CrazyTrain
This blog is not called "My Bipolar Life" for no reason. I am bipolar and with that you should expect some amount of crazy. I lost my shit yesterday and that was just the beginning. Sometimes you should expect the entire crazy train, that is what you are getting today. The most interesting thing about bipolar, at least in my opinion, is things that are entirely logical to me make entirely no sense to anyone else. NONE!! But yet, I keep on keeping on, in what I think is a perfectly logical way (which apparently it is not) and doing the best I can to keep calm and carry on.
Well on the crazy train, there is no calm, there is just a bunch of basket cases and I am one of them today and probably will still be tomorrow. I went to see the best cardiologist in Milwaukee today, Dr. Port, and luckily he is my doctor already so I have a report. Coincidentally, he has worked with my cardiologist at The Mayo and he wondered how I did with him because he didn't see us being a good fit. He didn't see Dr. Clements, "getting me and my humor." (Read that as Dr. Clements will think I talk too much and don't stay on task) Well damn, Dr. Port you are pretty dead on, he was nice and brilliant but it was uncomfortable each of the four times I saw him. I only had one question for Dr. Port and it was one that I have been afraid to ask since Monday. I was never ready to hear the answer yet I NEEDED to know the answer. So here was my change. How fast was my heart beating? This is one of those illogical bipolar NEEDS. Why do I need to know? I can't explain it but I just do. So I am going to ask Dr. Port.
Guess what? That is not something that would be reported. But he did tell me the criteria to have A-fib, which is what I had, is at least 300 beats per minutes. (Average is 60-80 beats per minutes) Excuse me?!?!? Say what?!?!? No wonder I passed out, that would effin hurt. He went on to tell me more that he had learned from the report that they had sent him. They had to shock me several times. This means that they were having a hard time getting me back. This is where I become a basket case. I was accepting of one shock and my heart returning to normal. I am just not OK with them fighting to get me back. This is another bipolar moment I guess because everyone keeps telling me to just be grateful that it is in the past but I am sobbing now just thinking about it. Because you know what, I am mad as hell!! Why is this keep happening to me?? What am I missing in God's master plan for me?? Because it is so unbelievably unfair. It is not about pain, I can do pain. It is not about illness, I can do illness. But this constant life-threatening illnesses can be shoved up the asshole of this guy I once knew who moved to Tampa. No, I am saying that he should get the illness, that they should be tucked away for no one to get them. I wish that hell on no one. Not even him, he is some one's dad.
I feel lost because I went to The Mayo for answers and the biggest answers I got was New Year, new attempt by my body at death and this attempt was a doozy. I AM NOT READY TO DIE. Did you hear me, God??? NOT READY. So please stop trying. I have been trying so hard to live my life in a way that shows that I am grateful for life and grateful for all that I am given at all times that I never just say, yes, I am pissed as hell that life is unfair. That would be wrong, that would be selfish, that would be uncaring. But on the crazy train, no one gives a damn and I am riding that train right now so, for once in a long time, I don't give a damn about anyone else either.
I always think about the small, sick children and those losing their battle with illness before I allowed myself to feel at all bad about what I am going through. But the crazy train conductor told that I don't have to do that anymore. I can just feel mad, sad and sorry for myself because for every 3 people who are sicker, more dying, etc, etc, there are 10 more who are better off. It is OK to feel badly. It is OK to get upset that things are not going the way that I had planned 25 years ago. Or even on the day I got married. I was healthy and had no anticipation that this would be my life.
So for few days I will just be heartbroken. If you talk to me and wonder what's wrong, that's it, it's my (emotional) heart healing and that just takes time. It doesn't take long for me. And the best part of the crazy train for me, I can never ride it long, I miss my home. I miss my normalcy, I miss me. So I will be back. I just need to mourn another almost (very serious) near death experience. I need to be pissed, I need to be sad, I need to feel slighted and I need to then feel better. I will get there and I know I have all the support in the world to help me find my way.
Well on the crazy train, there is no calm, there is just a bunch of basket cases and I am one of them today and probably will still be tomorrow. I went to see the best cardiologist in Milwaukee today, Dr. Port, and luckily he is my doctor already so I have a report. Coincidentally, he has worked with my cardiologist at The Mayo and he wondered how I did with him because he didn't see us being a good fit. He didn't see Dr. Clements, "getting me and my humor." (Read that as Dr. Clements will think I talk too much and don't stay on task) Well damn, Dr. Port you are pretty dead on, he was nice and brilliant but it was uncomfortable each of the four times I saw him. I only had one question for Dr. Port and it was one that I have been afraid to ask since Monday. I was never ready to hear the answer yet I NEEDED to know the answer. So here was my change. How fast was my heart beating? This is one of those illogical bipolar NEEDS. Why do I need to know? I can't explain it but I just do. So I am going to ask Dr. Port.
Guess what? That is not something that would be reported. But he did tell me the criteria to have A-fib, which is what I had, is at least 300 beats per minutes. (Average is 60-80 beats per minutes) Excuse me?!?!? Say what?!?!? No wonder I passed out, that would effin hurt. He went on to tell me more that he had learned from the report that they had sent him. They had to shock me several times. This means that they were having a hard time getting me back. This is where I become a basket case. I was accepting of one shock and my heart returning to normal. I am just not OK with them fighting to get me back. This is another bipolar moment I guess because everyone keeps telling me to just be grateful that it is in the past but I am sobbing now just thinking about it. Because you know what, I am mad as hell!! Why is this keep happening to me?? What am I missing in God's master plan for me?? Because it is so unbelievably unfair. It is not about pain, I can do pain. It is not about illness, I can do illness. But this constant life-threatening illnesses can be shoved up the asshole of this guy I once knew who moved to Tampa. No, I am saying that he should get the illness, that they should be tucked away for no one to get them. I wish that hell on no one. Not even him, he is some one's dad.
I feel lost because I went to The Mayo for answers and the biggest answers I got was New Year, new attempt by my body at death and this attempt was a doozy. I AM NOT READY TO DIE. Did you hear me, God??? NOT READY. So please stop trying. I have been trying so hard to live my life in a way that shows that I am grateful for life and grateful for all that I am given at all times that I never just say, yes, I am pissed as hell that life is unfair. That would be wrong, that would be selfish, that would be uncaring. But on the crazy train, no one gives a damn and I am riding that train right now so, for once in a long time, I don't give a damn about anyone else either.
I always think about the small, sick children and those losing their battle with illness before I allowed myself to feel at all bad about what I am going through. But the crazy train conductor told that I don't have to do that anymore. I can just feel mad, sad and sorry for myself because for every 3 people who are sicker, more dying, etc, etc, there are 10 more who are better off. It is OK to feel badly. It is OK to get upset that things are not going the way that I had planned 25 years ago. Or even on the day I got married. I was healthy and had no anticipation that this would be my life.
So for few days I will just be heartbroken. If you talk to me and wonder what's wrong, that's it, it's my (emotional) heart healing and that just takes time. It doesn't take long for me. And the best part of the crazy train for me, I can never ride it long, I miss my home. I miss my normalcy, I miss me. So I will be back. I just need to mourn another almost (very serious) near death experience. I need to be pissed, I need to be sad, I need to feel slighted and I need to then feel better. I will get there and I know I have all the support in the world to help me find my way.
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