My Bipolar Life

My relationship with my parents has always been a complicated one. If I'm being truthful my bipolar exasperates that, as it does with my sisters, husband, kids, and in-laws. Bipolar is ugly and it has made me do ugly things. Things that perhaps some will never forgive. I honestly think that's the case with my father and one of my sisters. That's not to say that I don't have a relationship with them but it's awkward and strained, at best. I've made my peace with it and accept my responsibility in the state of those relationships. Is it hard, yes, but it is what it is. In a perfect world, everyone could see past the awful I've done due to many years of poor mental health but the world is not perfect. This past spring the relationship with my mom came to an ugly place. I'm not here to point blame because that doesn't help anything. But at this point, we're just broken. And as anyone who's had an estrangement from a parent would understand no ma

Do you know one thing that I've found through my bipolar? That love shouldn't be conditional.  Every single person that you encounter will have a challenge that they're facing and if they are someone that you hope to love you should do it wholeheartedly and without reservation. Loving someone is hard but yet it is by far, the best thing we'll ever do. It is my 43rd birthday and to say my life has been rough would be the understatement of the year. You see, I come from multiple broken homes. I generally don't share that part of my story because it is in my nature to protect everyone and not cause shame to them. But in doing that, I only cause myself shame. I was unplanned and probably unwanted. My first father walked away before I was born. My mom then subsequently married the man who would eventually adopt me. I don't know that he really wanted me, either. I guess I'm somewhat of a disappointment. I may never be good enough, together enough, or perfect en

Sometimes the misconceptions about mental illness are frustrating. I am not a danger to society and rarely a danger to myself. I think these misconceptions are exasperated by a society that has raised each generation to be more entitled than the last.  Every year, month, week, or day there seems to be a new illness that someone is blaming their bad behavior on. Don't get me wrong, I have bipolar and I know mental illness is real...very real. But that illness is not a license to assault, rape, or murder without consequence. It is not a license to premeditate ways to behave badly all the while intending to blame it on illness. This abuse of decency is why many believe mental illness isn't real or why they believe that anyone with a mental illness is scary or dangerous. I think, as a woman with mental illness, I need to first and foremost remind those with illness (mental or otherwise) to take their medicine as prescribed. Be an advocate for yourself and your illness. Stop using