My Bipolar Life

Being bipolar can be really fucking hard sometimes.  If you regularly read my blog, you know that I try to not let the bipolar get me down.  I do not let it define me.  I look for any positives that may exist because of the bipolar.  None of this changes the reality that it can be so excruciatingly, devastatingly hard.  When these bad times hit I kind of feel like I am treading water in deep water.  Am I drowning?  No.  I don't need to be rescued but I am getting tired in the deep water so a little assistance would be nice.  I have friends and family that help me all the time.  For that I will always be grateful.  I think that I have so much support because I am a genuinely good friend.  I am there when needed, always. The key to these friendships is longevity.  These friends and family members know me at my worst and they love me nonetheless.  I am very lovable at my best.  Luckily, I am my best self most of t...

Sometimes I wonder where the bipolar lets off and my personality enters.  I am not only bipolar;  I am a women who loves hard and trusts easily.  My trusting nature causes me to get hurt easily because I can easily be taken advantage of by others.  I let people in too close to my heart and don't protect myself enough.  All of these things can be huge problems and my heart hurts today because of it.  Is my naive nature because of the bipolar, because of my upbringing or just because this is the person I was born to be? I was called psycho and poison last night.  I was told that I have accomplished nothing in my life because I am 41 and all I do is work at McDonald's.  I know some of you may think I should have responded with a big "Fuck you, you know nothing", but the reality is that she knows me fairly well.  I would say we were friends but does a friend hit you so far below the belt?  Dan tells me to let it go because her opinion mea...

Billy leaves for college in exactly one month.  I think reality has just hit me, he is really leaving.  Sitting here now, this is the first time that tears have come to my eyes thinking about it.  I always knew this day would come and I am so proud but I don't know that I am ready, after all.  I don't know that I am ready to be done parenting him but the reality is that whether he stays here or goes, that time of my life is gone.  The ship has sailed, he isn't a baby anymore.  He is a man and I need to trust that I have made enough good decisions and given him enough tools to be a good man, a loyal man, a kind man.  The type of man that any date would be proud to introduce to their parents.  I think I have done these things but time will tell. Unless you have seen your child move on and move out, it is probably very hard to understand the bittersweet feelings that I have.  I know that everyone told me that it all goes by so quickly but I d...

As I navigate my way through school, I am afforded a lot of opportunities to write about mental illness issues.  I am preparing to write a paper about the treatment of the mentally ill in prison.  I feel so passionate about all issues that the mentally ill face.  I feel protective of anyone with mental illness.  I feel like I am part of an exclusive club that few understand.  I don't love that I understand this club but I do, very well. What I wonder about my passion for mental health issues is would I feel this way if I wasn't mentally ill?  Would I care at all?  Would my passion even be compassion for those who faced these very serious illnesses?  Sadly, I think it would not.  I think I wouldn't feel anything at all towards the mentally ill.  I also feel that this is not okay.  Why does one's activism come from their own adversity?  Does this make me and every other new found advocate a hypocrite?  Is our activism fake...

My daughter has been sick and in a lot of pain.  I have been hesitant to talk much about it because it scares me and knowing that she could read this, I don't want her to read about the pain that seeing her hurting causes me.  The thing is, though, Ella wants me to talk about my feelings.  Maybe that comes from always having an open and honest relationship with her.  I haven't lied to her about the fact that this could be a scary ride.  She could be really sick.  But she could be okay, too.  She has been diagnosed with vitiligo which is not painful.  But she is in pain so they are still searching.  All the ER doctors think that it is an autoimmune disease.  Her primary doctor says it could be a bad infection or lyme disease.  I never thought that I would pray for a bad infection but I pray for exactly that.  So on to my true feelings......I am terrified.  Kids shouldn't be sick, they just shouldn't.  I spend a large...

I have joined an intensive outpatient program that is a lot of group therapy.  In this setting, we all talk about what is bothering us in hopes of improving our situation.  I talked about the stress that I am under.  I feel stress because of work, school and a busy family life.  The group was mostly in consensus that I need to let things go and their main suggestion was school.  It is so difficult because I am there to improve myself and gain insight but I absolutely do not want to cut back on school or worse yet, quit school.  I am trying so hard to better myself and find my passion that quitting school seems like the thing that will most likely spiral me into a deep and dark place.  I don't like that place and I certainly don't want to go there. I guess the question I am left with is, why is it not okay to follow my dreams?  Why is it not okay to put myself first?  Why does something always have to give?  I feel like now is my time a...

I'm a little all over the place with my thoughts today.  Not in a bipolar, I can't reign it in way, but in a I'm human and I have decency way.  Everyone of us sees so many of things throughout the day that it can be surprising which can have an impact and which can just slip away.  I think sometimes a moment in your day may have no meaning until it has passed, until it is too late for you to do something, for you to make the change that you should have made.  This happened to me yesterday and my heart still hurts a little bit because I did the wrong thing in the moment and now I regret it.  For as much as I like rules and order, sometimes exceptions need to be made because it is the right thing to do, actually the only truly decent thing to do. Our lobby at work closes at 12 midnight.  The drive-thru remains open but cannot have walk up traffic due to the safety concern.  Around 12:15 am we had a homeless women walk up and want to order food. ...