The Gray Sheep?

One very big thing about bipolar or at least for me is that I did and said some awful things for quite awhile before my diagnosis.  With time, counseling, and a little love for myself, I was able to forgive myself for the many transgressions that I had committed. If I am being honest, there were too many to forgive but my heart still breaks that some of my loved ones aren't able to forgive and try to know me for who I am now.  Am I perfect?  No, not so much.  Am I different than I was before medication and the work towards a better me?  Yes, a lot different.  I am a good person, a kind person, a fun person, a funny person.  And too many people who should truly love me just don't know this.  Things like, "It's not my fault that I don't like her" have been said about me.  That hurts immensely and makes me tear up just sitting here thinking about it.  I want to be loved for who I am now, not disliked for my past mistakes.

Part of me thinks that I should walk away but the reality is, a lot of this is my immediate family.  Do they love me? I think so, kind of.  But sadly, I don't think much thought would be given to me not in attendance at many family events.  I am just not that integral a part of the family dynamic.  I am definitely the black sheep in my family.  I feel much more a part of husband's family than I do of my own.  I am sure that some of it is because of prior actions but I just want a do-over.  I want a new chance to be someone that is wanted.  I want to be a part of the gang.  I want to be someone that everyone wants to stick up for.  I feel alone on an island.  Sometimes I feel loved but I truly want to feel liked.  I want to stop trying to prove myself to people who shouldn't require that.  I feel like I have value and I want ALL of my family to agree.

I'm sorry but I want to not be sorry anymore.  I just want to be me.  Good. bad. and even the sometimes ugly, I need them.  I need them to forgive me for my past because I'm just not that person anymore.  I am me, only new and improved.  I am someone worth fighting for and I wish I knew how to prove it.  I wish I knew how to get another chance to prove that I am a good friend and family member.  I know that I may never be the white sheep of my family but maybe, just maybe someday I can be the gray sheep.  I would be so happy with being the gray sheep.

 Don't Judge Me By My Past

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