yes later, I may be too scared to do it. I know in my head that a pain filled life is better than a dead life but it doesn't mean I have to think it is fair. Life isn't fair but every once in awhile we all want it to be a little more fair. Walk my journey by my side as I walk your journey by your side.
This struggle isn't my first and it definitely won't be my last. I will push through and come out stronger on the other side just probably not today. Today I will be going to my pity party where I am again the star of the show. It isn't how you go into to a challenge that defines me, it is always how I come out: stronger, more confident, wiser, more grateful, and simply better. While I am devastated today, I am hopeful I will look back on this day as a blessing in disguise. Hmm....only time will tell where my journey is headed. I hope that it is to bigger and better.....and less pain.
Well on to my feelings about all of it....
One, I absolutely don't want to die. I value my life because I am blessed with an amazing life with love, laughter and joy. That being said, I am incredibly pissed off that I didn't get a different answer, the answer that I was truly seeking. I wanted so badly to hear that this surgery could be safely performed and that my quality of life would improve. I am in constant pain which can be exhausting because I have had to give up things that I truly enjoy, like the gym, just to preserve my walking for work. I love my job but the pain while working is insane. But the gym was always a source of great stress relief and it took me way too long to return. Now, I am at a loss. If I work out, the pain by the end of my shift brings tears to my eyes but if I don't work out, I will never lose weight, I will never stop huffing when walking long distances, I will never feel healthy and fit again. Cardio will give me muscle definition, easier breathing, overall better health, and less stress. I am just devastated.
So now I will talk about my family's reaction to this all. I am quite shocked that not one person sees my devastation and accepts that I need time to grieve for the loss of what I thought my life would be. I had my ACL repaired on 2013 with the goal of running a 5K but now I have to accept the very real possibility that I will be severe pain for the next ten or so years until it is surgery is something someone will consider. I have been told that this is for the best. Well, it actually breaks my heart and I sobbed in my car for quite awhile that my family thinks that the best is for me to be in constant pain. How can anyone truly believe that? Every time I think about it, I am dumbfounded, simply and utterly dumbfounded. My "for the best" would have been if the doctor would have said that he could have safely and confidently done the surgery. And for that to happen. I have been facing my mortality a lot in the last few years and it fucking sucks, like a lot. I know that my health is more fragile than most but my "for the best" would be stronger and more stable health.
To my family, I know wholeheartedly that you just want me alive and with you here. But that will never make it okay for any of you to tell me to not be upset that I was dealt a pretty awful hand in the health department. Because not one of you has faced long-term chronic pain or been resuscitated even though we all make equal, yet different, poor choices. Consider for a minute that I am jealous that I have this journey while your journey is admittedly easier, health wise. I am not saying that none of you have heartache because I know each and everyone of you have but in your hard times, I supported and comforted you in a way that was comforting to you and not me because that is how you comfort someone. So comfort me, support me, let me be sad, and a little illogical while I feel in crisis because like every crisis, this to will pass. I may have to quit my job, which I love. I may need to change my major to something more sedentary. Tomorrow or the next day, tell ,me how blessed I am, because I am, but today just be mad with me. I feel so much pressure to be grateful for my blessing because I feel this judgement for being irate that I am hearing another probable no. The reality is, with as apprehensive as he was today, even if he comes back with a yes later, I may be too scared to do it. I know in my head that a pain filled life is better than a dead life but it doesn't mean I have to think it is fair. Life isn't fair but every once in awhile we all want it to be a little more fair. Walk my journey by my side as I walk your journey by your side.
This struggle isn't my first and it definitely won't be my last. I will push through and come out stronger on the other side just probably not today. Today I will be going to my pity party where I am again the star of the show. It isn't how you go into to a challenge that defines me, it is always how I come out: stronger, more confident, wiser, more grateful, and simply better. While I am devastated today, I am hopeful I will look back on this day as a blessing in disguise. Hmm....only time will tell where my journey is headed. I hope that it is to bigger and better.....and less pain.
Comments
Post a Comment