With Great Sadness
It is has been a little over a week since Robin Williams passed away and a lot has been said about it, by many. I don't really know where to begin in my opinion of what I think or feel about his suicide. I am torn because I value life so it breaks my heart that he had no strength left to fight his demons but who the hell am I to judge another. I am not God, I am not a judge nor am I a juror. I am just a person who lives with my own demons that I certainly hope aren't judged by the whole world someday.
I think by talking about my true feelings about his suicide, I am opening myself up to hatred and judgment. That will have to be okay because your hatred and judgment will be your cross not mine. I have made peace with my past and my demons and I guess the reality is, I don't care if you can't make peace with my past or my demons. You have your own past and demons to make peace with. That's the beauty of life, we are all different yet we are equal in our flaws. Everyone has flaws and everyone fails.
The thing is, I get Robin Williams despair because I have swallowed handfuls of pills in my own time of desperation. Does that make me weak and selfish? To some, yes it absolutely does. My husband is of that school of thought. He simply cannot understand the feeling of being pulled down into the quicksand with no way that you can see to get out. He thinks it is cowardly, as many do. I am not here to convince him or anyone else that they are wrong. His feelings are part of the story that is his life and unfortunately my suicide attempts are part of my story.
Today I feel very lucky that this is just part of my story because I am still here to tell my story and I am a truly happy person now. I will not, however, be apologetic for my past because I wouldn't be me without a past, none of us would. I am sorry for the hurt I caused others with my actions, very sorry. Dan and the kids have been to hell and back with me through this illness. This illness is brutal but very few people understand it. When I attempted suicide, I was at my most vulnerable and felt shame for everything that I had done wrong to my family. For me, the moments of desperation came from a great self-loathing. I was asked if I thought at all about the suffering my kids would have without me if I had died. My answer to that was no. I think the other person was taken aback and lost respect for me as a parent. What I didn't tell her is what I felt about my husband and children at that moment. I felt like I was giving them the gift of freedom.....freedom from me. My children were very little and they could have forgotten the hell I had put them through. Dan could remarry to a "normal" woman. Do I feel this way now? Hell no! But then, I was so sick. I didn't understand my worth.
That's the worst part of this illness to me; its ability to warp your perception of reality. I truly thought all my feelings were normal. In a way, they were because they were my normal. But with time and healing, my life because better. God had a plan for me that included stability and some wellness. That isn't because I am stronger than Robin Williams but because this how my life worked out. In my moments of desperation, I felt that I was doing a selfless thing and maybe that's how he felt. The feelings you feel when you know you are a burden on another is rough. It is not something that I would wish on my worst enemy.
I guess at the end of the day, Robin Williams story just fills me with great sadness. His journey was cut short. He brought so much joy to myself and others but he maybe never lived with joy in his heart. Imagine that, really think about that. As you watch your child run and laugh, imagine feeling empty. I have felt empty and broken. I'm sorry he suffered and in his death, all most people have to say are negative and hurtful things. Life is about your journey and I thank him for sharing the good parts of his journey with me. For those who think that he is weak, it is truly okay to feel that way. I also think you should be grateful that you have never felt weak enough to make a bad decision. Yes, I think suicide is a bad decision but it doesn't make you bad. It is a permanent solution to what could possibly be a temporary situation. I have also heard many asking why he didn't get help. How exactly do they know he didn't seek help? They don't actually know him; they aren't his friend or family. It is help, not a cure. Mental illness is not curable. It is a permanent, debilitating disease. Although mental illness isn't deadly, it makes you feel like the only way to feel better is death. So it can for some be a death sentence. It was for Robin Williams.
REST IN PEACE MR. WILLIAMS, THANKS FOR THE LAUGHS........
ROBIN WILLIAMS 1951-2014
I think by talking about my true feelings about his suicide, I am opening myself up to hatred and judgment. That will have to be okay because your hatred and judgment will be your cross not mine. I have made peace with my past and my demons and I guess the reality is, I don't care if you can't make peace with my past or my demons. You have your own past and demons to make peace with. That's the beauty of life, we are all different yet we are equal in our flaws. Everyone has flaws and everyone fails.
The thing is, I get Robin Williams despair because I have swallowed handfuls of pills in my own time of desperation. Does that make me weak and selfish? To some, yes it absolutely does. My husband is of that school of thought. He simply cannot understand the feeling of being pulled down into the quicksand with no way that you can see to get out. He thinks it is cowardly, as many do. I am not here to convince him or anyone else that they are wrong. His feelings are part of the story that is his life and unfortunately my suicide attempts are part of my story.
Today I feel very lucky that this is just part of my story because I am still here to tell my story and I am a truly happy person now. I will not, however, be apologetic for my past because I wouldn't be me without a past, none of us would. I am sorry for the hurt I caused others with my actions, very sorry. Dan and the kids have been to hell and back with me through this illness. This illness is brutal but very few people understand it. When I attempted suicide, I was at my most vulnerable and felt shame for everything that I had done wrong to my family. For me, the moments of desperation came from a great self-loathing. I was asked if I thought at all about the suffering my kids would have without me if I had died. My answer to that was no. I think the other person was taken aback and lost respect for me as a parent. What I didn't tell her is what I felt about my husband and children at that moment. I felt like I was giving them the gift of freedom.....freedom from me. My children were very little and they could have forgotten the hell I had put them through. Dan could remarry to a "normal" woman. Do I feel this way now? Hell no! But then, I was so sick. I didn't understand my worth.
That's the worst part of this illness to me; its ability to warp your perception of reality. I truly thought all my feelings were normal. In a way, they were because they were my normal. But with time and healing, my life because better. God had a plan for me that included stability and some wellness. That isn't because I am stronger than Robin Williams but because this how my life worked out. In my moments of desperation, I felt that I was doing a selfless thing and maybe that's how he felt. The feelings you feel when you know you are a burden on another is rough. It is not something that I would wish on my worst enemy.
I guess at the end of the day, Robin Williams story just fills me with great sadness. His journey was cut short. He brought so much joy to myself and others but he maybe never lived with joy in his heart. Imagine that, really think about that. As you watch your child run and laugh, imagine feeling empty. I have felt empty and broken. I'm sorry he suffered and in his death, all most people have to say are negative and hurtful things. Life is about your journey and I thank him for sharing the good parts of his journey with me. For those who think that he is weak, it is truly okay to feel that way. I also think you should be grateful that you have never felt weak enough to make a bad decision. Yes, I think suicide is a bad decision but it doesn't make you bad. It is a permanent solution to what could possibly be a temporary situation. I have also heard many asking why he didn't get help. How exactly do they know he didn't seek help? They don't actually know him; they aren't his friend or family. It is help, not a cure. Mental illness is not curable. It is a permanent, debilitating disease. Although mental illness isn't deadly, it makes you feel like the only way to feel better is death. So it can for some be a death sentence. It was for Robin Williams.
REST IN PEACE MR. WILLIAMS, THANKS FOR THE LAUGHS........
ROBIN WILLIAMS 1951-2014
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