A few more challenges
I don't often share deep details about my feelings about being bipolar. On many levels, it is still, all these years later, a source of shame for me. Although, my logical self knows that it is a chemical thing, my heart feels that if I just tried harder to be normal (whatever that is), I would succeed. In doing so, I have allowed people to treat me badly and walk allover me. I have allowed people to convince me that I am not allowed to have a range of emotions. I have allowed people to make me think that I am dangerous to others, even people who don't know me debate this one. I have had many, many people walk out of my life because I am just too hard to handle, including family members who should love me the most.
I often wonder why I let people perceive me in a way that isn't my true reality. Somedays, it is because the crazy, erratic behavior that is associated with bipolar was my life for so long that most people who know, even my family, don't expect calm rational thought from me. It as if, they won't even entertain the conversation because I would go off the deep end so they don't even try. Somedays, I feel guilty as hell that I was once crazy and erratic. I put my husband and children through so much ridiculousness that I feel that I owe them the right to judge me too harshly, to blame me first when things go wrong, and to generally make things my fault whether they are or not.
The reality is, that bipolar like any chronic illness is every changing. There are good days and bad days. For me, thank God, lately the good days far outweigh the bad days but the bad can still creep in. I am often filled with self-doubt, self-loathing and overall general insecurity. If a person doesn't like me, I will literally spend weeks trying to figure out what I did or said wrong to offend or upset them. I still to this day cannot fathom that maybe, just maybe, they are the asshole. I cannot end relationships, I cling to them for dear life. I want desperately to be loved because I have a very hard time loving myself. This for me is what bipolar is like.
I have talked about the good outweighing the bad and that is definitely true. Being bipolar has made me empathetic, more empathetic than most people deserve. It has made me loyal, I will be there for my loved ones through thick and thin without expecting anything in return. I can and will be the best friend that you can ever have. I am loving, so loving that I often tell those I love much that I love them much more than they care to hear. It has made me forgiving because quite honestly, with all the things I have done in my life, there is nothing anyone will do that I can't forgive. I must admit, they do need to be sorry for true forgiveness to happen in my heart. I am not judgmental, it just not my place. I am always willing to give someone a second chance if they want it, I don't want to be judged by my past so I will never judge you by yours. I will always give someone the benefit of the doubt.
I am often asked if I am mad that I am bipolar and the true answer most days is no. I guess it is because I have known no other life. For the most part, my life feels good to me. My life is a gift from God like every other life and someday, I will know why I was given a few more challenges. For now, I know that challenge is good and I am good. At this moment, I am not filled with self-doubt and self-loathing, I am filled with pride at being the kind, loving person that we should all aspire to be.
I often wonder why I let people perceive me in a way that isn't my true reality. Somedays, it is because the crazy, erratic behavior that is associated with bipolar was my life for so long that most people who know, even my family, don't expect calm rational thought from me. It as if, they won't even entertain the conversation because I would go off the deep end so they don't even try. Somedays, I feel guilty as hell that I was once crazy and erratic. I put my husband and children through so much ridiculousness that I feel that I owe them the right to judge me too harshly, to blame me first when things go wrong, and to generally make things my fault whether they are or not.
The reality is, that bipolar like any chronic illness is every changing. There are good days and bad days. For me, thank God, lately the good days far outweigh the bad days but the bad can still creep in. I am often filled with self-doubt, self-loathing and overall general insecurity. If a person doesn't like me, I will literally spend weeks trying to figure out what I did or said wrong to offend or upset them. I still to this day cannot fathom that maybe, just maybe, they are the asshole. I cannot end relationships, I cling to them for dear life. I want desperately to be loved because I have a very hard time loving myself. This for me is what bipolar is like.
I have talked about the good outweighing the bad and that is definitely true. Being bipolar has made me empathetic, more empathetic than most people deserve. It has made me loyal, I will be there for my loved ones through thick and thin without expecting anything in return. I can and will be the best friend that you can ever have. I am loving, so loving that I often tell those I love much that I love them much more than they care to hear. It has made me forgiving because quite honestly, with all the things I have done in my life, there is nothing anyone will do that I can't forgive. I must admit, they do need to be sorry for true forgiveness to happen in my heart. I am not judgmental, it just not my place. I am always willing to give someone a second chance if they want it, I don't want to be judged by my past so I will never judge you by yours. I will always give someone the benefit of the doubt.
I am often asked if I am mad that I am bipolar and the true answer most days is no. I guess it is because I have known no other life. For the most part, my life feels good to me. My life is a gift from God like every other life and someday, I will know why I was given a few more challenges. For now, I know that challenge is good and I am good. At this moment, I am not filled with self-doubt and self-loathing, I am filled with pride at being the kind, loving person that we should all aspire to be.
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