A million
You have all been sitting on the sideline waiting for the blog when I lost my shit and went bat shit crazy. Well, wait not longer, my friends, you have found it. Today is the day I lose my shit. Yesterday, I almost died. Not in the way that teens "like omg I like almost died" die. But I like the in the real way that people almost lose life, a code blue was called on me, my heart had a dangerous rhythm, I passed out and the shocked me back to normal with the paddles. It was the best moment of my life and the worst all at one second. I have so much to be grateful for but why in the hell am I the rarest of the rare exception for everything? I'd rather not be.
I would rather it all go away. I would rather have been able to eavesdrop on the male nurse's whole story about his lesbian sister in law's wedding in West Hollywood. I will use quotes as they are exact quotes and from what I think, pretty offensive. But the wedding was in "boy's town" because that is where all the "best gays" live (best gays??? That leads me to so many questions but that is for another time.) This all leads to my point that I couldn't even enjoy the homophobic love story because I was so lost and distraught.
Most of the doctor's told me that they had never seen it before. That was reassuring that it was rare and the reality is, when I coded, they knew what to do.
When I was sitting in my room, I was remembering who was thinking of me most when I was gone and I hope I don't miss anyone one: Ginny, Christeen, Bre, Marty, Kimmie, Tracy, Mike, Michelle, Nicole, Meg, Aunt Joyce, Uncle Bob, Heather, Scott, Laura, Jason, Dan, Norah, Henry, Robin, Natalie, Ken, Kimmy, Kaya and London, Chantal, Shaquita, Joe, Steph, Mary Fran, Johanna, Lynne, Chris, Sue, Mrs. B, Paula, Roger, Hailey, Tommy and Liz and my entire family supporting me (Ella with cards, Dan and the boys with calls, Mom and Mom and Dad P being my traveling buddies). If I am missing you, I am soooo sooooo sorry, the whole blog tomorrow will be about how much I love you.
But what does all this love mean? That I would have a kick ass funeral? That is how it feels today. I feel sad and scared and sad and scared and sad and scared. Then I stop for a second to cry. Then I repeat. I dedicated a song to my family two weeks ago but I think I failed a few of you (yes, I am talking to you, Shaquita) because I need each and everyone of you that I would go crawling down the avenue for you, too. My family and my friend are my everything. This song is dedicated to you........
I was laying there yesterday and all I kept thinking was, do they know how much I love them? Did I say it enough? Do I say it enough? I hope so because those I love it is a million. I love you a million. Each of you for your own reason, it is a million.
I would rather it all go away. I would rather have been able to eavesdrop on the male nurse's whole story about his lesbian sister in law's wedding in West Hollywood. I will use quotes as they are exact quotes and from what I think, pretty offensive. But the wedding was in "boy's town" because that is where all the "best gays" live (best gays??? That leads me to so many questions but that is for another time.) This all leads to my point that I couldn't even enjoy the homophobic love story because I was so lost and distraught.
Most of the doctor's told me that they had never seen it before. That was reassuring that it was rare and the reality is, when I coded, they knew what to do.
When I was sitting in my room, I was remembering who was thinking of me most when I was gone and I hope I don't miss anyone one: Ginny, Christeen, Bre, Marty, Kimmie, Tracy, Mike, Michelle, Nicole, Meg, Aunt Joyce, Uncle Bob, Heather, Scott, Laura, Jason, Dan, Norah, Henry, Robin, Natalie, Ken, Kimmy, Kaya and London, Chantal, Shaquita, Joe, Steph, Mary Fran, Johanna, Lynne, Chris, Sue, Mrs. B, Paula, Roger, Hailey, Tommy and Liz and my entire family supporting me (Ella with cards, Dan and the boys with calls, Mom and Mom and Dad P being my traveling buddies). If I am missing you, I am soooo sooooo sorry, the whole blog tomorrow will be about how much I love you.
But what does all this love mean? That I would have a kick ass funeral? That is how it feels today. I feel sad and scared and sad and scared and sad and scared. Then I stop for a second to cry. Then I repeat. I dedicated a song to my family two weeks ago but I think I failed a few of you (yes, I am talking to you, Shaquita) because I need each and everyone of you that I would go crawling down the avenue for you, too. My family and my friend are my everything. This song is dedicated to you........
I was laying there yesterday and all I kept thinking was, do they know how much I love them? Did I say it enough? Do I say it enough? I hope so because those I love it is a million. I love you a million. Each of you for your own reason, it is a million.
Comments
Post a Comment