When in doubt, cry

Today was by far the roughest day at The Clinic because I unknowingly lied when I said that there were no tests that I wasn't afraid of.   I am afraid of head MRI's without sedation.  And I literally lost my shit and cried like a 3 year old and said I wasn't doing it.  So much for keeping calm and carrying on, I guess sometimes crying like a baby works fine, too.  LOL

But the truth is, I listened to my music and cried all the way until I had to walk back, you know like a dead man walking (or so it felt), and then I kept calm and carried on throughout the test.  I effin did it, y'all.  They gave me some oral Ativan and it was a wider machine but it was still better than I had ever done before.  For that I am very, very proud.

Why the test you may be wondering?  Well today was a big one here and the thrombophilia clinic think they may have some answers.  They think that I may not have migraines at all but a brain disease of some sort that is causing narrowing of the blood vessels.  This narrowing would also be causing the multiple clots.  A neurosurgeon would fix it and I would be headache free and almost clot risk free.  Scary but seems worth it to be better.

I received two beautiful bouquets of flowers today and the cards keep coming.  The outpouring of love is amazing.  Thanks everyone.  XOXO

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

It Is Okay To Be Scared

Started this last night, dozed off during the writing....so here it finally is Today is NOT my favorite day.....I am completely exhausted emotionally and physically.  The reality of my life is that I have so many people who truly love me but I honestly don't think any one person understands me.  I recognize that it is difficult to understand another person's situation especially when they look at things completely different than you do.  I understand that my loved ones and support people look at life vastly different than me, but don't we all look at the world different than the person next to us?  Unfortunately, this lack of understanding has been difficult and painful for me because I need someone to go to bat for me sometimes when I don't feel confident in my ability to express myself. I know that it seems like I am saying that I can't take care of myself and guess what, I can't.  I NEED help sometimes, a lot of the time, in fact.  I need someone to...
Read more

Where's the manic train?

The bipolar is kicking my ass. Hard!  Everytime I feel like I have this all handled, life throws a curveball and this time I can't throw it back.  I am meekly rolling it away and life is throwing it harder and harder.  I have school. my billions of doctors appointments, my family and work.  I am physically and emotionally exhausted which for me are signs of depression and I am ignoring everyone of my rules to keep myself out of a depressive episode.  These rules include sleeping on a schedule, being a little vain (meaing staying on top of my grooming; I am often told I smell great and I take pride in that), and generally just keep propelling myself forward come hell or highwater.  Well I cannot seem to do that today or lately, for that matter.  I have felt like a lot of conquering my bipolar has been strength as well as a great doctor and medicine. I have been sleeping most of the day.  Sometimes up to twelve hours a day.  This is just craz...
Read more

The Rockstar

Image
Yesterday Ella got her tonsils taken out.  The surgery went very smoothly and for that I am grateful.  She has been a rockstar patient because she is by far the strongest 11 year old that I know, emotionally and physically.  She has complained very little and  only really speaks of pain when it is time for a dose of medicine.  Additionally, she is eating anything that she can get her hands on (that is safe for the healing) and the nurses were literally shocked when they called to check on her today. So when I think about the surgery and her strength throughtout, it brings me back to the gifts that bipolar have given us.  As I have often said, bipolar is a blessing and a curse.  In this instance, it is a blessing because my daughter has learned how to power through pain with grace and dignity. (I guess I sometimes lack grace, but I always have dignity.)  I never make the bipolar a point of shame because it itsn't and I ask for the help when I ...
Read more