Somewhere over the rainbow

As, I may or may not have said before, going to The Mayo Clinic was never really my idea.  It first started with my father in law, then my mother and mother in law jumped on board at about the same time, then finally Dan.  I am still not completely, entirely on board with the whole process but my family is of the utmost importance to me and if this makes them happy, then Minnesota, here I come.  Add in the fact that they had to call an ambulance for me at work tonight, I think it is time that I admit that something is wrong and it just needs to be found.

I am spending hours and hours trying to figure out what I am so worried about and I really think it all comes down to the unknown.  There is no test that they could possibly run that I haven't had before so that I am not at all scared of that. That part is a breeze.  The part that is not a breeze is just not even knowing what to expect.  What will happen?  Will it be test after test after test?  Or worse yet, will they look at my chart and say, this is as far as we can go.  The Milwaukee doctors have taken this as far down the road as it can go and this is your life.  I guess I am scared of the second opinion being the same because the first opinions aren't the greatest.  I am 40 years old and I have dreams and I feel them slipping away.  What if The Mayo doesn't help this?

As I sit here and fill out The Mayo health question and answer yes to most of the questions, I just can't help but cry.  Did I live in a delusional world where all they were telling for the past few years didn't mean anything?  I have so much left  I want to do with my life but will I have a life to do it with?  Will I run my 5k as planned, will I get my Master's Degree or is all this hard work right now for nothing?  Maybe it wasn't delusion but hope, hope that they were wrong, hope that I would get better, just hope in everything that life has to offer me.  I guess I can look back on my senior quote from 20 + years ago, "Life is a journey, not a destination."  And I must admit even with the sickness, I have had one kickass journey.  I met the love of my life young and for that I am very fortunate because we have had a lifetime together already and we are only 40.  I have 3 beautiful children and they, too, are an amazing gift.

And, if I am fully honest, The Mayo and all the doctors helping to get me there are a gift.  Because they COULD find something life-changing.  They could extend my life for years.  I just need to focus and FIXATE (because I definately fixate) on this.  I need to be thankful and not sorrowful.  Because sorrow and pity parties solve nothing.  They just make it harder to accept your reality and your journey.  My journey is uniquely mine and I need to embrass is.

As I write this, now almost daily, I think of this as a great legacy to Dan and the kids of how I felt during any part of the journey.  Not that I plan on dying anytime soon but I think that them knowing how I feel and where I come from and maybe why I may be more edgy is never a bad thing.  I know Dan reads daily, but I think my kids do not, but maybe someday they will want to know what it felt for me because unfortunately, it is a hard conversation to have between a parent and a child about serious illness and feelings about the illness so we don't talk about it much.  I know that they love me and for me that is enough.

I am attaching another song that I love that will be part of my "Lisa get well songs", as Christeen calls them.

Now, I know that some may find this to be a sad song but to me it is very uplifting and I think that The Mayo may just be my rainbow and Minnesota is definately way up high.

I am going to do my best to update daily while I am over the rainbow at The Mayo for those who are interested in what is like and what we find.  No promises, though, spring semester starts the first day of The Mayo.