My Bipolar Life

It is a few days after Christmas and I have survived.  This time of the year is almost always a series of horrible decisions made by me because I simply cannot handle the stress of the holidays.  I have in my head these Norman Rockwell ideals that few could obtain, especially me.  For all my strength and kindness, I am not, nor will I ever be, the quintessential homemaker.  I am not good at the chores, I don't bake, I have little time to cook between school and work.  But deep down I want to be that person even though I know that it just never will happen. This makes me spend the weeks from November to December feeling bad about myself and like I let my family down.  This year was a little different, though.  I only had 3 major meltdowns (compared to the dozen I usually have.)  I think the difference this year is that I have been finding more of my worth of the last few years.  I buy nice, thoughtful gifts, which I know is not the reason wh...

I have always prided myself on my strength.  I get almost giddy when someone says that I am the strongest person that they have ever met because once I started managing my life with the steely determination that I was in control of the course in which my life goes,  I began to control the bipolar instead of it controlling me.  I began to work again and not only work but rather be quite successful at it.  I have won a fairly major award for my commitment to volunteer work.  This was the word I used to describe myself if asked: strong, and I carried that strong badge proudly.  I eventually realized that I was not actually controlling the course in which my life goes at all but I was simply controlling how I reacted to it.  I could choose to face the storm head on and say, "well this isn't my plan but it is His plan so this I, too, can overcome." or I could curl up in a ball and let life wash me away.  I could let my identity be stolen and I could lo...

Please welcome Christeen, my first guest blogger......... I am Christeen, and Lisa has graciously allowed me to share about borderline personality disorder here on her blog.  To be diagnosed with bpd one has to exhibit 5 of the following symptoms: fear of abandonment, torrid relationships, black and white/all or nothing thinking, impulsive and/or dangerous behaviors, suicidal thoughts,inappropriate anger, intense and highly unstable moods, paranoia, and dissociative symptoms. Of the 9, I have 8.  The hardest part for me about bpd is that even many mental health professionals consider us to be beyond help.  How can we tell ourselves we can manage our symptoms, let alone our loved ones, if even ours psychiatrist tells us we cant? If you have bpd and are seeing a professional that believes you cant get better, please find a new one.  We CAN and DO learn to manage our symptoms. I would like to talk for a moment about how my mental illness affects my personal relat...

Six small words that are nearly impossible for many to learn.  I have learned over time to not let the bipolar define me but rather be a small part of the many things that define me.  Learning this was a turning point in my life.  I think that realizing this was almost as important as the medicines that I take to keep the chemicals in my brain balanced. The thing is, bipolar can be such an ugly disease that rips away a lot of who you are underneath it all.  Bipolar makes you behave selfishly, bipolar makes you act impulsively, bipolar makes you behave rudely,  But what we all need to remember that bipolar doesn't make you selfish, impulsive, and rude.  I know that people have a hard time separating an action from who a person is in general.  I get that because I feel great shame for a lot of my behaviors over the years.  I have figured out, in time, that I have to forgive myself for the bad behavior bipolar creates within me.  I wish that...

I learned something interesting in my journey just this last week.  Bipolar doesn't only affect your mental health but it affects your physical health, as well.  What kind of bullshit is that?  It's not enough that I have to feel like I am literally losing my mind sometimes but I can't feel pain in the same way as my"normal" friends can?  That kind of blows but it clears things up a bit for me.  Let me try and explain.....the chemicals in a bipolar's brain ebb and flow, this we know.  But what I learned was that this ebb and flow causes us to sometimes  feel pain more intensely than it really  is and sometimes less than it really is.  As many of you know, I had my knee replaced on July 1st.  Two weeks after surgery, I was asking if we could talk about me going back to work on light duty ( it was anticipated that I would be out until December) and how soon I could go on the rides at Six Flags with my kids.  No, I could never walk ...

Today is a day that is hard for me whether I am bipolar or not.  My husband lost his uncle two years ago today.  To watch his cousin, Jessie go through that, even from afar was difficult because I love Jessie as if she were my own cousin and with Facebook we have become more and more close over time.  So the interesting thing about my blog is that it just talks about life as I pass through it, as anyone passes through it. Looking back to two years ago, I am going to share my Facebook status from that day.  I had just come home from my sister's wedding in San Diego and it was what should have been a very happy time for us as a family.  It turned sad and heartbreaking quickly. Facebook status 8/11/13: We didn't always plan on driving to  Kensuke  and  Kim 's wedding but a few months ago, I came up with one of my great ideas or as  Dan  calls them my "Lucy ideas". The thing was, and until now only Dan knew this, I felt a very st...

As I write about my journey through bipolar, I rarely speak about my mom.  I do not speak about her because talking about her is sharing things that she may not want shared so I am going to be careful to only talk about it from my feelings and my point of view because I truly can't speak of her feelings. The most important thing in all of this is that I love my mom.  But we are different, very different.  My mom and I hardly agree and I wouldn't say see things as different as black and white but it is more like we see things like fuchsia and lavender.  I see things bright like fuchsia and I need to live life to the fullest and seize the moment.  My mom is more calm like lavender and planning for the future and being prepared for what comes in from every angle.  I could learn to be more like her because my mom has never been unprepared for an emergency.  The thing is, she could probably learn to have a little fun from me, too.  No, I am not sayin...

My bipolar kicks my ass sometimes and today is one of those days.  I am impulsive and do impulsive, dumb things.  And that isn't always the smartest or the greatest thing to do but that is how illness work sometimes.  It does bad things to your body and in my case that part of my body is my brain.  My bipolar doesn't always make me think clearly and act clearly and behave rationally.  The thing with the lack of rationality is that after the fact, I am so embarrassed by my behavior.   Being embarrassed because you know that you have screwed up whether it is big or small can be hard but it becomes unbearable when those you love or trust question the decision or how the decision was made.  My impulsiveness tends to be with money and I always figure it out but to have those who I think love me talk about me behind my back makes me want to hurt myself. I think people need to hear this LOUD and CLEAR, judging a bipolar's impulsive mistakes c...

Wow, I haven't written anything in a long tine.  I have let many opportunities slip away but let me tell you why.  I have mainly intended to use this blog to educate and inform about bipolar and create a journal of sorts for myself..  As each day went by without a post, I felt the post needed to be more meaningful and more special and I then realized that was ridiculous and I can't make my journey through life more meaningful or special and it just is what it is.  So here's what I have been up to...... Life is messy but it sure is sweet.  I had a death in my family, my favorite great aunt passed away recently.  Aunt Ev made the best tuna sandwiches and we used to watch the Young and the Restless together.  She was a great long life and I will miss her. I also finally had my knee replaced.  It had been relatively easy, much more easy that I had prepared myself for or expected.  I am grateful to Dr. Main and his staff for their expertise for ...

I saw a new surgeon today and I ended up being a little disappointed with how it went.  He hasn't said no to my surgery but he is presenting my case to a panel of surgeons for additionally view points.  He feels that a new replacement is the only option but that I may not survive the surgery or that I could suffer serious complications/ Well on to my feelings about all of it.... One, I absolutely don't want to die. I value my life because I am blessed with an amazing life with love, laughter and joy.  That being said, I am incredibly pissed off that I didn't get a different answer, the answer that I was truly seeking.  I wanted so badly to hear that this surgery could be safely performed and that my quality of life would improve.  I am in constant pain which can be exhausting because I have had to give up things that I truly enjoy, like the gym, just to preserve my walking for work.  I love my job but the pain while working is insane.  But the gym ...

It is Saturday and I truly came on here to talk about things that I am grateful so I began reading over the last things that I was grateful for and I was taken aback at how quickly things can change when other people's actions are less than respectful.  That made me realize that although I am grateful for many things, I need to take the time today to remind people what my blog is truly about and that is educating people a much as I can about bipolar.  It is not only about the dangers about the bipolar present to the bipolar person but also how the person may act.  I am the first to admit that bipolar people can be difficult but with that I want people to remember that bipolar is a very serious illness.  The sad part is, that I don't always recognize when I am being difficult because it all seems very logical and normal to me.  I don't get high strung and overwhelmed on purpose, it is simply a manifestation of mental illness. So why am I off on this tangent you...

It's Saturday which means it is time for another installment of my Gratitude Attitude.... 1.  I am grateful for Kimmie....she keeps me sane.  That's a hard job because I feel like I am drowning a lot.  I am glad that she always reaches her hand out to pull me to sanity. 2.  I am grateful that I survived this week....it simply sucked. 3.  I am grateful for my job.  They appreciate my positive nature and are working hard to accommodate my ever changing needs as I prepare for surgery. 4.  I am grateful for the confidence I feel in the doctors as I prepare to have my knee replaced.  Their pro-active nature calms my nerves. 5. I am grateful for Lorri because she helped me through my surgery prep appointment and sometimes we find friends where we didn't know we had them. 6.  I am grateful for my strength because it gets me through the darker days. 7.  I am grateful for Amanda because she has not been my friend forever but she has...

I have been trying to write this post for several days but I wanted my words to contain grace, eloquence, depth, and meaning.  So here goes...... My best friend's sister passed away very early on Monday morning.  It was sudden and unexpected and I am struggling to make sense of it all.  This is one of the hardest losses I have felt in recent years and she and I were not really close.  We were involved in each other's lives because we both share an undying love for Kim.  Our bond was solidified due to our love for Kim.  I feel a sense of loss because as much as Kim was my person, Kristi was Kim's person.  To see my friend lose her best friend is unbearable, simply devastating.  My heart breaks for her, Kristi's husband, Kristi's kids and all those who lives she has touched.  She has touched many lives and many hearts, mine included.  I have never told Kristi what I have learned from her and how much she taught me.  I wish that I ...

I have been lost for quite a few weeks now.  This knee surgery BS has had me so upset but there ismore to life then negativity, anger, resentment, and sadness, so very much more.  I have chosen once again to find my bliss and sharing it because I am blessed, as we all are...so I present to you, as I hope to every Saturday, my new "Gratitude Attitude".....10 things that I am thankful for this week. 1. I am thankful that I am loved.  Especially by Dan.  That man is annoying, difficult, cranky and quite honestly, getting old but he fills my heart with joy every day.  The yin to my yang, my partner in crime, my best friend, and, of course, the Ethel to my Lucy. 2. I am thankful that being able to buy new rings for her vacation brings absolute joy to Ella. 3. I am thankful that James had fun at Billy Joel tonight. 4. I am thankful that Billy thinks going to Six Flags next weekend is dope. 5. I am thankful that my children are each their own person...

Started this last night, dozed off during the writing....so here it finally is Today is NOT my favorite day.....I am completely exhausted emotionally and physically.  The reality of my life is that I have so many people who truly love me but I honestly don't think any one person understands me.  I recognize that it is difficult to understand another person's situation especially when they look at things completely different than you do.  I understand that my loved ones and support people look at life vastly different than me, but don't we all look at the world different than the person next to us?  Unfortunately, this lack of understanding has been difficult and painful for me because I need someone to go to bat for me sometimes when I don't feel confident in my ability to express myself. I know that it seems like I am saying that I can't take care of myself and guess what, I can't.  I NEED help sometimes, a lot of the time, in fact.  I need someone to...

An update..... I saw Dr. kohli today for an update on my knee as all the information previously that I had received was from his PA, Eric. The concerns I had about having a knee replacement at a young age knowing that a new knee would not survive my life and that they can only do one more replacement for a total of two due to scar tissue scared me.  Dr. Kohli had been talking about that for quite some time and how alternately I would end up in a wheelchair and that was concerning and part of the major, or rather minor breakdown, I had yesterday.   Eric said it was time for a knee replacement but Dr. Kohli feels differently And he feels that a second ACL reconstruction is more prudent and warranted and looks like I'm going that route on April 15th. I just need to see hematology doctor, Dr. Treisman, and see what he thinks about survival rates of the surgery because that was another very real concern of mine. Dr. Kohli said the stroke risk is a very real concern ...

I often talk about pulling yourself back up when everything seems to be trying to knock you down. This isn't just something I say, it's something I do because quite honestly, it became the only way I could survive for awhile. I then just adopted this attitude and went along seizing life. And what a great life it's been of late: my marriage is more solid than it's ever been, my kids are thriving, my job is awesome and I'm good at it, and I'm not only attending a Big Ten University but in excelling there. Oh the doubts that bipolar had put in my head about my ability to be "normal" are fading.  But that doesn't mean sometimes I'm not drawn backwards in a jolt that reminds me to never be too comfortable because life is rocky and my ability to roll with the punches is the biggest part of me. The me that I most want to be remembered. That being said, I am slipping and sliding down the slopes of life today.  It started yesterday morning. I had some m...

I haven't written anything in quite awhile, I know.  I guess when stability sets in, there becomes less and less to write about.  Less and less to share because life becomes really mundane and ordinary.  And I guess I don't think that anyone wants to hear about mundane and ordinary.  I am grateful for the stability that I now have and it is making more certain in my purpose in life.  I have for the last few years felt that my purpose was to help others and that is why I chose to study to become a victim's advocate.  I thought that I had the right mix of compassion, empathy and understanding to help others when they are going through their worst.  I realized recently that others do, too when a family member reached out to me because a friend of theirs was struggling with bipolar.  My family member thought that I could help them.  I am not sure, yet, if that is true, if I was helpful but I guess time will tell. While I continue you through my...