Jump Into The Deep End

I have joined an intensive outpatient program that is a lot of group therapy.  In this setting, we all talk about what is bothering us in hopes of improving our situation.  I talked about the stress that I am under.  I feel stress because of work, school and a busy family life.  The group was mostly in consensus that I need to let things go and their main suggestion was school.  It is so difficult because I am there to improve myself and gain insight but I absolutely do not want to cut back on school or worse yet, quit school.  I am trying so hard to better myself and find my passion that quitting school seems like the thing that will most likely spiral me into a deep and dark place.  I don't like that place and I certainly don't want to go there.

I guess the question I am left with is, why is it not okay to follow my dreams?  Why is it not okay to put myself first?  Why does something always have to give?  I feel like now is my time and I need to work harder, try harder and dig deeper so that I can achieve my goals.  And my main goal is a college degree.  I know that I cannot quit my job right now but I refuse to let that engulf me and make it my focus.  That is not what I want, it is not what I need and it is not what I am going to do.

Through all the trials and tribulations, I have found a strength that I didn't really know that I had.  I wish just one person, would say, "push through the hardships, you're worth it and so are your dreams."  Just one.  I need only one person pushing me forward in the hard days to make this journey worth fighting for.  And it is worth fighting for.  Although, I may be the only person who sees how much this fight is needed.  I am sad, hurt and in pain because I don't feel supported in my dreams.  Very few people ask about my school.  Either because they think I will fail (like before) or they think I am too flighty to finish and someday be a valuable addition to an employer.  When I went to therapy, I was looking for solutions to make my current life more manageable not for answers on how to quit at life.....again.

I think this is harder and more important to me than it may otherwise be because I have something to prove.  I have given up in the past, I have failed in the past and I have disappointed others in the past.  But all of that is my past.  In my future is college and someday, a college degree.  I will prove to myself and others, that this Lisa is stronger, more re silent and a fighter.  I always look for the lesson in everything and I think the lesson here is believe in yourself because sometimes, no one else will.  And that's okay, I don't need (I just want it badly) validation to succeed.  No matter what life throws my way, I will succeed.  This journey through college is one of the hardest things I have every done, probably compounded by the lack of support I feel, but I can do it.  We all can.  So if you have a dream, follow it.  Jump it to the deep end and kick really hard because there may not be anyone to rescue you.  Just remember, you can rescue yourself with strength, perseverance and hard work.