My Bipolar Life

It's Saturday which means it is time for another installment of my Gratitude Attitude.... 1.  I am grateful for Kimmie....she keeps me sane.  That's a hard job because I feel like I am drowning a lot.  I am glad that she always reaches her hand out to pull me to sanity. 2.  I am grateful that I survived this week....it simply sucked. 3.  I am grateful for my job.  They appreciate my positive nature and are working hard to accommodate my ever changing needs as I prepare for surgery. 4.  I am grateful for the confidence I feel in the doctors as I prepare to have my knee replaced.  Their pro-active nature calms my nerves. 5. I am grateful for Lorri because she helped me through my surgery prep appointment and sometimes we find friends where we didn't know we had them. 6.  I am grateful for my strength because it gets me through the darker days. 7.  I am grateful for Amanda because she has not been my friend forever but she has...

I have been trying to write this post for several days but I wanted my words to contain grace, eloquence, depth, and meaning.  So here goes...... My best friend's sister passed away very early on Monday morning.  It was sudden and unexpected and I am struggling to make sense of it all.  This is one of the hardest losses I have felt in recent years and she and I were not really close.  We were involved in each other's lives because we both share an undying love for Kim.  Our bond was solidified due to our love for Kim.  I feel a sense of loss because as much as Kim was my person, Kristi was Kim's person.  To see my friend lose her best friend is unbearable, simply devastating.  My heart breaks for her, Kristi's husband, Kristi's kids and all those who lives she has touched.  She has touched many lives and many hearts, mine included.  I have never told Kristi what I have learned from her and how much she taught me.  I wish that I ...

I have been lost for quite a few weeks now.  This knee surgery BS has had me so upset but there ismore to life then negativity, anger, resentment, and sadness, so very much more.  I have chosen once again to find my bliss and sharing it because I am blessed, as we all are...so I present to you, as I hope to every Saturday, my new "Gratitude Attitude".....10 things that I am thankful for this week. 1. I am thankful that I am loved.  Especially by Dan.  That man is annoying, difficult, cranky and quite honestly, getting old but he fills my heart with joy every day.  The yin to my yang, my partner in crime, my best friend, and, of course, the Ethel to my Lucy. 2. I am thankful that being able to buy new rings for her vacation brings absolute joy to Ella. 3. I am thankful that James had fun at Billy Joel tonight. 4. I am thankful that Billy thinks going to Six Flags next weekend is dope. 5. I am thankful that my children are each their own person...

Started this last night, dozed off during the writing....so here it finally is Today is NOT my favorite day.....I am completely exhausted emotionally and physically.  The reality of my life is that I have so many people who truly love me but I honestly don't think any one person understands me.  I recognize that it is difficult to understand another person's situation especially when they look at things completely different than you do.  I understand that my loved ones and support people look at life vastly different than me, but don't we all look at the world different than the person next to us?  Unfortunately, this lack of understanding has been difficult and painful for me because I need someone to go to bat for me sometimes when I don't feel confident in my ability to express myself. I know that it seems like I am saying that I can't take care of myself and guess what, I can't.  I NEED help sometimes, a lot of the time, in fact.  I need someone to...

An update..... I saw Dr. kohli today for an update on my knee as all the information previously that I had received was from his PA, Eric. The concerns I had about having a knee replacement at a young age knowing that a new knee would not survive my life and that they can only do one more replacement for a total of two due to scar tissue scared me.  Dr. Kohli had been talking about that for quite some time and how alternately I would end up in a wheelchair and that was concerning and part of the major, or rather minor breakdown, I had yesterday.   Eric said it was time for a knee replacement but Dr. Kohli feels differently And he feels that a second ACL reconstruction is more prudent and warranted and looks like I'm going that route on April 15th. I just need to see hematology doctor, Dr. Treisman, and see what he thinks about survival rates of the surgery because that was another very real concern of mine. Dr. Kohli said the stroke risk is a very real concern ...

I often talk about pulling yourself back up when everything seems to be trying to knock you down. This isn't just something I say, it's something I do because quite honestly, it became the only way I could survive for awhile. I then just adopted this attitude and went along seizing life. And what a great life it's been of late: my marriage is more solid than it's ever been, my kids are thriving, my job is awesome and I'm good at it, and I'm not only attending a Big Ten University but in excelling there. Oh the doubts that bipolar had put in my head about my ability to be "normal" are fading.  But that doesn't mean sometimes I'm not drawn backwards in a jolt that reminds me to never be too comfortable because life is rocky and my ability to roll with the punches is the biggest part of me. The me that I most want to be remembered. That being said, I am slipping and sliding down the slopes of life today.  It started yesterday morning. I had some m...

I haven't written anything in quite awhile, I know.  I guess when stability sets in, there becomes less and less to write about.  Less and less to share because life becomes really mundane and ordinary.  And I guess I don't think that anyone wants to hear about mundane and ordinary.  I am grateful for the stability that I now have and it is making more certain in my purpose in life.  I have for the last few years felt that my purpose was to help others and that is why I chose to study to become a victim's advocate.  I thought that I had the right mix of compassion, empathy and understanding to help others when they are going through their worst.  I realized recently that others do, too when a family member reached out to me because a friend of theirs was struggling with bipolar.  My family member thought that I could help them.  I am not sure, yet, if that is true, if I was helpful but I guess time will tell. While I continue you through my...