My Bipolar Life

It is an interesting dynamic that I find myself in right now.  Full of shame and full of pride all in one moment.  I have voluntarily committed myself into a mental health unit.  As I signed the papers, I couldn't help but feel heartbroken that I am again going down this path.  In a strange way, I feel proud, too, because asking for help is difficult.  And a bit humiliating.  It is humiliating admitting that you are slipping, that you aren't always strong and that you need help. As I sit in this bed waiting for the ambulance to transport me to the locked facility, I need to remember that this isn't something that I chose (the illness, that is).  For whatever reason, God has chosen me to be bipolar.  I like to think that it is because I handle it with grace and do my best to educate anyone that I come into contact with.  About ten minutes ago, the had security escorted to my door.  Not because I warranted security but because it is prot...

Today my son graduates.  As he puts it, "High school graduation isn't a big deal, it just proves you are not a screw up.'  The reality is that to me, it is a big deal.  I look back at the long and winding road that has brought us here and I am astonished that it has turned out this well.  For all the gifts that bipolar has given me: loving, caring, compassionate and understanding, I have failed miserably in other ways.  I was sick A LOT.  I put my husband in the position to be a single dad at the drop of a hat more than I care to remember.  But, you know what?  My son is truly amazing.  Somedays I think that I had a huge hand in that and somedays, I think it is in spite of me.  Today, I feel that I had a huge hand in shaping the man that he has become. When I wasn't sick, I was truly involved and engaged in his upbringing.  I gave him the gift of independence and patience by not always putting him first.  If I was bus...

I haven't written a long time because as my last entry said, I have been in a bad place.  I would love to say that I am in a much better place but that isn't very true.  In the last few weeks alone, I have had three people tell me how horrible I am.  Well as much as I truly try to not worry what others think of me, it is nearly impossible when three people who know you well think awful things about you.  How do I not take that personally?  How is that not about me?  Am I simply delusional about who I am and what I bring to the table?  Am not the kind, caring, friendly person that I want to be, that I think I am? I have made some changes and one of the biggest is that I am seeing a new psychiatrist.  I needed that change.  I needed some new tough love but there needs to be love in there.  My previous doctor wasn't all that invested in my well-being.  He said some rather mean things to me at my last appointment and I used all my str...

I haven't written in several weeks because these last few weeks have been especially hard and I tend to get closed off when things don't go my way.  I have a very hard time admitting out loud when I am failing.  I like to think of myself as strong, confident and indestructible but the reality is that I am probably none of these things.  I want so badly to be perfect and to achieve perfection that I will probably kill myself trying.  The saddest part is that I don't expect perfection from anyone but myself.  I am the first to defend someone when they behave badly, fail or simply stumble yet I NEVER allow myself this courtesy.  Part of me knows that this is because if I allow myself to see my million faults then I will know with absolute certainty that everyone else can easily see these faults, too.  I don't want faults, I want perfection.  Simple, unattainable perfection. The last month has been hard because I am struggling with school.  It ...

A GUEST BLOGGER..........THIS IS BILLY'S ESSAY FOR HIS SCHOLARSHIP TODAY.  I LIKE IT AND I AM VERY PROUD.                                                              -L As a Christian, the values laid out within The Bible are very important to me and its influence carries over into many facets of my life and the lives of others. However, when contemplating my response to the prompt, The Bible was taken off the table. This caused me think about what other values and ideas I hold and what in turn influenced me to possess these ideas. Immediately, I thought of the ideals of freedom and equality. Then, I knew by being brought up in the United States that these thoughts had been instilled within me since a young age. After realizing this, however, I was still unsure of what truly influence me and others with like thinking. I...

Tomorrow afternoon my firstborn child is applying for a huge scholastic scholarship to a small private college in New York City.  There are so many problems with this scenario.  The main being that I am simply not old enough for this to be happening and I am not ready.  I know that this isn't about me, but today, I feel so many emotions that make it about me and those emotions.  My son is almost a full grown man and that scares me shitless. As parents, we all spend so much time questioning our decisions and wondering if we are doing the right thing.  I still wonder that daily.  As qualified as my son is to earn this scholarship, which I don't know that I can take any credit for at all, it is painful to watch him try for something that he might not get.  It is hard to watch your child soar and fail because at this moment, I don't know if it will be a soar and succeed  or a soar and fail.  The mommy in me wants to protect him from any disappo...

Today is Valentine's Day and it is not a day that is generally celebrated in our house yet "cupid" left a box of turtles on my pillow tonight.  Why this year?  Why this day?  Why does my normally less than romantic husband have the urge to be spontaneous and romantic?  Well, if I am honest, I think it less about Valentine's Day and more about the scare I gave him last week.  Oh, and maybe the ease in which he can find heart-shaped candy on February 13th. Marriage isn't always easy and a happy one is no exception.  Add to that the toll that my health has taken on both of us and we have changed over the years.  I have become scared of every little ailment, terrified that I am always dying, more demanding and whiny and just plain difficult.  Dan for his part has shut down some, has stop being romantic and has become short-tempered. I am sure you are wondering why I would share the bad of my marriage but the truth is that out of the bad comes the go...