My son.....

I never write much about James' because quite honestly, he is private and prefers to keep it that way.  And that's ok, maybe I could take a lesson or two from him.  I guess I worry that in reading my blog, it appears that I only have two children and in fact I have three, all of whom, I am very proud.

James' handles me, life, prospective death much differently than my other two.  As hard as that is for me, our life is his personal journey and he is allowed to travel it in which ever path he chooses.  He rarely visits in the hospital and I miss him like crazy but I get it, it is scary and awful and I think that is his way of making all of this not real.  So as I write this blog about James' I will only touch mildly on his feelings about the bipolar because his personal thoughts are not mine to share.  He walks his path, I  walk mine; sometimes they are side by side and sometimes not so much.  He is becoming a man and he needs to walk his own path and he is doing that with grace, success and dignity.

James is brilliant and has always been mechanically minded.  From a very young age he could take a HUGE lego set and dump all the pieces on the floor and build it without directions just by looking at the picture.  He has moved on to bigger things such as bookshelves now and he never ceases to amaze me with that sheer intuition to build, design and create.  I think that he may someday be an architect or an engineer because coupled with his eye to build, he is amazing with math and numbers.

I think James' true calling is in entertainment, though.  He is in stage crew and really, really likes that aspect of the production.  I can see him directing someday.  Although, he is pretty calm and I don't know if directors have to be intense and yell all day, that he couldn't pull off.  He likes a peaceful and relaxed existence.

If directing isn't his thing, than maybe comedy is because he is so funny.  He has the quickest wit and he keeps us on our toes.   He loves to pull pranks and practical jokes and I can't help but laugh when maybe a more strict mom may punish him.  Don't get me wrong he isn't breaking the law, he just thought it would be funny to zip tie Billy's locker closed one day because Billy made him mad....simple, calm and so effective.  Billy didn't think it was funny, but trust me, it was.

James' is the one who got the shortest end of the stick when it comes to my bipolar diagnosis.  He was the littlest, so very little when I was diagnosed and I think that he didn't get me at my best when he needed me most and I was maybe a less than stellar mom at those times, so long ago.  Bipolar isn't just about me and it never will be because it adversly affects our family.  Bipolar is so much more than being depressed versus being happy.  It is a very guilt filled life to live as you navigate it as someone's mom when you are bipolar but we all do the best we can.  And as much as I think Jamie has had the hardest road to navigate of the three, he is the strongest of the three.  He will be a man that any woman will someday be glad to call her husband because he just leads with his quiet strength and he will always be protective of her, as he is of me.

Bipolar once has again given us a gift and that gift is the strength and quiet reserve of my son.  He can handle any rejection and hardship that comes his way and I think that is because the uncontrolled bipolar of his younger life made him see things that he can't fix and persevere anyway.  I need to remember, as all parents do, that you are raising men and women and they learn by example.  From me, he learned compassion because I at times truly needed just compassion and from his father, he learned, loyalty and strength.  But the reality is, at this point James is becoming his own man and learning on the job because everyday he more man and less boy.  He is someone I that I am very proud to call my son and thank God everyday for blessing me with him as my son.