Time to Soar
Tomorrow afternoon my firstborn child is applying for a huge scholastic scholarship to a small private college in New York City. There are so many problems with this scenario. The main being that I am simply not old enough for this to be happening and I am not ready. I know that this isn't about me, but today, I feel so many emotions that make it about me and those emotions. My son is almost a full grown man and that scares me shitless.
As parents, we all spend so much time questioning our decisions and wondering if we are doing the right thing. I still wonder that daily. As qualified as my son is to earn this scholarship, which I don't know that I can take any credit for at all, it is painful to watch him try for something that he might not get. It is hard to watch your child soar and fail because at this moment, I don't know if it will be a soar and succeed or a soar and fail. The mommy in me wants to protect him from any disappointment but that isn't how life works. He gets to be a man because it is his time. Whether I am ready or not, it is Billy's time to soar and reap some benefit of the hard work that he put into life. I am excited about that he is even given this opportunity. I would love to take credit because I am mother of the year but that simply isn't so. In fact, I may have set him back a lot by making him ride the crazy train so much in his young life due to the bipolar disease that was attacking me hard when he was little.
As we prepare to tour the college over the next few days, I need to figure out how to be the grown up that I am supposed to be, expected to be, and ask responsible, adult questions. Life doesn't really prepare you for this as much as you may think or as much as I had hoped. I am not ready for my baby to be a man but guess what, he is just about a man. He behaves life a man and is much more ready for this than I am. I have to prepare myself for the fact that in a few short months, my baby, who will be an adult, may live in NYC with out me to buffer things for him. I know and need to accept that he doesn't need my buffer but it isn't as easy walking away from the mommy role to that of the mother of an adult child. As you go through the baby and toddler years, you think that time will never move and you have all the time in the world. But you simply do not. One day you are watching Sesame Street with your little genius (because let's face it, all of us have genius toddlers) and the next day you are looking at a college in Manhattan where your child may live forever.
My children are my everything and even with my failings, I did my very best. I loved them, raised them to be kind, friendly and loving. I know deep in my heart that Billy is ready for this next step but I am just not. My little peanut will be leaving my house soon whether it be this college or another. It is time to let him go and soar. Whether life hands him a soar and succeed or a soar and fail is all up to him now. I did my part, I gave him all I had to succeed, now I watch his journey. No matter what that journey entails, I will love and support him because that is what I feel moms are for. Whether he gets this scholarship or not is not the most important thing at this point because after seeing presentation, I know that it an amazing presentation. If he isn't chosen for this scholarship, then he is just not what they are looking for at this time. As painful and humbling that will be it, it will be just fine. My son has learned on his many journeys on the crazy train that life car be hard and sometimes disappointing. He has also learned that you need to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and carry on. Life is short, and we need to make the most of it. This weekend, I will watch my son enter into the beginning stages of manhood. He is amazing, articulate and funny. He is my gift from God and although that I am scared to set him free, I can do this. I may not be ready but Billy certainly is.
I will spend this weekend keeping calm and carrying on and not letting fear overcome me. I will have confidence that I did a good enough job that my son will soar through life much more easily than I have. I often talk about the gifts that bipolar has given me and this is one of them......a strong son who can handle damn near anything. He has handled more in his young life than he should have and he has kept calm and carried on. He has my strength and so much more. So tomorrow when I watch him walk into the scholarship presentation, I will feel nothing but pride with flashbacks of watching him walk into kindergarten. On that day so many years ago, life felt like it was moving too fast and I was right. My baby is a man. Time flew but I enjoyed the ride, crazy train and all. I am getting myself ready for this as best as I can. I will watch him go and I will be proud. I will be ready as hard as that is. Go forth, my son, and show NYC what The Pokrzywas are made of. Make us proud, although there are few moments where I am not filled with proud. Jump in with both feet and do your best. I will do my best, to be calm and normal and I look at what may be your new home. I will know that you get to decide what is the best place for you to soar. I will just sit back, and reap the benefits of my hard parenting work. I did enough for you to take life by the horns so I will let you do just that and do it well. This is your moment, seize it and love it. I am so extraordinarily proud of you. Thanks for being my son.
As parents, we all spend so much time questioning our decisions and wondering if we are doing the right thing. I still wonder that daily. As qualified as my son is to earn this scholarship, which I don't know that I can take any credit for at all, it is painful to watch him try for something that he might not get. It is hard to watch your child soar and fail because at this moment, I don't know if it will be a soar and succeed or a soar and fail. The mommy in me wants to protect him from any disappointment but that isn't how life works. He gets to be a man because it is his time. Whether I am ready or not, it is Billy's time to soar and reap some benefit of the hard work that he put into life. I am excited about that he is even given this opportunity. I would love to take credit because I am mother of the year but that simply isn't so. In fact, I may have set him back a lot by making him ride the crazy train so much in his young life due to the bipolar disease that was attacking me hard when he was little.
As we prepare to tour the college over the next few days, I need to figure out how to be the grown up that I am supposed to be, expected to be, and ask responsible, adult questions. Life doesn't really prepare you for this as much as you may think or as much as I had hoped. I am not ready for my baby to be a man but guess what, he is just about a man. He behaves life a man and is much more ready for this than I am. I have to prepare myself for the fact that in a few short months, my baby, who will be an adult, may live in NYC with out me to buffer things for him. I know and need to accept that he doesn't need my buffer but it isn't as easy walking away from the mommy role to that of the mother of an adult child. As you go through the baby and toddler years, you think that time will never move and you have all the time in the world. But you simply do not. One day you are watching Sesame Street with your little genius (because let's face it, all of us have genius toddlers) and the next day you are looking at a college in Manhattan where your child may live forever.
My children are my everything and even with my failings, I did my very best. I loved them, raised them to be kind, friendly and loving. I know deep in my heart that Billy is ready for this next step but I am just not. My little peanut will be leaving my house soon whether it be this college or another. It is time to let him go and soar. Whether life hands him a soar and succeed or a soar and fail is all up to him now. I did my part, I gave him all I had to succeed, now I watch his journey. No matter what that journey entails, I will love and support him because that is what I feel moms are for. Whether he gets this scholarship or not is not the most important thing at this point because after seeing presentation, I know that it an amazing presentation. If he isn't chosen for this scholarship, then he is just not what they are looking for at this time. As painful and humbling that will be it, it will be just fine. My son has learned on his many journeys on the crazy train that life car be hard and sometimes disappointing. He has also learned that you need to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and carry on. Life is short, and we need to make the most of it. This weekend, I will watch my son enter into the beginning stages of manhood. He is amazing, articulate and funny. He is my gift from God and although that I am scared to set him free, I can do this. I may not be ready but Billy certainly is.
I will spend this weekend keeping calm and carrying on and not letting fear overcome me. I will have confidence that I did a good enough job that my son will soar through life much more easily than I have. I often talk about the gifts that bipolar has given me and this is one of them......a strong son who can handle damn near anything. He has handled more in his young life than he should have and he has kept calm and carried on. He has my strength and so much more. So tomorrow when I watch him walk into the scholarship presentation, I will feel nothing but pride with flashbacks of watching him walk into kindergarten. On that day so many years ago, life felt like it was moving too fast and I was right. My baby is a man. Time flew but I enjoyed the ride, crazy train and all. I am getting myself ready for this as best as I can. I will watch him go and I will be proud. I will be ready as hard as that is. Go forth, my son, and show NYC what The Pokrzywas are made of. Make us proud, although there are few moments where I am not filled with proud. Jump in with both feet and do your best. I will do my best, to be calm and normal and I look at what may be your new home. I will know that you get to decide what is the best place for you to soar. I will just sit back, and reap the benefits of my hard parenting work. I did enough for you to take life by the horns so I will let you do just that and do it well. This is your moment, seize it and love it. I am so extraordinarily proud of you. Thanks for being my son.
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