The Wild Card
I am spending entirely too much time on this blog writing about The Mayo Clinic but I think for the next few weeks, my life will revolve around it so it has become all consuming.
One thing that I don't know if I have mentioned are the sacrifices that my family have made to make this trip to The Mayo possible. But they are huge, but in all fairness to me, I did lose on going to the Clinic in a 4 to 1 vote so I guess they should be supportive. Haha This trip will essentially turn Dan into a single parent. Dan's parents are on backup to come to be with me when my mom needs to go back to work and my mom is dropping everything to take me in the first place.
Now, I am prepared for how I will handle any bad test results if my in laws are there. They will cry, hug me and hold my hand. And that is okay, it is a known and I like to know what to expect. My mom on the other hand is not demonstrative with her emotions and generally needs a minute alone to process her thoughts before she says much. She is my wild card. But as she is evolving into this mom who is in the fight for her baby's life, she is evolving. She sleeps over night at the hospital with me often even though I know she hates every second of it. She is just softer, but I don't know that either of us are ready for crying, hand holding and hugging if there is bad news. I guess the way my mom handled it was never wrong so it doesn't need to change. But on the other hand, if it does, that is great, too. Maybe we aren't ready but maybe it is time. Sadly, a blessing of this illness is seeing my mom fight so damn hard for me. Maybe holding my hands is the next step. I asked her if she had thought at all about how she would react and she said she thinks it will just be a surprise for both of us. I hate surprises like this but I love my mom and all she has given up for me so if it has to be a surprise than so be it.
As I get older, I hope to someday be the one to care for my mom, I hope to outlive her and be given that chance. I want to be able to hold her hand and tell her everything thing will be okay. But in life we aren't given these choices and right now it is just my mom constantly being the one telling me it will be okay. I think some days she isn't even sure that it will be but she keeps on keeping and pushing me forward to a place of better strength and sanity.
I was trying to think of an appropriate song for my family so that they know what this all means to me and I think I found the perfect one. (I am digging adding songs to The Mayo journey, Christeen is going to put them all on an MP3 before I leave so I can listen during icky tests).
One thing that I don't know if I have mentioned are the sacrifices that my family have made to make this trip to The Mayo possible. But they are huge, but in all fairness to me, I did lose on going to the Clinic in a 4 to 1 vote so I guess they should be supportive. Haha This trip will essentially turn Dan into a single parent. Dan's parents are on backup to come to be with me when my mom needs to go back to work and my mom is dropping everything to take me in the first place.
Now, I am prepared for how I will handle any bad test results if my in laws are there. They will cry, hug me and hold my hand. And that is okay, it is a known and I like to know what to expect. My mom on the other hand is not demonstrative with her emotions and generally needs a minute alone to process her thoughts before she says much. She is my wild card. But as she is evolving into this mom who is in the fight for her baby's life, she is evolving. She sleeps over night at the hospital with me often even though I know she hates every second of it. She is just softer, but I don't know that either of us are ready for crying, hand holding and hugging if there is bad news. I guess the way my mom handled it was never wrong so it doesn't need to change. But on the other hand, if it does, that is great, too. Maybe we aren't ready but maybe it is time. Sadly, a blessing of this illness is seeing my mom fight so damn hard for me. Maybe holding my hands is the next step. I asked her if she had thought at all about how she would react and she said she thinks it will just be a surprise for both of us. I hate surprises like this but I love my mom and all she has given up for me so if it has to be a surprise than so be it.
As I get older, I hope to someday be the one to care for my mom, I hope to outlive her and be given that chance. I want to be able to hold her hand and tell her everything thing will be okay. But in life we aren't given these choices and right now it is just my mom constantly being the one telling me it will be okay. I think some days she isn't even sure that it will be but she keeps on keeping and pushing me forward to a place of better strength and sanity.
I was trying to think of an appropriate song for my family so that they know what this all means to me and I think I found the perfect one. (I am digging adding songs to The Mayo journey, Christeen is going to put them all on an MP3 before I leave so I can listen during icky tests).
I know that each and everyone of them would let me lean on them, hell they are right now. And they can feel free to lean right back. I hope someday to be the one who needs to hold someone else up, it gets old always being held up. But this is my journey and I embrace it. My life, however long or short, difficult or easy it may be, is a gift. I think that I am a great friend, a kind person and I have been someone who many people could lean on over the years. So right, now I am leaning back and loving every single person who is letting me lean, family and friends included. So many people have asked what they can do to help and for once in my life, I have given suggestions and accepted the help without trying to take the whole burden myself. That is a pretty great feeling. So at this moment when I am not strong, thanks to everyone for being someone I can lean on.
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