My Bipolar Life

Some things I've learned in my 44  years... 1-It's okay to fail as long as you learn something from it. We all stumble at times, we fail, we all doubt ourselves. The true failure comes from not learning from these mistakes and trying it differently next time. 2-It is okay to be wrong, and it's even better to admit it when you are. Anyone who knows me closely knows this is still a very hard one for me. Even when I am wrong I can pretty easily manipulate a conversation to convince the other they're wrong so they ultimately concede. I really thought this made me clever and obviously right but it was honestly just evil. Own your mistakes and move on because it earns you respect. 3-You are responsible for the actions of no one but yourself so stop apologizing for other's actions. Have I ever apologized for my husband's, one of my parent's, or one of my children's actions? Absolutely, I have and I am 100%, without a doubt, certain that more people than t

I have often said that I started writing this for myself as a way to reconcile my feelings when I was very ill because I was pretty certain that I was going to die. I was also writing it for my children as a diary of sorts so they had a way to look back because because they were younger, Ella especially, and I was always afraid that the memories of me would slowly become more and more dim . I wanted them to know my heart and how I felt and just how hard I fought for them every day; that they were then and always will be the best of me, the best thing I've ever done. Thankfully, these thoughts no longer consume me and I don't worry about dying all that often anymore. I have been successfully working full-time for over four years now. Not only doing it but excelling. Ten years ago I'm sure no one ever thought I'd work again. With working comes great things because I have always been a bit of a workaholic and I drew pride from a job well done. Plus, a bit of my identity c

I always look back at my most bipolar moments with huge regret. Regret because I couldn't keep my emotions in check, regret because my behavior was out of control and often unforgivable, and regret because no matter what I do with my life from this day forward there are people who will never see me differently than they did then. I realized recently that this self doubt makes it hard for to not always be ready for the other shoe to drop especially when the self doubt turns into self loathing. I try so hard to love myself for who I am and how far I've come but that is so difficult. I am in the midst of a huge self loathing period and I have begun realize that the girl who I was is there deep down just waiting to pop out and show people who've never seen me in my most bipolar moments.  The worst part is mental illness, for me, are the days I can't see me how most people see me now as a chatty, funny, and even tempered girl. I'm not even tempered by nature and I'v

When I started writing this blog years ago it really was meant for my kids; my health was poor and I wanted them to hear my story from my point of view in case I wasn't here to tell them. Time has elapsed and I'm healthy a lot more often than I am sick so I don't often think about the line I rode between life and death more often than someone should. I was very sick, very often and I honestly couldn't tell you why I survived such hard times when others didn't. I guess all I can come up with is that life is cruel, life is unfair, and sometimes life is just downright awful. I know you are wondering what the hell the point of this rambling is but I promise that I'm getting there. The thing is, today wasn't the best day for me and I ended up in the ER and while I'm fine now, I saw and heard some horrible things. I heard people die, more than one. People that were kids, well kids to me, they were probably in their 20s. And while I sat in my room crying and p

It has been nearly four months since I've updated so I am definitely past due. The thing is, my life is busy and completely chaotic but in a very good way. While I feel like my world is spinning out of control often, I keep landing upright and waking up alive...both wins in my book. Life is mostly good and it's been just over a year since I last received a SSDI payment. 12 years ago when I was told that it was Social Security or risking losing my kids because I was only capable of doing one thing well, I of course chose my kids. This statement was not meant as a negative by my doctor, but rather, a gentle reminder that I was more sick than I was ready to admit. I was capable of being a kick ass employee or a kick ass mom, I was definitely not capable of both. This same doctor later told me that I am the most organized person he had ever met; he then went on to clarify that he didn't mean bipolar person but ANY person. The reality is, my world was in a tailspin but I truly d