My Lavender Mom
As I write about my journey through bipolar, I rarely speak about my mom. I do not speak about her because talking about her is sharing things that she may not want shared so I am going to be careful to only talk about it from my feelings and my point of view because I truly can't speak of her feelings.
The most important thing in all of this is that I love my mom. But we are different, very different. My mom and I hardly agree and I wouldn't say see things as different as black and white but it is more like we see things like fuchsia and lavender. I see things bright like fuchsia and I need to live life to the fullest and seize the moment. My mom is more calm like lavender and planning for the future and being prepared for what comes in from every angle. I could learn to be more like her because my mom has never been unprepared for an emergency. The thing is, she could probably learn to have a little fun from me, too. No, I am not saying that she isn't fun but I just don't think that she is ever completely relaxed and in the moment. As stupid as it, one of my bucket list items is to have a fun, silly day where we both let everything go and just appreciate that we are lucky to have each other.
Sometimes in seeing all the lavender, my mom can be more harsh than I would like and it hurts. She tells me as it is. Does that make her wrong? No, not really but my fuchsia mind can't always handle the roughness in which she says it. I cry, I feel bad but do you know what? I would never change my lavender mom for a fuchsia one or any other color mom for that matter. My pie in the sky brain needs her reeling me and keeping my feet on the ground. I need her to keep my head out of my ass with my crazy ideas.
My mom is always there for the important things like surgery and hospitalizations. She will sit in those rooms for hours even sleeping overnight on the uncomfortable bed/cot/chair or whatever they have for her to sleep on whether it is comfortable or not. She is there. And to say my mom is not a hospital fan would the understatement of the year. She even struggles when they put medicine in my IV. Even when there is not a needle involved, she is not able to watch what she thinks could potential hurt me.
I hope over the next few years as neither of us get any younger we are able to come a little closer together and appreciate each other a little more. I want to live a little more lavender life and plan for what's ahead because I am just starting to do that a little more consistently. And I hope that if my mom sees that I am finally listening to her, after 42 years, damn that must have hurt her, thinking I didn't respect her point of view much. I hope just hope that we can one of my fuchsia days. A day where we throw caution to the wind and just have fun. Not being irresponsible but just relaxed. Maybe a girls' weekend where I chose the activities. I wonder as I write this if I am even making sense. I guess the take away is that although my mom sees things through a more conservative lavender world and mine is wild and fuchsia, those two colors are not as drastic as black and white so maybe we can see more eye to eye.
I do know for certain that we see the love eye to eye and I guess that is the most important and at the end of the day, everything else will fall into place.
The most important thing in all of this is that I love my mom. But we are different, very different. My mom and I hardly agree and I wouldn't say see things as different as black and white but it is more like we see things like fuchsia and lavender. I see things bright like fuchsia and I need to live life to the fullest and seize the moment. My mom is more calm like lavender and planning for the future and being prepared for what comes in from every angle. I could learn to be more like her because my mom has never been unprepared for an emergency. The thing is, she could probably learn to have a little fun from me, too. No, I am not saying that she isn't fun but I just don't think that she is ever completely relaxed and in the moment. As stupid as it, one of my bucket list items is to have a fun, silly day where we both let everything go and just appreciate that we are lucky to have each other.
Sometimes in seeing all the lavender, my mom can be more harsh than I would like and it hurts. She tells me as it is. Does that make her wrong? No, not really but my fuchsia mind can't always handle the roughness in which she says it. I cry, I feel bad but do you know what? I would never change my lavender mom for a fuchsia one or any other color mom for that matter. My pie in the sky brain needs her reeling me and keeping my feet on the ground. I need her to keep my head out of my ass with my crazy ideas.
My mom is always there for the important things like surgery and hospitalizations. She will sit in those rooms for hours even sleeping overnight on the uncomfortable bed/cot/chair or whatever they have for her to sleep on whether it is comfortable or not. She is there. And to say my mom is not a hospital fan would the understatement of the year. She even struggles when they put medicine in my IV. Even when there is not a needle involved, she is not able to watch what she thinks could potential hurt me.
I hope over the next few years as neither of us get any younger we are able to come a little closer together and appreciate each other a little more. I want to live a little more lavender life and plan for what's ahead because I am just starting to do that a little more consistently. And I hope that if my mom sees that I am finally listening to her, after 42 years, damn that must have hurt her, thinking I didn't respect her point of view much. I hope just hope that we can one of my fuchsia days. A day where we throw caution to the wind and just have fun. Not being irresponsible but just relaxed. Maybe a girls' weekend where I chose the activities. I wonder as I write this if I am even making sense. I guess the take away is that although my mom sees things through a more conservative lavender world and mine is wild and fuchsia, those two colors are not as drastic as black and white so maybe we can see more eye to eye.
I do know for certain that we see the love eye to eye and I guess that is the most important and at the end of the day, everything else will fall into place.
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