The Crappy Hand

My daughter has been sick and in a lot of pain.  I have been hesitant to talk much about it because it scares me and knowing that she could read this, I don't want her to read about the pain that seeing her hurting causes me.  The thing is, though, Ella wants me to talk about my feelings.  Maybe that comes from always having an open and honest relationship with her.  I haven't lied to her about the fact that this could be a scary ride.  She could be really sick.  But she could be okay, too.  She has been diagnosed with vitiligo which is not painful.  But she is in pain so they are still searching.  All the ER doctors think that it is an autoimmune disease.  Her primary doctor says it could be a bad infection or lyme disease.  I never thought that I would pray for a bad infection but I pray for exactly that. 

So on to my true feelings......I am terrified.  Kids shouldn't be sick, they just shouldn't.  I spend a large amount of my life in pain and I have accepted that.  It happens and everyone has struggles.  I hope that my struggle doesn't include a life of pain for my baby.  That possibility causes me more pain that anything else I have ever struggled with.  It causes anger and we are not even to a diagnosis so this frustration, anger and fear could all be for nothing.  She could be absolutely fine.  Dan tells me to face things as they come and to not be afraid because we don't know enough, therefore, we have no reason to be afraid.  I think the thing that drags me there is that in my health, it is always the worse case scenario.  I have to prepare myself for the worst because that is the only way that I can cope.  I do not want to breakdown in front of Ella if we get bad news.  I am processing all of my negative emotions now so if we get bad news, I can be strong and tough for her.  I will not crack when she needs me, I will not let her see upset.  I will hold her hand, rub her hair and sing "Soft Kitty".  I will also tell her that everything will be okay.  Because I have to believe that it will be.

So here I stand not knowing what is truly happening.  But whatever it is, I have accepted that she has to play the hand she is dealt.  Sometimes your hand sucks but most of the time it is great.  Even if she is sick (my biggest fear is lupus), she has a loving family and she can face whatever is tossed at her.  She is a strong girl and that won't change.  This is just part of her story.  I refuse to let her become the sick girl that everyone feels sorry for.  No one wants sympathy but some empathy is nice.  I want for her to be known as strong which is how I hope for myself to be perceived.  We are strong women and she's got this.  Maybe my fear is dissipating because I know in my heart that she is can handle whatever life throws at her, crappy hands and all.