Psycho, Psycho, Psycho

Sometimes I wonder where the bipolar lets off and my personality enters.  I am not only bipolar;  I am a women who loves hard and trusts easily.  My trusting nature causes me to get hurt easily because I can easily be taken advantage of by others.  I let people in too close to my heart and don't protect myself enough.  All of these things can be huge problems and my heart hurts today because of it.  Is my naive nature because of the bipolar, because of my upbringing or just because this is the person I was born to be?

I was called psycho and poison last night.  I was told that I have accomplished nothing in my life because I am 41 and all I do is work at McDonald's.  I know some of you may think I should have responded with a big "Fuck you, you know nothing", but the reality is that she knows me fairly well.  I would say we were friends but does a friend hit you so far below the belt?  Dan tells me to let it go because her opinion means nothing but I just keep hearing, "psycho, psycho, psycho".  I realize that by trusting someone that ultimately really doesn't care about me is a recipe for disaster.  Is it "bipolar Lisa" or just "friendly, nice Lisa" that thinks people's intentions are as pure as mine?  In the last three, maybe four years, I have learned how to hear someone's ugly or bad parts and truly love them anyway.  However, when I have shown my ugly or bad parts to new friends in the last few years, my ugly is thrown back at me hard.

  "Psycho, psycho, psycho" is all I hear over and over in my brain.  That is possibly the worst word ever said to me because my fear of being considered crazy is oh so real.  People think I'm crazy if I let them see the real and true me.  I am not good enough and I try so hard to be someone so amazing and kind.  The last time I had an issue with a "friend", I was told by someone I love and respect immensely that I don't forgive enough and I walk away from friendships too easily.  Where does this leave me"  As an unforgiving, psycho?  If I stayed in friendships when I think I should walk away then it means that I allowed myself to be called "psycho" and accept it.  Is this okay and I am too unforgiving to realize it?

As I write this, I am tearing up because I try so hard to be kind but that isn't how I am perceived.  If I let someone in, they cannot wait to destroy my feelings.  My feelings are fragile.  Maybe that fragility comes from bipolar and maybe it comes from just being me.  I think who I am is pretty damn great but a lot of people this year think otherwise.  So who am I really?  I hope and pray that who I am is enough.  I hope that by stripping my friendships down, I am finding people who love me enough to not call me psycho even if I am being psycho.  That's what friends do, they love you psycho and all.

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