Hypocritical Advocates
As I navigate my way through school, I am afforded a lot of opportunities to write about mental illness issues. I am preparing to write a paper about the treatment of the mentally ill in prison. I feel so passionate about all issues that the mentally ill face. I feel protective of anyone with mental illness. I feel like I am part of an exclusive club that few understand. I don't love that I understand this club but I do, very well.
What I wonder about my passion for mental health issues is would I feel this way if I wasn't mentally ill? Would I care at all? Would my passion even be compassion for those who faced these very serious illnesses? Sadly, I think it would not. I think I wouldn't feel anything at all towards the mentally ill. I also feel that this is not okay. Why does one's activism come from their own adversity? Does this make me and every other new found advocate a hypocrite? Is our activism fake?
Maybe that is why we are given adversity in the first place, maybe isn't to make me and others hypocritical advocates. Maybe God is trying to challenge us to be teachers and help others who have it a bit worse. While I have a very severe mental illness, there are definitely people who have it worse. I need to use my knowledge and compassion towards others to educate as many people as possible about the pain of mental illness. Unless you face it, you simply cannot imagine the severe pain that you feel when you easily lose control of yourself emotionally. It is just so painful.
There are many reasons why this is painful for me. I have an incredible memory, I have a hard time forgiving myself and I have immense guilt. I say and do terrible things when I have what I call a "bipolar moment". I have a very hard time forgetting things that I say and do, long after others have let it go. I have a really difficult time forgiving myself for what is definitely inappropriate behavior. Sometimes it is even unforgivable behavior, at least in my eyes. I also feel terribly guilty for my behavior. It takes me so long to forgive myself and the shame is almost insurmountable.
While I encourage others to be compassionate towards others with mental illness, I don't feel that compassion towards myself. I have no empathy towards the illness that I have but a lot towards everyone else who has mental illness. Maybe I need to be an advocate for myself and admit to myself that my illness is worthy of the empathy that I so strongly advocate for. As much as I have accepted the illness, I have failed to accept that I have all the symptoms of mental illness. Couple that with the fact that I am not perfect and I am flawed. But that's okay because today I accept myself, flaws and all.
What I wonder about my passion for mental health issues is would I feel this way if I wasn't mentally ill? Would I care at all? Would my passion even be compassion for those who faced these very serious illnesses? Sadly, I think it would not. I think I wouldn't feel anything at all towards the mentally ill. I also feel that this is not okay. Why does one's activism come from their own adversity? Does this make me and every other new found advocate a hypocrite? Is our activism fake?
Maybe that is why we are given adversity in the first place, maybe isn't to make me and others hypocritical advocates. Maybe God is trying to challenge us to be teachers and help others who have it a bit worse. While I have a very severe mental illness, there are definitely people who have it worse. I need to use my knowledge and compassion towards others to educate as many people as possible about the pain of mental illness. Unless you face it, you simply cannot imagine the severe pain that you feel when you easily lose control of yourself emotionally. It is just so painful.
There are many reasons why this is painful for me. I have an incredible memory, I have a hard time forgiving myself and I have immense guilt. I say and do terrible things when I have what I call a "bipolar moment". I have a very hard time forgetting things that I say and do, long after others have let it go. I have a really difficult time forgiving myself for what is definitely inappropriate behavior. Sometimes it is even unforgivable behavior, at least in my eyes. I also feel terribly guilty for my behavior. It takes me so long to forgive myself and the shame is almost insurmountable.
While I encourage others to be compassionate towards others with mental illness, I don't feel that compassion towards myself. I have no empathy towards the illness that I have but a lot towards everyone else who has mental illness. Maybe I need to be an advocate for myself and admit to myself that my illness is worthy of the empathy that I so strongly advocate for. As much as I have accepted the illness, I have failed to accept that I have all the symptoms of mental illness. Couple that with the fact that I am not perfect and I am flawed. But that's okay because today I accept myself, flaws and all.
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