Why? Why? Why?
Being bipolar can be really fucking hard sometimes. If you regularly read my blog, you know that I try to not let the bipolar get me down. I do not let it define me. I look for any positives that may exist because of the bipolar. None of this changes the reality that it can be so excruciatingly, devastatingly hard. When these bad times hit I kind of feel like I am treading water in deep water. Am I drowning? No. I don't need to be rescued but I am getting tired in the deep water so a little assistance would be nice. I have friends and family that help me all the time. For that I will always be grateful. I think that I have so much support because I am a genuinely good friend. I am there when needed, always.
The key to these friendships is longevity. These friends and family members know me at my worst and they love me nonetheless. I am very lovable at my best. Luckily, I am my best self most of the time so I have all of these people who are there when I am at my worst. These friends and family have spent years at my side and I at theirs. They love me and they will hold my hand through the bad because I will hold theirs, too.
This is where my problem comes in. As with any person, I make new friends as time goes on. I have had a few friendships blow up in my face. I had chosen poorly. I think the main reason that it blew up in my face is because both friendships were with other mentally ill people. I didn't look at their illnesses because I don't want mine to define me. But the reality is, if you befriend a mentally ill person, you will likely face the illness head on eventually. I tend to be pretty even tempered so they always got to be the one having the problems. Well, here in lies the problem. When I was in crisis, they simply did not know how to deal or comfort me. It was painful but the friendships didn't work. They were just very one-sided because I love fully when you are my friend. I don't often expect much in return. I needed to walk away from these people.
The other issue is that friends that I have made recently is that they do not know me at my worst. I have been their through their trials and tribulations but I don't open mine up to them. I keep my ugly closed off because I don't have as much as I used to. I am finding that I don't really have friends who know how to deal with it. This is causing me to get hurt, repeatedly. I was told today that that I can't use my bipolar as an excuse for being overly sensitive. What the hell is that?!?! That's kind of what bipolar is. Why is everyone an expert on bipolar and how it affects my life? Why don't people stop talking when they make someone (me) cry? Why? Why? Why?
Do I let some one's insensitivity on an isolated incident when I need them ruin another friendship? Am I expecting too much for people to be sensitive to me because I am sensitive to their feelings? Am I wrong to think that is common decency? Hmm. I just don't know what to think. I'm just simply sad that I keep getting hurt. A lot. And repeatedly.
I guess the reality is that I like the type of person I am. I like that I am kind. I like that I will reach out my hand if a loved one needs it. Or I will even reach out my hand to a stranger. I guess I will keep getting hurt because I am sure that I will continue to give more that I get. And this is okay. It has to be okay because this is me and I am okay. We are all okay.
The key to these friendships is longevity. These friends and family members know me at my worst and they love me nonetheless. I am very lovable at my best. Luckily, I am my best self most of the time so I have all of these people who are there when I am at my worst. These friends and family have spent years at my side and I at theirs. They love me and they will hold my hand through the bad because I will hold theirs, too.
This is where my problem comes in. As with any person, I make new friends as time goes on. I have had a few friendships blow up in my face. I had chosen poorly. I think the main reason that it blew up in my face is because both friendships were with other mentally ill people. I didn't look at their illnesses because I don't want mine to define me. But the reality is, if you befriend a mentally ill person, you will likely face the illness head on eventually. I tend to be pretty even tempered so they always got to be the one having the problems. Well, here in lies the problem. When I was in crisis, they simply did not know how to deal or comfort me. It was painful but the friendships didn't work. They were just very one-sided because I love fully when you are my friend. I don't often expect much in return. I needed to walk away from these people.
The other issue is that friends that I have made recently is that they do not know me at my worst. I have been their through their trials and tribulations but I don't open mine up to them. I keep my ugly closed off because I don't have as much as I used to. I am finding that I don't really have friends who know how to deal with it. This is causing me to get hurt, repeatedly. I was told today that that I can't use my bipolar as an excuse for being overly sensitive. What the hell is that?!?! That's kind of what bipolar is. Why is everyone an expert on bipolar and how it affects my life? Why don't people stop talking when they make someone (me) cry? Why? Why? Why?
Do I let some one's insensitivity on an isolated incident when I need them ruin another friendship? Am I expecting too much for people to be sensitive to me because I am sensitive to their feelings? Am I wrong to think that is common decency? Hmm. I just don't know what to think. I'm just simply sad that I keep getting hurt. A lot. And repeatedly.
I guess the reality is that I like the type of person I am. I like that I am kind. I like that I will reach out my hand if a loved one needs it. Or I will even reach out my hand to a stranger. I guess I will keep getting hurt because I am sure that I will continue to give more that I get. And this is okay. It has to be okay because this is me and I am okay. We are all okay.
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