My Bipolar Life

My daughter has been sick and in a lot of pain.  I have been hesitant to talk much about it because it scares me and knowing that she could read this, I don't want her to read about the pain that seeing her hurting causes me.  The thing is, though, Ella wants me to talk about my feelings.  Maybe that comes from always having an open and honest relationship with her.  I haven't lied to her about the fact that this could be a scary ride.  She could be really sick.  But she could be okay, too.  She has been diagnosed with vitiligo which is not painful.  But she is in pain so they are still searching.  All the ER doctors think that it is an autoimmune disease.  Her primary doctor says it could be a bad infection or lyme disease.  I never thought that I would pray for a bad infection but I pray for exactly that.  So on to my true feelings......I am terrified.  Kids shouldn't be sick, they just shouldn't.  I spend a large amount of my life in pain and I have accepted that. 

I have joined an intensive outpatient program that is a lot of group therapy.  In this setting, we all talk about what is bothering us in hopes of improving our situation.  I talked about the stress that I am under.  I feel stress because of work, school and a busy family life.  The group was mostly in consensus that I need to let things go and their main suggestion was school.  It is so difficult because I am there to improve myself and gain insight but I absolutely do not want to cut back on school or worse yet, quit school.  I am trying so hard to better myself and find my passion that quitting school seems like the thing that will most likely spiral me into a deep and dark place.  I don't like that place and I certainly don't want to go there. I guess the question I am left with is, why is it not okay to follow my dreams?  Why is it not okay to put myself first?  Why does something always have to give?  I feel like now is my time and I need to work harder, try harder and

I'm a little all over the place with my thoughts today.  Not in a bipolar, I can't reign it in way, but in a I'm human and I have decency way.  Everyone of us sees so many of things throughout the day that it can be surprising which can have an impact and which can just slip away.  I think sometimes a moment in your day may have no meaning until it has passed, until it is too late for you to do something, for you to make the change that you should have made.  This happened to me yesterday and my heart still hurts a little bit because I did the wrong thing in the moment and now I regret it.  For as much as I like rules and order, sometimes exceptions need to be made because it is the right thing to do, actually the only truly decent thing to do. Our lobby at work closes at 12 midnight.  The drive-thru remains open but cannot have walk up traffic due to the safety concern.  Around 12:15 am we had a homeless women walk up and want to order food.  She was turned away, as is p