Daddy's Little Girl

Today is a day that is hard for me whether I am bipolar or not.  My husband lost his uncle two years ago today.  To watch his cousin, Jessie go through that, even from afar was difficult because I love Jessie as if she were my own cousin and with Facebook we have become more and more close over time.  So the interesting thing about my blog is that it just talks about life as I pass through it, as anyone passes through it.

Looking back to two years ago, I am going to share my Facebook status from that day.  I had just come home from my sister's wedding in San Diego and it was what should have been a very happy time for us as a family.  It turned sad and heartbreaking quickly.

Facebook status 8/11/13:

We didn't always plan on driving to Kensuke and Kim's wedding but a few months ago, I came up with one of my great ideas or as Dan calls them my "Lucy ideas".The thing was, and until now only Dan knew this, I felt a very strong urge that we NEEDED to drive. I chalked it up to all the cool things that our kids could see along the route and left it at that. As with all my "Lucy ideas", this one did not come of easily and without problems. We ate PBJ to stay on budget for days in a row, the kids fought, and the driving was exhausting. One highlight was going to see Dan's Aunt Suzi, Uncle Ron and his cousin, Jessica and her family in New Mexico. We drove about 200 miles out of the way to see them but it was a wonderful family dinner with family we hadn't seen in 5+ years. We shared funny stories about Uncle Ron and Aunt Suzi rushing to be near Jessie when their granddaughters were born. We talked about Jessie's wedding and how Uncle Ron's boots cost more than the dress but he loved boots and these were REALLY nice boots. I left feeling glad to have seen them and knowing that I would miss them because we just live too far apart. As we drove on further, I was willing to admit that the driving idea was not one of my best because of the general stress of it all. That all changed a few days after we got home and my mother-in-law received a call that sadly Uncle Ron had passed away; he had a stroke the day after we had seen him. I now know why we needed to drive. God needed us in Jessie's house on that night for that particular dinner for her and her girls. Us being there gave her the chance to say, "I love you" and to hug her dad one more time. A large part of the conversation was happy memories for their family for a reason, to fill Jessie with a little comfort on these days that I am sure it is hard to find comfort in anything. Had we not been in town, there would have been no family dinner so I know God knew exactly what He was doing. My last memories of Uncle Ron will be him trying to learn to like his new sandals with purple socks because the NM tile floors were getting too difficult for him to navigate in his beloved boots. When asked what kind of fashion statement he was making with the purple socks, he said it was called "a comfort statement not a fashion statement" and we all laughed. I will remember him smiling because he was with his beloved girls: Suzi, Jessica, Emma and Katie. He was also smiling when he spoke to Jessie's husband, Mitch, because he knew that Jessie chose the right man to round out their family. I will forever remember Uncle Ron happy because he certainly was that night. Rest in Peace Ron Werderitsch, you are loved and missed. 

It is supposed to get supposed to get so much easier to handle loss but I just don't think it does.  I think it just changed.The pain changes, the reality that they are gone changes, and finality of it all changes.  I think you get to remember the good more and the hard fades, though so maybe that's a positive.  I guess I don't get the right to say though because I have never suffered this type of loss.  I know that when I talk to Jessie now that the pain is still just as raw and he heart hurts just as much.  

But I guess my gratitude for my "Lucy moment" is still there because Jessie had that last I love you moment and I know that gives her peace still to this day.  I know that God is a mystery but He was there with us last night showing Jessie that her daddy loved her very much.  And for all the pain at the time, all the pain since, and all the pain to come, that is a gift.  I know it might be crazy of me to ever say anything in someone else's loss is a gift because I have no right to have any kind of opinion but I know from the conversations that I have had with Jessie, and there have been many, that she feels blessed with that family dinner.  She was and will always be daddy's little girl and I think she wants to remember the boots and purple socks more than the sadness whenever she can.  Today maybe isn't that day but thankfully she has those memories for other days.

All day today I have been thinking about Jess and her family and hoping that they holding up okay.  Everyday with a loss if painful but the day of the loss is more painful.  For me, I chose to honor him as the great man that he was.  A loving man, a kind man, a wonderful husband, and just about the best damn father a little girl could ask for.  So to everyone out there, raise a glass to Ron today as he continues to rest in peace.  And to Jess, I love you, and will always be here to support you.