My Bipolar Life

I started writing this blog almost four years ago for one simple reason...to document things as they happened in my life. Some of it was for me but a lot of it was for my kids. Truth be told, I know my children rarely read what I write and when they do but it is of little importance to them. At the time I started writing my health had begun deteriorating and I wanted my thoughts down on paper in case I wasn't here to share my thoughts and feelings with my kids. I don't know that I thought many people would read what I had to say or care much about any of it. It's interesting what a difference a few years would make as my health seemed to stabilize and I realized that writing about the truth behind bipolar was something that others might gain insight from. In those four years, I found myself, my passions, and decided who I wanted to be when I grow up. I have come to realize that in my flaws, I have something to offer the world. My purpose has been exposed and led me on a jo

I thought by my age I'd be done learning things the hard way. I thought by now I'd be able to navigate life with finesse and ease, all while keeping a good head on my shoulders. The reality is that I may never figure anything out. I may just keep trying, learning, and evolving. I may always be working on being a better version of myself. There are still so many days that I wish I could do better, I could be better, and most importantly, I could know better. I wish there more days in which my flaws weren't front and center in every aspect of my life. I'm finally coming to the realization that some of my bad decisions may always define me. While that's a hard pill to swallow, I've overcome so much worse than a little judgment from strangers. People will ALWAYS have an opinion on what I do, how I do it, and why I do it. By opening up my life and sharing my story, I have to take a lot of the responsibility for letting others judge me. So why do I keep sharing m

My relationship with my parents has always been a complicated one. If I'm being truthful my bipolar exasperates that, as it does with my sisters, husband, kids, and in-laws. Bipolar is ugly and it has made me do ugly things. Things that perhaps some will never forgive. I honestly think that's the case with my father and one of my sisters. That's not to say that I don't have a relationship with them but it's awkward and strained, at best. I've made my peace with it and accept my responsibility in the state of those relationships. Is it hard, yes, but it is what it is. In a perfect world, everyone could see past the awful I've done due to many years of poor mental health but the world is not perfect. This past spring the relationship with my mom came to an ugly place. I'm not here to point blame because that doesn't help anything. But at this point, we're just broken. And as anyone who's had an estrangement from a parent would understand no ma

Do you know one thing that I've found through my bipolar? That love shouldn't be conditional.  Every single person that you encounter will have a challenge that they're facing and if they are someone that you hope to love you should do it wholeheartedly and without reservation. Loving someone is hard but yet it is by far, the best thing we'll ever do. It is my 43rd birthday and to say my life has been rough would be the understatement of the year. You see, I come from multiple broken homes. I generally don't share that part of my story because it is in my nature to protect everyone and not cause shame to them. But in doing that, I only cause myself shame. I was unplanned and probably unwanted. My first father walked away before I was born. My mom then subsequently married the man who would eventually adopt me. I don't know that he really wanted me, either. I guess I'm somewhat of a disappointment. I may never be good enough, together enough, or perfect en

Sometimes the misconceptions about mental illness are frustrating. I am not a danger to society and rarely a danger to myself. I think these misconceptions are exasperated by a society that has raised each generation to be more entitled than the last.  Every year, month, week, or day there seems to be a new illness that someone is blaming their bad behavior on. Don't get me wrong, I have bipolar and I know mental illness is real...very real. But that illness is not a license to assault, rape, or murder without consequence. It is not a license to premeditate ways to behave badly all the while intending to blame it on illness. This abuse of decency is why many believe mental illness isn't real or why they believe that anyone with a mental illness is scary or dangerous. I think, as a woman with mental illness, I need to first and foremost remind those with illness (mental or otherwise) to take their medicine as prescribed. Be an advocate for yourself and your illness. Stop using

As I'm sure is clear by my recent post (on my Facebook page) I'm struggling right now. I thought that now was good as time as any to update my blog. I've struggled in the past with sharing my really hard times because I've wanted to stay positive about how bipolar can be living a good life. This post is not about that, it's not about overcoming adversity and ending up on top. It's about the hards of bipolar. This is another side to my story; my current truth. The shitty part of bipolar, and many other mental illnesses for that matter, is that everyone wants to know why? Why are you sad? Why can't you just shake it off? And my favorite...why can't you let the little things go? And for me it's not an overwhelming sadness but rather extreme edginess, replaying things in my mind over and over, and sometimes, like now, anxiety. The frustration this causes makes me scream, overreact, or cry and sometimes all three. So to answer the question why...it'

Bipolar is a weird thing because it does such things to my mind. It makes me able to be completely rational when things are REALLY not going well for me but I literally feel like I'm losing my mind when little things that most people would brush right past happen to me. This week I withdrew from my school semester because I had a few problems with my knee that put me the hospital several weeks ago and once it started spiraling I just couldn't regain my footing. I took this in stride as a small setback in what has been a bumpy road, at best, in my schooling.  I have, up until this point, been able to barely hang on each semester without my grades suffering. I don't feel the unbearable shame that I often feel with another failure in life. But, I had something happen at work where they highlighted your name if you made an unnamed error. When my name was highlighted I was on the verge of tears at work and cried for hours when I got home. To say that I was inconsolable  would be

It has been an awful morning thus far and I have no positive spin. Just a lot of things that are not okay to someone with bipolar. I go "bipolar" on my family all the time but I left the ER sobbing and just telling the doctor that it was just not okay to treat someone the way that they had treated me. Let me back up. I started falling asleep with chest pain but every time I dozed off I saw something bad happening to me or someone I loved. I won't lie. It made me panic a bit which only made the chest pain worse. I was okay with going because I couldn't keep looking at people hurt as I was falling asleep. Fast forward to the hospital. The triage nurse told me I talk to fast (not that he couldn't understand me but that he thought it was too fast). Um okay, insult my personality before we take two steps. Then he kept telling me I'm doing great. At things like sitting and walking. Well I feel embarrassed that I'm bipolar but I also proud if who I am. Having s

The world of participation trophies is a flawed one.....a highly flawed one.  I think this mentality has warped us all to think this world is and should be an equal one when the reality is, it will always be an unequal society filled with unequal people. I guess the big difference is I don't look at our unequalities as a bad thing but a gift given us to shape our character into what we wish it to be. Fighting through my hardships have given me strength, confidence, and a sense of self. Through every down moment, every second I thought, "Damn, life couldn't be more unfair" I found me. And I'm happy with me, even with the parts others may wish to change about me. The thing is, in some parts of life I'd get a trophy and other parts, not so much.  But the lack of trophy doesn't deter me but, rather, it drives me to push harder through the things I can change. Will I ever be not bipolar? Well, no. But my point is, everyone single one of us has something that