Another Stumble

I often talk about pulling yourself back up when everything seems to be trying to knock you down. This isn't just something I say, it's something I do because quite honestly, it became the only way I could survive for awhile. I then just adopted this attitude and went along seizing life. And what a great life it's been of late: my marriage is more solid than it's ever been, my kids are thriving, my job is awesome and I'm good at it, and I'm not only attending a Big Ten University but in excelling there. Oh the doubts that bipolar had put in my head about my ability to be "normal" are fading. 

But that doesn't mean sometimes I'm not drawn backwards in a jolt that reminds me to never be too comfortable because life is rocky and my ability to roll with the punches is the biggest part of me. The me that I most want to be remembered. That being said, I am slipping and sliding down the slopes of life today. 

It started yesterday morning. I had some minor (by hospital standards) symptoms that sent me to the ER. It was quiet and the staff was gathered in the nurse's station chit chatting, a rare calm before the storm I'm sure. They were talking about a woman that they resuscitated and the clinical term, although not offensive, made me sob. 14 months ago for about 3 1/2 minutes I was fighting for my life and this is how I'm sure it sounded in there. I'm sure it wasn't peaceful and quiet and serene. Had I died, like this one had, it would have been an ugly death with most of the people in the room not even knowing my name. The thought of the last minutes of my life being with strangers who don't know my name. I tend to think this is why God made heaven so beautiful. Because death is ugly and the beauty of heaven is your reward. If this keeps me going, whatever works, right?

I had my ACL reconstructed in 2013 and about 8 months it began hurting, a little more each day. So the doctor finally ordered a MRI for this morning because he thought there was damage to my meniscus. He need pictures to formulate his plan.  Well, within 3 hours of the test, they were calling to let me know that it was worse than expected. The meniscus was in terrible shape, I had advanced arthritis, and the ACL is torn again. I'm still in tearful shock and it's been a few hours.  My only realistic option is a knee replacement.  The thought of another surgery, any surgery is heartbreaking but I'm going to have to consider it after I talk to the new surgeon. The ACL surgery resulted in me having 3 blood clots and being hospitalized for 16 days. Another almost death, for me. I don't think I need more. 

Through the tears, I wonder why the hell this keeps happening to us. When Dan lost his job 5 years ago, we lost everything and had to rebuild our lives. We relocated and we were robbed and we set out to rebuild our lives. Now we are finally almost rebuilt so me taking a long rehab period off of work will again require us to rebuild. But why again? I am seriously starting to think I'm doing life wrong and I'm being punished for it. If I need to take off again, my kids will suffer and that's not fair. They are so resilient and kind but why should they have to be. Why must my body keep letting us a down?  

God won't give me more than I can handle so I am sure that I can get through this, too but I need your warm thoughts and prayers. Please pray that I can get through another stumble with grace. I want to be thought of as an example of grace under fire and not the person to pity because it's always falling apart. It's hard today but I'll be okay.