Their Everest Maybe Your Anthill

I write tonight as a broken-hearted mom. I've talked some about my 16 year old daughter's struggles with her health, including her mental health. It's painful to know that of the many great things that I bring to the world, I had to hand down my mental illness. I take some comfort in knowing that everyday it is easier because the medicine becomes better, the awareness becomes greater, and the stigma becomes less. But the thing is, my friends, we still have a long way to go.

My heart is broken because Ella texted me earlier this evening to tell me that I child in her class has killed himself. An hour later her brother texted me from 350 miles away to tell me the same thing. And it hit me hard...really hard. And I'm not entirely sure why. Is it the fear that it could be one of my children just as easily? The guilt I forever carry that I tried to do the same damn thing to my mom many times? While I don't know why, I do know that my heart has felt heavy for 8 hours. My child barely knew the boy and I didn't know him at all but that's probably where the pain comes from. It was so close to home this time that it cut deep. But it will be close to home, sadly, for all of us at some point.

It just makes me think about missed signs because life gets busy, we get complacent, and we don't often see what's right in front of us. So the first thing I did was remind my children that their dad and I loved them through the good, the bad, and the ugly. They can tell us ANYTHING and while I can't promise I won't be disappointed or sad that will never change my love for them or my pride in them. Sometimes, probably more than sometimes, that NEEDS to be said out loud. Mental illness is a tricky beast...when the self-doubt creeps in your brain convinces you that others think you aren't good enough. But you are good enough, we are all good enough so tell those you love just how great and special they are. Reach out with kindness even when someone isn't being kind to you. If someone is pulling away from you, ask yourself why, ask them why...just find out why.

My son said something so telling to me when he texted me earlier, "Mom, it just shouldn't be that bad when you're so young." The thing is for me, it was, and as I've shared, I am so grateful that I never succeeded because my life on the other side is pretty amazing. So if you can't understand the feelings please, please, please don't discount them because they are very real in that moment. Seek the help for your loved one and the help you need to be supportive.

As I walk my journey with mental illness I had often asked myself, "Why me? Why couldn't I have a easy life, free of trouble?" I don't ask myself that anymore because I figured out a couple of things. The first being that I was given this life to advocate for those who can't advocate for themselves. I'm doing well and I have been for years. Is it perfect, no, definitely not, but it is pretty great. Secondarily, I realized that while I felt so sorry for myself that was a waste of time because we all have something to fight through...some are given huge challenges and others are a bit smaller, but every life is full of challenge. It is unfair to compare or quantify pain. I became my best self when I began running my own race and only competing with myself. My point is, just because someone's problem seems trivial in comparison to yours that doesn't mean it is to them. So listen and hear what they say. Their Everest maybe your anthill and that's okay. It's always okay to not understand and be compassionate, anyway. Maybe this is a lesson we can all learn...

My heart is heavy with sadness and I offer my condolences to the family, the friends, to all who loved this young man.

If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, help is just a phone call away...

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
800-273-8255