Hard To Love

Please welcome Christeen, my first guest blogger.........




I am Christeen, and Lisa has graciously allowed me to share about borderline personality disorder here on her blog.  To be diagnosed with bpd one has to exhibit 5 of the following symptoms: fear of abandonment, torrid relationships, black and white/all or nothing thinking, impulsive and/or dangerous behaviors, suicidal thoughts,inappropriate anger, intense and highly unstable moods, paranoia, and dissociative symptoms. Of the 9, I have 8.  The hardest part for me about bpd is that even many mental health professionals consider us to be beyond help.  How can we tell ourselves we can manage our symptoms, let alone our loved ones, if even ours psychiatrist tells us we cant? If you have bpd and are seeing a professional that believes you cant get better, please find a new one.  We CAN and DO learn to manage our symptoms. I would like to talk for a moment about how my mental illness affects my personal relationships. I should add that I also have bipolar, panic disorder, and ptsd. I tell people all the time I am HARD to love. Family relationships, friendships, and especially romantic relationships. I recently had a relationship end and I would say 50% or more of the reason was that he just couldn't handle my level of crazy.  It is hard for people to accept being pushed away and then begged not to leave.  Its hard for people to understand that when I am sad, nothing they say or do can make me happy.  Its especially hard for people to keep up when I flip back and forth between happy and sad over and over again, sometimes several times a day. I didn't date for FOUR years because I was trying to get myself mentally stable enough to be able to handle a relationship.  But when I am well, I tend to take on so much in life that I become overwhelmed and crash. I don't know how to set aside a small amount of the stress so I can deal with the important parts.  Instead I walk away from it all.  I live every day with guilt and regret. This week Ive shut everyone and everything away from myself so that I can give myself a chance to get my thoughts and emotions together.  It seems to be working ok.  Relationship wise, I think the hardest for us with bpd is that even our mentally ill loved ones sometimes give up on us.  As I said, I am very hard to love, which makes me very grateful for those who do love me.  Even on the days I don't seem grateful at all.


I want to thank Christeen for her insight.  I am going to share some statistics on borderline personality disorder because i am learning about it right along with you.  Christeen shared with you signs to watch for so you can seek help for yourself or your loved one if they apply to you.  

Current studies show that the completed suicide rate in borderline personality disorder is somewhere between 3.8% and 10%.  This is approximately 50 times the general population.

Suicide threats and self harm are common in BPD.

Known causes are: genetics, environmental factors, brain function.

If you think you or someone you love suffer from BPD, please seek help. If you are unsure where to begin you can contact the National Alliance on Mental Illness at 800-950-NAMI and they can steer you in the right direction.

Be the change you want to see in others.  Together we can help those with mental illness.