Making Lemonade

This has been one hell of a week...

My bipolar tendencies are always worse in the spring, specifically March and April. I'm a little more stressed, a lot more easily agitated, and angry. Maybe that's why I had always made a point of traveling around Dan's birthday, April 14th. I need a break from my life and those in my life probably need a break from me. Well, except Dan, because even at my worst he makes me look for the best. And since it's his birthday, I suppose he can come. ;)

Well this year finances dictate that only one trip will happen so it'll be with the kids. May is better for the kids, so May it is. Therefore, vacation is far away but the bipolar meltdown is front and center.

Only a few know how close I came to losing my shit on Monday night. Instead of an all out meltdown, I took a leave of absence from work. Why you may ask? No really good reason, actually. I was frustrated, overworked, tired, and under-monied so I damn near lost it. The true straw that broke the camel's back was when someone I respected did not understand why I could use the word crazy but it could not be used by them to describe me or my actions. Just because you can't, that's why. It's hurtful and painful and something I've been called too many times. Is it true, yes it probably is, but is it the right thing to say, definitely not. It made me feel disrespected and demoralized by someone I respected and I thought respected me.

So where does that leave me...with a new job. A job that I hope will help me advance in either my career or finance me the rest of the way through college. Because hell or high water, I will get a degree. I will be more than this. For so long, my whole identity was being sick. Now my identity is that of a menial worker. And that is not okay, I will be more.

I have thought for a long time that I have continued to get better because my role on this earth was to advocate for mental health issues and I want to continue to do so. But how, that is the question? How do I continue to tell my story while fighting for what is right? I need to continue to show that through the ups and the downs, there is more to me than bipolar. Right now, I maybe down but I certainly am not out.

Life hands me lemons more than it should, and perhaps my actions bring lemons into my life. Regardless of the hows or whys, I will continue to make lemonade.