Better Yet Don't.......

My bipolar kicks my ass sometimes and today is one of those days.  I am impulsive and do impulsive, dumb things.  And that isn't always the smartest or the greatest thing to do but that is how illness work sometimes.  It does bad things to your body and in my case that part of my body is my brain.  My bipolar doesn't always make me think clearly and act clearly and behave rationally.  The thing with the lack of rationality is that after the fact, I am so embarrassed by my behavior.  

Being embarrassed because you know that you have screwed up whether it is big or small can be hard but it becomes unbearable when those you love or trust question the decision or how the decision was made.  My impulsiveness tends to be with money and I always figure it out but to have those who I think love me talk about me behind my back makes me want to hurt myself.

I think people need to hear this LOUD and CLEAR, judging a bipolar's impulsive mistakes can lead to suicide or self harm.  Would it be any one's fault but mine? No, but why push it along.  Why kick me when I am down? I am embarrassed and weakened so don't tell me or others how stupidly I behaved.  Why not look at your biggest failures and wonder how you would feel about everyone talking about you at your worst and most embarrassed moments and making sure you know others think it was a mistake, too.

This just makes you a bully.  I was bullied today.  I am proud to say that I made it through the hurt but there is another nick of self doubt.  It jabbed at my confidence.  It took a little Lisa away and I need her back.

I guess my message is judge what you know, not what you think you know, not what you kind of know. or not what you wish your knew,  Or better yet don't judge at all.