My Bipolar Life

In six days, it will be one of my best friend's 40th birthday.  All around me, my friends are turning 40.  I will be 40 very soon, myself.  It is an interesting time in life.  You still feel young and fun but you are smart enough to know better.  You make wiser choices most of the time.  You are better able to lead by example, you are usually settled and content.  However, part of you still oddly feels like high school just happened yesterday.  I want to talk a bit about my friend who turns 40 next Wednesday.  We are newer friends but I still count her as one of the most important people in my life.  She is one of the few people who comes to the hospital when I am sick.  She even spent the night with me there when I was scared.  She held my hand and hugged me even though she is not the most touchy feely person in the world.  She was just there.  Sometimes just being there is all I need.  I like to talk A LOT and usually about myself and my feeling and she always lets me.  She als

April 24th is always a weird day for me, a life changing day.  Yes, I know today is the 23rd but I just may not be able to get my thoughts out clearly tomorrow, I am mental, after all.  :) Forteen years ago tomorrow ago one of my best friends got married on a beautiful day.  In a beautiful wedding.  She chose slutty bridesmaid dresses which is kind of funny because she, BY FAR, my most conservative friend.  But I digress, beautiful wedding, beautiful bride, beautiful day, beautiful love story.  A love story that is going strong to this day.  Every April 24th, is the anniversary of one of my very best friend's wedding and for that reason it is supposed to be a great day. Seven years later, to the day, the same couple gave birth to a beautiful but sick little boy.  A little boy who struggled for 11 weeks and then passed away.  Seven years later, I remember ever detail of where I was and every word said to me about his passing, not to make this about me but to relay that if it is

It was recently Dan's 40th birthday and we went to St. Louis to watch the Brewers play to celebrate.  And celebrate we did.  And after the celebrating, we celebrated.  Then we stopped for a second and celebrated. Let me explain, we sat in an all-inclusive area called The Champions Club that serviced hard liquor to us inclusively for about 4 hours.  At 40 years old, that is just never good.  Why they kept serving us, I have no idea.  Maybe they felt sorry for the only Brewers fans in the club of 200+. LOL  In their defense, we are not rowdy drunks. A little more about the day of his birthday; we woke up early because we had only driven part of the the way from Milwaukee to St. Louis.  We got to our hotel in St. Louis and took the Metra Train to Busch Stadium so there would be no drinking and driving. We waited in a line of what seemed to be a 100 million people to get in because it was a give away day at Busch Stadium.  A Cardinals Fan offered to buy our give aways. Yay, we were

I don't often share deep details about my feelings about being bipolar.  On many levels, it is still, all these years later, a source of shame for me.  Although, my logical self knows  that it is a chemical thing, my heart feels that if I just tried harder to be normal (whatever that is), I would succeed.  In doing so, I have allowed people to treat me badly and walk allover me.  I have allowed people to convince me that I am not allowed to have a range of emotions.  I have allowed people to make me think that I am dangerous to others, even people who don't know me debate this one.  I have had many, many people walk out of my life because I am just too hard to handle, including family members who should love me the most.   I often wonder why I let people perceive me in a way that isn't my true reality.  Somedays, it is because the crazy, erratic behavior that is associated with bipolar was my life for so long that most people who know, even my family, don't expect cal

Prom 2013 My first born son with what he describes as a "George Washington pose" on his way to the Junior Prom.   Watching your child prepare for the prom is a weird thing as a mom.  Part of you knows that they are growing up but part of you wants them to be your little boy needing you for every little thing.  The pride you  feel is mixed with the sadness you feel that you will never again see him watch Sesame Street and yell every characters name as they come on  the screen, calling Cookie Monster Bubba to this day.  He won't ask me to tie his shoes, in fact, he is probably going to have to be tying my shoes for me soon enough, lol. I am so proud that I didn't cry when he was getting ready or when I was taking pictures but I must admit, I am a little teary-eyed now.  Billy is not my baby anymore, he is much closer to an adult.  Don't worry though, they are tears of joy.  This young man, is a much better person than I will ever be.  He will accompli

Three dead, 170+  injured.  This is a scary, scary world we live in.  What was supposed to be a day of accomplishment and crossing things off of a bucket list was anything but that for many, many people.  It is a sad day for America, even still several days later.   We don't know their pain but we as Americans can do many things to show our support.  Donate blood if you don't already.  Volunteer somewhere, anywhere.  Be kind to strangers and think before you speak.  The best way to come together as a country in the face of this tragedy and the many more that we have faced recently is to come together as a neighborhood, as a community.   Many will now say that the laws for the mentally ill will need to be stronger because only crazy people kill like this.  The reality, my friends, is that crazy and evil aren't really the same.  Were these murders crazy?  Yes, probably but they were evil, too.  So, I guess we need to find a way to protect ourselves from the evil mental