My Bipolar Life

I write tonight as a broken-hearted mom. I've talked some about my 16 year old daughter's struggles with her health, including her mental health. It's painful to know that of the many great things that I bring to the world, I had to hand down my mental illness. I take some comfort in knowing that everyday it is easier because the medicine becomes better, the awareness becomes greater, and the stigma becomes less. But the thing is, my friends, we still have a long way to go. My heart is broken because Ella texted me earlier this evening to tell me that I child in her class has killed himself. An hour later her brother texted me from 350 miles away to tell me the same thing. And it hit me hard...really hard. And I'm not entirely sure why. Is it the fear that it could be one of my children just as easily? The guilt I forever carry that I tried to do the same damn thing to my mom many times? While I don't know why, I do know that my heart has felt heavy for 8 hours. My

I am sad, the kind of sad that makes you feel broken. The good news is that I'm not going to let this sadness break me, I'm just going to be sad for a few minutes longer, write about it, and then begin to turn the corner. As anyone who knows me (or has been reading my blog for a bit) knows, I was on SSDI for just over 10 years and I've spent about the past five years trying to regain my independence through gainful employment because SSDI was never my end game. Unfortunately, I was too ill at that time to parent my children and be employed so I chose my children. These past five years haven't been perfect and there was one person in particular who very much liked to push all of my bipolar buttons. I don't so much want to elaborate on that because even two years later it makes me feel really badly about myself and about her. That someone could be so mean spirited that she needed to hurt me in such a manner. Anyway, I requested a transfer and only said that she didn&

This has been one hell of a week... My bipolar tendencies are always worse in the spring, specifically March and April. I'm a little more stressed, a lot more easily agitated, and angry. Maybe that's why I had always made a point of traveling around Dan's birthday, April 14th. I need a break from my life and those in my life probably need a break from me. Well, except Dan, because even at my worst he makes me look for the best. And since it's his birthday, I suppose he can come. ;) Well this year finances dictate that only one trip will happen so it'll be with the kids. May is better for the kids, so May it is. Therefore, vacation is far away but the bipolar meltdown is front and center. Only a few know how close I came to losing my shit on Monday night. Instead of an all out meltdown, I took a leave of absence from work. Why you may ask? No really good reason, actually. I was frustrated, overworked, tired, and under-monied so I damn near lost it. The true straw

The world lost a great man last week...and it's taken me over a week to get my thoughts out to share my thoughts in a way that would honor him. I met Dan about 25 years ago because he was absolutely obsessed with my friend, Kim. And when I say obsessed, I'm fairly certain he thought that the sun rose for her only and that the moon set for exactly the same reason. I thought he was a sweet guy who was raised to honor a women (I wasn't wrong) but he freaked Kim out because she had never had anyone be so interested in her with such intensity...ever. She asked, "Why does he keep telling me I'm beautiful, why does he look at me like that?" She then said, "He left a rose on my windshield...again. Are you sure he's not a stalker who's going to kill me?" I mean, I was obviously an expert on marriage and long-term relationships because I was 20 or 21 so of course I was the perfect person to ask. I simply said that he seemed nice to me so let it happen