Reality Has Just Hit Me.......

Billy leaves for college in exactly one month.  I think reality has just hit me, he is really leaving.  Sitting here now, this is the first time that tears have come to my eyes thinking about it.  I always knew this day would come and I am so proud but I don't know that I am ready, after all.  I don't know that I am ready to be done parenting him but the reality is that whether he stays here or goes, that time of my life is gone.  The ship has sailed, he isn't a baby anymore.  He is a man and I need to trust that I have made enough good decisions and given him enough tools to be a good man, a loyal man, a kind man.  The type of man that any date would be proud to introduce to their parents.  I think I have done these things but time will tell.

Unless you have seen your child move on and move out, it is probably very hard to understand the bittersweet feelings that I have.  I know that everyone told me that it all goes by so quickly but I don't think anyone truly believes it, myself included.  Time seems to be the one thing that you have an endless supply of.  It often seems that you have forever to have picnics in the living room, to build Lego's and to just be with your baby.  Billy and I sat and ate a snack together last night for my birthday and the reality is that it may have been the last time we can have a "date" for awhile.  Life is busy, he is busy and I am busy.

I guess I will have to rely on my memories until he comes home on a break and we can create new ones.  I will have to be thankful that I even got to be a mother.  Not everyone gets to realize that dream.  My dream was realized three times and they are simply amazing.  Just as my dreams have been realized, it is time for my boy to start realizing his.  As sad as I am at this moment, him having the strength and courage to go so far away for school is another one of my dreams realized.  Just like my mom did for me and my sisters, I always hoped to raise children who could stand on their own and feel capable of following their dreams even if that dream involved moving away.  I now realize that this may mean that Dan and I live in one state and our children (and grandchildren) live in three others.

So as I think back on the last (almost) 18 years with him at home, I will remember his love of Sesame Street, his weird way of renaming things (does anyone know what a boodoo is?) and his kind, gentle nature even from a very small age.  I know I sound like I will never see him again and I certainly know that I will see him but life as I know it is different.  Our relationship, like all good ones, is evolving. 

 I guess I will have to just remember when I had nothing but time and my baby looked like this......

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