My Bipolar Life

As I write about my journey through bipolar, I rarely speak about my mom.  I do not speak about her because talking about her is sharing things that she may not want shared so I am going to be careful to only talk about it from my feelings and my point of view because I truly can't speak of her feelings. The most important thing in all of this is that I love my mom.  But we are different, very different.  My mom and I hardly agree and I wouldn't say see things as different as black and white but it is more like we see things like fuchsia and lavender.  I see things bright like fuchsia and I need to live life to the fullest and seize the moment.  My mom is more calm like lavender and planning for the future and being prepared for what comes in from every angle.  I could learn to be more like her because my mom has never been unprepared for an emergency.  The thing is, she could probably learn to have a little fun from me, too.  No, I am not saying that she isn't fun but I

My bipolar kicks my ass sometimes and today is one of those days.  I am impulsive and do impulsive, dumb things.  And that isn't always the smartest or the greatest thing to do but that is how illness work sometimes.  It does bad things to your body and in my case that part of my body is my brain.  My bipolar doesn't always make me think clearly and act clearly and behave rationally.  The thing with the lack of rationality is that after the fact, I am so embarrassed by my behavior.   Being embarrassed because you know that you have screwed up whether it is big or small can be hard but it becomes unbearable when those you love or trust question the decision or how the decision was made.  My impulsiveness tends to be with money and I always figure it out but to have those who I think love me talk about me behind my back makes me want to hurt myself. I think people need to hear this LOUD and CLEAR, judging a bipolar's impulsive mistakes can lead to suicide or self harm.

Wow, I haven't written anything in a long tine.  I have let many opportunities slip away but let me tell you why.  I have mainly intended to use this blog to educate and inform about bipolar and create a journal of sorts for myself..  As each day went by without a post, I felt the post needed to be more meaningful and more special and I then realized that was ridiculous and I can't make my journey through life more meaningful or special and it just is what it is.  So here's what I have been up to...... Life is messy but it sure is sweet.  I had a death in my family, my favorite great aunt passed away recently.  Aunt Ev made the best tuna sandwiches and we used to watch the Young and the Restless together.  She was a great long life and I will miss her. I also finally had my knee replaced.  It had been relatively easy, much more easy that I had prepared myself for or expected.  I am grateful to Dr. Main and his staff for their expertise for helping me on my road to recover