Pity party.........table of one!

The past six weeks have been quite eventful for me.  It all began on August 29th when I had my ACL reconstructed.  The next few days were ok and not overly painful but by September 5th my leg began to swell.  On September 6th, we finally went to urgent care because my calf was huge and my breathing was a little odd.  Long story short, I had a bilateral PE and a DVT which are a just nice names for deadly blood clots. I was admitted to the hospital.  September 7th was Billy's 17th birthday and I missed it, his last one at home before college and I missed it.  I spent 16 days total in and out the hospital.  It was hard.

It was so hard and continues to be hard.  I worry often about the likelihood that this could be the beginning of my end.  If I am honest with myself, that really just simply pisses me off.  It makes me sad, it makes me cry.  It makes me horrifically jealous of those who have not had 5 life threatening conditions in the last 3 years.  It makes me throw myself a huge pity party, one in which I am the star and only guest.  I am the one to be pitied because I want to be and today that is just enough reason.

I spend most of this blog explaining how I face adversary and power through but I don't want to today.  I want to feel sorry myself and find no positive in the sitiation.  I know that this cannot last forever and I need to eventually bounce back, and when I do, it will be huge.  I will kick this pity party's ass just like I kicked bipolar's ass.  With strength, dignity and drive.  Even though I CHOOSE with ever ounce of my being to feel sorry for my self right now, I don't care who doesn't approve.  They can face death and handle it however they wish, but for me, a beautifully set pity party table is how I wish to handle it.  Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, or maybe futher down the road, acceptance will come and a I will stop wondering why me, why did I almost die 3 times and start thinking lucky me; I got 5 deadly clots and survived! How many people can effin say that?!?!?





































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