My Bipolar Life

Most days it can be pretty easy to feel sorry for yourself.  Pity parties are the easiest parties to plan and attend.  Until a day like today when tragedy strikes somewhere in the world.  I think everyone feels empathy for those in Oklahoma today. As sad as I am for those in Oklahoma, I am so grateful that I have even one more day to hug my kids tight and I did just that today.  I told them that they make me proud.  I ate an ice cream cone because it was a nice day and it made Ella happy.  I told everyone who would listen Billy's ACT score.  I lived life to the fullest.  In the face of tragedy, I chose to live and live large.  I chose to be grateful.  I chose to thank God for all I have.  I chose to pray for those who lost life, property, memories or anything else.  I hope for speedy rebuilding of their homes. So next time you are planning a pity party, remember another person's tragedy and think about the fact that maybe y...

Last week marked 20 years that I have been with my husband, over half my life.  It is amazing to me that is has been that long.  No, not because it has been all candy and flowers but because we were so young when we met that the odds were against us.  I was 19 and he was 20 when we began dating.  Quite honestly, neither of us know anything about adulthood then, yet we have somehow figured it all out along the way.  It hasn't been easy and it definately hasn't been luck, just good old-fashioned hardwork, love and commitment. One reason that we have stayed married it that when one of us felt defeated, the other always did their best to lift the other one up.  We both put the other one before ourselves. It is never a competition, score is not kept.  We believe that marriage is forever and we treat our marriage as such.  If we are going to be together forever, we might as well make it good. Another reason is that we stay friends.  We l...

In six days, it will be one of my best friend's 40th birthday.  All around me, my friends are turning 40.  I will be 40 very soon, myself.  It is an interesting time in life.  You still feel young and fun but you are smart enough to know better.  You make wiser choices most of the time.  You are better able to lead by example, you are usually settled and content.  However, part of you still oddly feels like high school just happened yesterday.  I want to talk a bit about my friend who turns 40 next Wednesday.  We are newer friends but I still count her as one of the most important people in my life.  She is one of the few people who comes to the hospital when I am sick.  She even spent the night with me there when I was scared.  She held my hand and hugged me even though she is not the most touchy feely person in the world.  She was just there.  Sometimes just being there is all I need.  I like to talk A L...

April 24th is always a weird day for me, a life changing day.  Yes, I know today is the 23rd but I just may not be able to get my thoughts out clearly tomorrow, I am mental, after all.  :) Forteen years ago tomorrow ago one of my best friends got married on a beautiful day.  In a beautiful wedding.  She chose slutty bridesmaid dresses which is kind of funny because she, BY FAR, my most conservative friend.  But I digress, beautiful wedding, beautiful bride, beautiful day, beautiful love story.  A love story that is going strong to this day.  Every April 24th, is the anniversary of one of my very best friend's wedding and for that reason it is supposed to be a great day. Seven years later, to the day, the same couple gave birth to a beautiful but sick little boy.  A little boy who struggled for 11 weeks and then passed away.  Seven years later, I remember ever detail of where I was and every word said to me about his passing, not to make t...

It was recently Dan's 40th birthday and we went to St. Louis to watch the Brewers play to celebrate.  And celebrate we did.  And after the celebrating, we celebrated.  Then we stopped for a second and celebrated. Let me explain, we sat in an all-inclusive area called The Champions Club that serviced hard liquor to us inclusively for about 4 hours.  At 40 years old, that is just never good.  Why they kept serving us, I have no idea.  Maybe they felt sorry for the only Brewers fans in the club of 200+. LOL  In their defense, we are not rowdy drunks. A little more about the day of his birthday; we woke up early because we had only driven part of the the way from Milwaukee to St. Louis.  We got to our hotel in St. Louis and took the Metra Train to Busch Stadium so there would be no drinking and driving. We waited in a line of what seemed to be a 100 million people to get in because it was a give away day at Busch Stadium.  A Cardinals Fan offe...

I don't often share deep details about my feelings about being bipolar.  On many levels, it is still, all these years later, a source of shame for me.  Although, my logical self knows  that it is a chemical thing, my heart feels that if I just tried harder to be normal (whatever that is), I would succeed.  In doing so, I have allowed people to treat me badly and walk allover me.  I have allowed people to convince me that I am not allowed to have a range of emotions.  I have allowed people to make me think that I am dangerous to others, even people who don't know me debate this one.  I have had many, many people walk out of my life because I am just too hard to handle, including family members who should love me the most.   I often wonder why I let people perceive me in a way that isn't my true reality.  Somedays, it is because the crazy, erratic behavior that is associated with bipolar was my life for so long that most people who know, even...

Prom 2013 My first born son with what he describes as a "George Washington pose" on his way to the Junior Prom.   Watching your child prepare for the prom is a weird thing as a mom.  Part of you knows that they are growing up but part of you wants them to be your little boy needing you for every little thing.  The pride you  feel is mixed with the sadness you feel that you will never again see him watch Sesame Street and yell every characters name as they come on  the screen, calling Cookie Monster Bubba to this day.  He won't ask me to tie his shoes, in fact, he is probably going to have to be tying my shoes for me soon enough, lol. I am so proud that I didn't cry when he was getting ready or when I was taking pictures but I must admit, I am a little teary-eyed now.  Billy is not my baby anymore, he is much closer to an adult.  Don't worry though, they are tears of joy.  This young man, is a much better person than I will ever...