My Bipolar Life

I always look back at my most bipolar moments with huge regret. Regret because I couldn't keep my emotions in check, regret because my behavior was out of control and often unforgivable, and regret because no matter what I do with my life from this day forward there are people who will never see me differently than they did then. I realized recently that this self doubt makes it hard for to not always be ready for the other shoe to drop especially when the self doubt turns into self loathing. I try so hard to love myself for who I am and how far I've come but that is so difficult. I am in the midst of a huge self loathing period and I have begun realize that the girl who I was is there deep down just waiting to pop out and show people who've never seen me in my most bipolar moments.  The worst part is mental illness, for me, are the days I can't see me how most people see me now as a chatty, funny, and even tempered girl. I'm not even tempered by nature and I'v...

When I started writing this blog years ago it really was meant for my kids; my health was poor and I wanted them to hear my story from my point of view in case I wasn't here to tell them. Time has elapsed and I'm healthy a lot more often than I am sick so I don't often think about the line I rode between life and death more often than someone should. I was very sick, very often and I honestly couldn't tell you why I survived such hard times when others didn't. I guess all I can come up with is that life is cruel, life is unfair, and sometimes life is just downright awful. I know you are wondering what the hell the point of this rambling is but I promise that I'm getting there. The thing is, today wasn't the best day for me and I ended up in the ER and while I'm fine now, I saw and heard some horrible things. I heard people die, more than one. People that were kids, well kids to me, they were probably in their 20s. And while I sat in my room crying and p...

It has been nearly four months since I've updated so I am definitely past due. The thing is, my life is busy and completely chaotic but in a very good way. While I feel like my world is spinning out of control often, I keep landing upright and waking up alive...both wins in my book. Life is mostly good and it's been just over a year since I last received a SSDI payment. 12 years ago when I was told that it was Social Security or risking losing my kids because I was only capable of doing one thing well, I of course chose my kids. This statement was not meant as a negative by my doctor, but rather, a gentle reminder that I was more sick than I was ready to admit. I was capable of being a kick ass employee or a kick ass mom, I was definitely not capable of both. This same doctor later told me that I am the most organized person he had ever met; he then went on to clarify that he didn't mean bipolar person but ANY person. The reality is, my world was in a tailspin but I truly d...

I started writing this blog almost four years ago for one simple reason...to document things as they happened in my life. Some of it was for me but a lot of it was for my kids. Truth be told, I know my children rarely read what I write and when they do but it is of little importance to them. At the time I started writing my health had begun deteriorating and I wanted my thoughts down on paper in case I wasn't here to share my thoughts and feelings with my kids. I don't know that I thought many people would read what I had to say or care much about any of it. It's interesting what a difference a few years would make as my health seemed to stabilize and I realized that writing about the truth behind bipolar was something that others might gain insight from. In those four years, I found myself, my passions, and decided who I wanted to be when I grow up. I have come to realize that in my flaws, I have something to offer the world. My purpose has been exposed and led me on a jo...

I thought by my age I'd be done learning things the hard way. I thought by now I'd be able to navigate life with finesse and ease, all while keeping a good head on my shoulders. The reality is that I may never figure anything out. I may just keep trying, learning, and evolving. I may always be working on being a better version of myself. There are still so many days that I wish I could do better, I could be better, and most importantly, I could know better. I wish there more days in which my flaws weren't front and center in every aspect of my life. I'm finally coming to the realization that some of my bad decisions may always define me. While that's a hard pill to swallow, I've overcome so much worse than a little judgment from strangers. People will ALWAYS have an opinion on what I do, how I do it, and why I do it. By opening up my life and sharing my story, I have to take a lot of the responsibility for letting others judge me. So why do I keep sharing m...

My relationship with my parents has always been a complicated one. If I'm being truthful my bipolar exasperates that, as it does with my sisters, husband, kids, and in-laws. Bipolar is ugly and it has made me do ugly things. Things that perhaps some will never forgive. I honestly think that's the case with my father and one of my sisters. That's not to say that I don't have a relationship with them but it's awkward and strained, at best. I've made my peace with it and accept my responsibility in the state of those relationships. Is it hard, yes, but it is what it is. In a perfect world, everyone could see past the awful I've done due to many years of poor mental health but the world is not perfect. This past spring the relationship with my mom came to an ugly place. I'm not here to point blame because that doesn't help anything. But at this point, we're just broken. And as anyone who's had an estrangement from a parent would understand no ma...

Do you know one thing that I've found through my bipolar? That love shouldn't be conditional.  Every single person that you encounter will have a challenge that they're facing and if they are someone that you hope to love you should do it wholeheartedly and without reservation. Loving someone is hard but yet it is by far, the best thing we'll ever do. It is my 43rd birthday and to say my life has been rough would be the understatement of the year. You see, I come from multiple broken homes. I generally don't share that part of my story because it is in my nature to protect everyone and not cause shame to them. But in doing that, I only cause myself shame. I was unplanned and probably unwanted. My first father walked away before I was born. My mom then subsequently married the man who would eventually adopt me. I don't know that he really wanted me, either. I guess I'm somewhat of a disappointment. I may never be good enough, together enough, or perfect en...