My Bipolar Life

Instead of wrapping up The Mayo today, I had a stress test that was a bit rough.  I had horrific chest pain during it and they noticed changes on my test strip.  What does this mean besides I can't come home tomorrow?  I don't know.  Maybe finally an answer. The biggest thing is, I am ready to come home.  All the messages and warm wishes have made me home sick in a huge way.  I have great friends and family.  I am very loved. I haven't written much about the bipolar lately, I suppose that is because there isn't much to report.  I have been shockingly stable, maybe the bad days with that are mostly over for me.  I can only hope because that is, by far, the worst illness my family has suffered.  It hurt all of us so much. Back to Milwaukee, as much as I look forward to moving someday, there really is no place like home and Milwaukee will always be mine. It is the place I met my husband, the place I gave birth to my children, the plac...

I am wrapping up The Mayo tomorrow and I go into it with mixed emotions.  I don't know that this was the earth-shattering experience that my family was hoping for.  All the tests are coming back with almost identical results to what I had from Milwaukee.  They ran a few more tests here looking for answers but they all came back negative.  They reality is, I have a problem with my blood and they don't why here anymore than they do in Milwaukee.  I had confidence in my Milwaukee doctors but my family felt so strongly that they were missing something so life-changing that I agreed to incur thousands of dollars worth of medical bills to find out what it was.  But guess what?  Sometimes, things cannot be explained.  The answers are for God to share and he isn't ready for me to know.  Am I sad?  Kinda.  Am I accepting?  Yes, I was to that point a couple months ago.   What I learned at The Mayo....... That I do not not hav...

Today is gratitude Sunday and I have much to be thankful for. To start with is my wall of cards.... I have never felt so loved in my whole life.  At about this time last week, in a post titled, "To make you feel my love",  I was professing my love to everyone that I care about and it seems that people are professing right back.  For that I am grateful. I have had many friends who have provided meals for my family and for that I am, also, grateful.  That makes it so much less stressful for Dan and it gives him more time to focus on school and the kids' needs and those are big priorities to us. I have received flowers, fruit baskets, and various other gift baskets/care packages and for that I am too grateful.  There are extra snacks for everyone (I am fasting a lot) and the flowers just make it more homey. I have received texts, Facebook messages and emails from people checking on me and for that I am grateful, as well.  One of my less emotional fr...

All that the doctors did yesterday was succeed in pissing me off and that made me walk 1 1/2 miles on the treadmill to get the energy out.  Which the exercise was good, I suppose. I started the morning off with, "you may have cancer" and ended it with, "until we read the films ourselves we trust no other doctors findings of clots or strokes."  The arrogance yesterday was through the roof.  One doctor even laughed because I was from Milwaukee, (and Milwaukeans are known to be dumbasses, I guess).  Well guess what, buddy boy, my Milwaukee son got a 32 on the ACT and he is plenty smart and could be a doctor if that is what he wanted to be.  You, Dr. Edell, are just a man from Texas or Oklahoma (where they are definitely known for genius) and just a person like the rest of us.  So get off your high southern high horse. it is very unbecoming.  Yesterday was the first day that I was not impressed with the Clinic and I really wanted to come home.  A bi...

Today was by far the roughest day at The Clinic because I unknowingly lied when I said that there were no tests that I wasn't afraid of.   I am afraid of head MRI's without sedation.  And I literally lost my shit and cried like a 3 year old and said I wasn't doing it.  So much for keeping calm and carrying on, I guess sometimes crying like a baby works fine, too.  LOL But the truth is, I listened to my music and cried all the way until I had to walk back, you know like a dead man walking (or so it felt), and then I kept calm and carried on throughout the test.  I effin did it, y'all.  They gave me some oral Ativan and it was a wider machine but it was still better than I had ever done before.  For that I am very, very proud. Why the test you may be wondering?  Well today was a big one here and the thrombophilia clinic think they may have some answers.  They think that I may not have migraines at all but a brain disease of some sort that i...

If you think you can, you can. If you think you can't, you still can.  Keep calm and carry on.  I got a card today that said this and it made me think about how I am handling myself. I have been calm and carrying on even when I think I can't.  But the thing is, I think I can, I am.  I am moving forward each day through each test and then the next test.  Today was no exception.   It was a great day. Day 2 at The Mayo went very smoothly and easily.  I went through 6 or 7 tests and they ran on time for all of them.  The facility is absolutely amazing, concise and welcoming.  It is unbelievable how they can do that in a place so large, but they do it. The thing I am finding by being here is that I am proud of myself for doing this regardless of the result.  I am forever telling my kids to conquer their fears head on and I am doing just that.  I am just putting one foot in front of the other. listening to my music and making it work....

Well I survived day 1 at The Mayo and it was interesting to say the least.  I got referred to 6 specialists and I felt as if the doctor took everything that I was taking seriously but it is still very overwhelming to know that tomorrow that I have 8 hours of back to back testing and right now I am currently on a fast.  And as I look around the room all I can see is treats.  Now, any other night would I eat 80 candy bars in one night, hell no, but I really do want to tonight.  LOL I am trying to think of the words to describe what it was like but it was nothing weird or unusual but just a REALLY long doctors appointment.  Like 2 1/2 hours long.  The doctor was nice enough but he wouldn't be someone that I would probably chose to see again and again, too businesslike and cold, I like the more friendly ones.  Maybe that it just what happens when you don't really have a regular practice.  That is my speculation. I have received cards, gifts, lette...

I leave in 11 1/2 hours to go The Mayo and I am in major shutdown mode.  I think every bit of energy I had that was propelling me forward is gone and fear is just completely set it.  This is not how I wanted to be but unfortunately, I think it is how I expected to be. I am fearful of something going wrong and there being any doubt in anyone's mind how I feel about them. To my sisters, brothers, brothers-in-law, sisters-in-law, nephews and nieces, you are all a huge part of my heart.  I love each and everyone for different reasons and I hope that I have been loving enough that you just know. To my friends, I hope that each and everyone of you know where you fit in my heart.  I love big and I love each of you for a certain reason and I hope I have told you enough that it shows through my actions. To my aunts, uncles, and cousins, I am blessed with a big and loving family and I love you all whether we are really close or not.  Grandma and Grandpa have creat...

Billy got into college!!!!! Someone asked if I ever had any doubt and I would be lying if I said I had no doubt because parenting is a scary and rocky road, at least for me it is, and I often wonder if illness and rough times have damaged my kids just enough to hinder their success.  But I digress, this post isn't about me but him and his journey to get here.  The point is, he may of gotten in spite of me not because of me.  But that is is okay by me, I am so proud of him that it doesn't matter. He got accepted at The King's College in NYC.  It is a small private college and all though he isn't sure that he is going, I am reasonably certain that we are going to the student/parent orientation weekend because he is interested but he can't just go out there blindly.  That would be irresponsible and expensive if he hated it there.  He hasn't been to NYC since he was four and really doesn't remember it.  But when he grows up, he wants to work on Wall Stre...

I am spending entirely too much time on this blog writing about The Mayo Clinic but I think for the next few weeks, my life will revolve around it so it has become all consuming. One thing that I don't know if I have mentioned are the sacrifices that my family have made to make this trip to The Mayo possible.  But they are huge, but in all fairness to me, I did lose on going to the Clinic in a 4 to 1 vote so I guess they should be supportive.  Haha  This trip will essentially turn Dan into a single parent.  Dan's parents are on backup to come to be with me when my mom needs to go back to work and my mom is dropping everything to take me in the first place. Now, I am prepared for how I will handle any bad test results if my in laws are there.  They will cry, hug me and hold my hand.  And that is okay, it is a known and I like to know what to expect.  My mom on the other hand is not demonstrative with her emotions and generally needs a minute alone t...

As, I may or may not have said before, going to The Mayo Clinic was never really my idea.  It first started with my father in law, then my mother and mother in law jumped on board at about the same time, then finally Dan.  I am still not completely, entirely on board with the whole process but my family is of the utmost importance to me and if this makes them happy, then Minnesota, here I come.  Add in the fact that they had to call an ambulance for me at work tonight, I think it is time that I admit that something is wrong and it just needs to be found. I am spending hours and hours trying to figure out what I am so worried about and I really think it all comes down to the unknown.  There is no test that they could possibly run that I haven't had before so that I am not at all scared of that. That part is a breeze.  The part that is not a breeze is just not even knowing what to expect.  What will happen?  Will it be test after test after test? ...

This blog has been filled with various things that to most people seem to have no rhyme or reason but this blog is about my bipolar mind and my bipolar mind is generally filled with no rhyme or reason.  Maybe that is the point of the whole blog, to make those who are terrified of those with a mental illness to know that it isn't always really necessary to be afraid because most of us are pretty tame.  Walking around the world hopping from topic to topic because that is exactly how their brain feels; for me it is as if someone is almost constantly changing the TV channel, just as I figure out what is on, they click the remote. My mind continues to be fixated on Piano Man by Billy Joel, I should probably purchase that on CD for the drive to Minnesota.  I have no idea why but by this point, it has become a source of comfort.  Here it is for your listening enjoyment. LOL   I also have friends that are a source of comfort, old and new.  Many of new o...

Two hundred twelve hours from now I will be sitting in my consultation appointment at The Mayo Clinic. The fact that I have it broken down to hours, cannot be healthy but I think that is okay because most of how I am handling myself in preparation for this trip is a little unhealthy.  But, hey, that is why I am going right, because I am not healthy so I am may as well stay consistent.  LOL I will be honest, I am scared................REALLY SCARED.  I have broken it down into a couple of categories of what I am scared of so that I can conquer each one and be normal(ish) for the next week. First- and the biggest, is the unknown.  I like to be in control and I am losing most control when going to The Mayo Clinic.  While, I will still have rights and can refuse testing, how stupid would it be to travel that far and refuse all their recommendations.  It could be a very easy, non-invasive experience or it could be just test after test after test.  Ugh, ...

There are some things in life that may be a turning point for every person and mine may just be The Mayo Clinic and I have not even gone there, yet.  It is the anticipation that may kill me, that has me unsettled and just plain out of sorts.  I am also deep into a migraine.  I don't even know why but I kept trying to changing everything about the trip.  For example, I went on hotels.com and picked a hotel called The Guesthouse Suites several days ago, later that same day, my mom called and said that she found the perfect place and it is called The Guesthouse Suites.  After spending six hours trying to talk my way out of MY first choice hotel today with my mom, she finally asked why?  And I said I didn't know.  The closest I can come up with is that I am scared and planning and finalizing makes things more real.  OR and this is a big OR that fact that my and I picked the same hotel scares me shitless because that never happens. We are usually apple...

It has been decided and January 21st is the day.  I am going to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN for a head to toe evaluation.  I have a very hard time even talking about it without crying.  Sometimes they are tears of gradititude that the best hospital, where 1000's of people are turned away each week, that I was chosen.  But mostly they are just tears of fear and sadness.  I am scared, sad, and jealous of those who are never, never going to be considered as a patient at Mayo.  I understand that there is a very good chance that they may help me but what in the hell will I do, if they find more.  My plate is full and I am not open to more but it could happen, there could be more. I will update as I go along, but all I know at this point is that arrive and will be greeted by a cardiologist at 1:30 on that Tuesday afternoon.  He will do a head to toe assesment and assignment most of my tests at that time and lay out the next 3-7 business days. ...

As anyone who reads this blog or even knows me, knows, my sister, Kim got married this previous August.  (For those of you keeping track this is the wedding where I won drunk bridesmaid by a landslide.)  Kim married a man name Ken who I have known approximately 5 years and I have seen a total of 6 times in those years.  Well, to be honest, I really didn't know him at all because he is VERY quiet.  In the first 5 times I saw him, he said a total of 10 words to me and those words were, "Hi Lisa", each of the 5 visits.  So in August, I watched my sister marry a virtual stranger and hoped that everyone who knew him was truthful with me when they said he was a good, solid man who take care of my Kiki forever.  She has always has and always will have a special part of my heart because of our huge age difference, she was more my little shadow for years than contemporary, and it wasn't until the last dozen years or so that I felt that I didn't always worry about he...

I never write much about James' because quite honestly, he is private and prefers to keep it that way.  And that's ok, maybe I could take a lesson or two from him.  I guess I worry that in reading my blog, it appears that I only have two children and in fact I have three, all of whom, I am very proud. James' handles me, life, prospective death much differently than my other two.  As hard as that is for me, our life is his personal journey and he is allowed to travel it in which ever path he chooses.  He rarely visits in the hospital and I miss him like crazy but I get it, it is scary and awful and I think that is his way of making all of this not real.  So as I write this blog about James' I will only touch mildly on his feelings about the bipolar because his personal thoughts are not mine to share.  He walks his path, I  walk mine; sometimes they are side by side and sometimes not so much.  He is becoming a man and he needs to walk his own p...

I saw this on Facebook and it got me thinking.  How successful am I at doing these things?  Quite honestly, not very successful. 1.  I have nowhere near made peace with my past and the worst part of that is that if I can't, how can I expect others to not judge me my by my past?  I am bipolar (which I have accepted) but before the diagnosis, I was bat shit crazy.  Hell, even quite a few times since the diagnosis, I have lost it and not been in a place of all that much control.  The Christmas season is, by far, the hardest for me and I have made it through that this year successfully so that is a step in the right direction.  I need to find the strength to accept that one bad decision or even a series of bad decisions don't make you bad.  They just make you a person who had made bad decisions on occassion. 2.  While I respect that what other people think of me is none of my business, I am the ultimate people pleaser and really, really do ...