My Bipolar Life

These thoughts are a little late but late is always better than never...... On November 4th, Dan and I celebrated 20 years of marriage.  Wow, 20 years is a damn long time and it is a milestone that I think a lot of people never thought we would reach.  Our life and marriage are pretty unconventional in that we take turns being the grown up in the marriage.  Maybe that is what work, at any given time at least one of us is remembering to keep the fun in our life.  Fun in a marriage is a key to success as is loving unconditionally and treating your spouse as one of your very best friends.  The success of marriage comes from the fact that I am smart enough to know that Dan is the best friend that I will ever have.  He will always have my back as I will have his.  We respect our similarities and our differences.  We love each other but more importantly we like each other.  Liking each other is key, in my opinion. I am often asked how I got so...

One very big thing about bipolar or at least for me is that I did and said some awful things for quite awhile before my diagnosis.  With time, counseling, and a little love for myself, I was able to forgive myself for the many transgressions that I had committed. If I am being honest, there were too many to forgive but my heart still breaks that some of my loved ones aren't able to forgive and try to know me for who I am now.  Am I perfect?  No, not so much.  Am I different than I was before medication and the work towards a better me?  Yes, a lot different.  I am a good person, a kind person, a fun person, a funny person.  And too many people who should truly love me just don't know this.  Things like, "It's not my fault that I don't like her" have been said about me.  That hurts immensely and makes me tear up just sitting here thinking about it.  I want to be loved for who I am now, not disliked for my past mistakes. Part of me think...

Even when life seems to be going well, I sometimes get kicked back into reality.  The reality, my reality that is, I am sick, very sick and I always will be.  It interferes and it is a pain in the ass.  I lost the ability to advance at something that I felt I was succeeding at because there is concern that my illness makes me unreliable.  If I am honest, I think that the decision maker doesn't really find my illness to be a real thing.  I so wish it wasn't a real thing.  I wish that this damn bipolar wouldn't have made so many other systems in my body fail.  Or begin to fail at the very least. Twenty years ago such defeat would make me curl up in self-defeat.  But my 41 year old self is not having any part of the self-defeat.  I am not defeated, I am thriving.  I am in college at a Big Ten University and I got there because of hard-work and perseverance.  I am so proud of that fact.  My kids are all thriving.  I am so pr...

Never one to disappoint, I am having a very bipolar evening.  I often try to look at the positives that bipolar has given me but today I am stuck in one very huge negative and that is my huge insecurity.  I know that the insecurity could also be exasperated by my personality but I really don't know where illness ends and personality begins so I like to think that I can blame the illness for this.  I guess I like the idea of blaming the illness because illness has a treatment but I am just stuck with a shitty personality if that's the problem. I have been struggling with someone who is very important to me.  We have a long term relationship and when we were kids, we had commonalities, friendship and fun.  Bipolar was pretty much a non-issue because it hadn't shown its hand yet and we didn't know what a game changer it would be in my life and in the lives of those around me.  I have hurt everyone around me, this person included.  Bipolar made me quite ...

Wowza, I haven't written anything in quite awhile.  I guess life has been busy and I have had very little to say.  I guess part of me feels that when I am writing a blog about my life with bipolar, each post should somehow be relevant to my struggle with bipolar.  The thing is, though, there is so much more to my life than bipolar.  I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, a niece, an aunt, a friend.........and a person with bipolar.  There are so many more components to me than bipolar.  There are so many words than describe me besides bipolar.  I am more, yet, I feel like people expect it to define me.  Hell, for a long time I THOUGHT it did define me but it definitely does not.  Today is not a day that is about bipolar.  Today is a day that is about Lisa, the mom.  I truly hope that who I am as a mom is more of a reflection of who I am than who I am in the moments of bipolar crazy.  I hope my legacy is that of a great wife,...

On this day, several years back, my cousin passed away.  I don't generally talk about him much because quite honestly, we weren't that close and I never wanted to interfere with my feelings when others are grieving.  I just wanted to be there, support them, and love them.  That was and still is my role.  But on this anniversary for some reason, I feel truly compelled to share my memories of him.  Even with living many miles apart, I have strong vivid memories. Sean was my older cousin but not by too many years, we are two of 15 grand kids so the age range is huge.  As a young girl (maybe preteen)  I just remember Sean as someone who would entertain me at boring family functions.  He was funny and loving even when all I probably was to him was younger and annoying.  He included me, made me feel welcome and loved.  I only saw my cousins about once a year because I lived far away.  Most of the family lived close together so it was ea...

The whole ice bucket challenge has me thinking.  It is supposed to raise money and build awareness and I truly think it is not doing the latter.  I don't think that people know anymore than they did a few months ago, myself included. If I am being completely honest, I know almost nothing about ALS.  Well, except that is is often called Lou Gehrig's Disease.  While I think the money raised cannot be taken lightly, I think that it has somehow warped into a game.  A game that hasn't taught me anything about ALS but has shown me A LOT of bikinied women and topless men. Following is a list of things I did not know..... 1-ALS is short for amyotrophic lateral sclerosis  2-It is a progressive neurogenerative disease 3-It affects the nerves in spinal cord and brain 4-In later stages, patients may become totally paralyzed 5-Symptoms include muscle weakness, twitching and difficulty breathing as the disease advances While I am a huge fan of ...

It is has been a little over a week since Robin Williams passed away and a lot has been said about it, by many.  I don't really know where to begin in my opinion of what I think or feel about his suicide.  I am torn because I value life so it breaks my heart that he had no strength left to fight his demons but who the hell am I to judge another.  I am not God, I am not a judge nor am I a juror.  I am just a person who lives with my own demons that I certainly hope aren't judged by the whole world someday. I think by talking about my true feelings about his suicide, I am opening myself up to hatred and judgment.  That will have to be okay because your hatred and judgment will be your cross not mine.  I have made peace with my past and my demons and I guess the reality is, I don't care if you can't make peace with my past or my demons.  You have your own past and demons to make peace with.  That's the beauty of life, we are all different yet we ar...

I am trying with every ounce of my being to write this light and airy post.  One that is funny and makes everyone laugh and remember my old, fun self.  Where has this girl gone?  The reality is that I am happy.  I have a great life because I am loved.  At the end of the day, all we really need is for someone or several someones to love us deeply and unconditionally and I have that.  I actually have a lot of that.  With all that being said, my life is still extraordinarily hard.  Some days, it just plain sucks.  I am sick and so many people think that I am a hypochondriac.  That shouldn't matter but unfortunately, it does.  In the past year alone, I had a very near death experience and I was also clinically dead for about 2 1/2 minutes.  I often have pain but I still smile at everyone I see.  Is it my (mostly) positive attitude that makes people think it is fake?  I guess the whys don't matter, it hurts nonetheless. ...

Being bipolar can be really fucking hard sometimes.  If you regularly read my blog, you know that I try to not let the bipolar get me down.  I do not let it define me.  I look for any positives that may exist because of the bipolar.  None of this changes the reality that it can be so excruciatingly, devastatingly hard.  When these bad times hit I kind of feel like I am treading water in deep water.  Am I drowning?  No.  I don't need to be rescued but I am getting tired in the deep water so a little assistance would be nice.  I have friends and family that help me all the time.  For that I will always be grateful.  I think that I have so much support because I am a genuinely good friend.  I am there when needed, always. The key to these friendships is longevity.  These friends and family members know me at my worst and they love me nonetheless.  I am very lovable at my best.  Luckily, I am my best self most of t...

Sometimes I wonder where the bipolar lets off and my personality enters.  I am not only bipolar;  I am a women who loves hard and trusts easily.  My trusting nature causes me to get hurt easily because I can easily be taken advantage of by others.  I let people in too close to my heart and don't protect myself enough.  All of these things can be huge problems and my heart hurts today because of it.  Is my naive nature because of the bipolar, because of my upbringing or just because this is the person I was born to be? I was called psycho and poison last night.  I was told that I have accomplished nothing in my life because I am 41 and all I do is work at McDonald's.  I know some of you may think I should have responded with a big "Fuck you, you know nothing", but the reality is that she knows me fairly well.  I would say we were friends but does a friend hit you so far below the belt?  Dan tells me to let it go because her opinion mea...

Billy leaves for college in exactly one month.  I think reality has just hit me, he is really leaving.  Sitting here now, this is the first time that tears have come to my eyes thinking about it.  I always knew this day would come and I am so proud but I don't know that I am ready, after all.  I don't know that I am ready to be done parenting him but the reality is that whether he stays here or goes, that time of my life is gone.  The ship has sailed, he isn't a baby anymore.  He is a man and I need to trust that I have made enough good decisions and given him enough tools to be a good man, a loyal man, a kind man.  The type of man that any date would be proud to introduce to their parents.  I think I have done these things but time will tell. Unless you have seen your child move on and move out, it is probably very hard to understand the bittersweet feelings that I have.  I know that everyone told me that it all goes by so quickly but I d...

As I navigate my way through school, I am afforded a lot of opportunities to write about mental illness issues.  I am preparing to write a paper about the treatment of the mentally ill in prison.  I feel so passionate about all issues that the mentally ill face.  I feel protective of anyone with mental illness.  I feel like I am part of an exclusive club that few understand.  I don't love that I understand this club but I do, very well. What I wonder about my passion for mental health issues is would I feel this way if I wasn't mentally ill?  Would I care at all?  Would my passion even be compassion for those who faced these very serious illnesses?  Sadly, I think it would not.  I think I wouldn't feel anything at all towards the mentally ill.  I also feel that this is not okay.  Why does one's activism come from their own adversity?  Does this make me and every other new found advocate a hypocrite?  Is our activism fake...

My daughter has been sick and in a lot of pain.  I have been hesitant to talk much about it because it scares me and knowing that she could read this, I don't want her to read about the pain that seeing her hurting causes me.  The thing is, though, Ella wants me to talk about my feelings.  Maybe that comes from always having an open and honest relationship with her.  I haven't lied to her about the fact that this could be a scary ride.  She could be really sick.  But she could be okay, too.  She has been diagnosed with vitiligo which is not painful.  But she is in pain so they are still searching.  All the ER doctors think that it is an autoimmune disease.  Her primary doctor says it could be a bad infection or lyme disease.  I never thought that I would pray for a bad infection but I pray for exactly that.  So on to my true feelings......I am terrified.  Kids shouldn't be sick, they just shouldn't.  I spend a large...

I have joined an intensive outpatient program that is a lot of group therapy.  In this setting, we all talk about what is bothering us in hopes of improving our situation.  I talked about the stress that I am under.  I feel stress because of work, school and a busy family life.  The group was mostly in consensus that I need to let things go and their main suggestion was school.  It is so difficult because I am there to improve myself and gain insight but I absolutely do not want to cut back on school or worse yet, quit school.  I am trying so hard to better myself and find my passion that quitting school seems like the thing that will most likely spiral me into a deep and dark place.  I don't like that place and I certainly don't want to go there. I guess the question I am left with is, why is it not okay to follow my dreams?  Why is it not okay to put myself first?  Why does something always have to give?  I feel like now is my time a...

I'm a little all over the place with my thoughts today.  Not in a bipolar, I can't reign it in way, but in a I'm human and I have decency way.  Everyone of us sees so many of things throughout the day that it can be surprising which can have an impact and which can just slip away.  I think sometimes a moment in your day may have no meaning until it has passed, until it is too late for you to do something, for you to make the change that you should have made.  This happened to me yesterday and my heart still hurts a little bit because I did the wrong thing in the moment and now I regret it.  For as much as I like rules and order, sometimes exceptions need to be made because it is the right thing to do, actually the only truly decent thing to do. Our lobby at work closes at 12 midnight.  The drive-thru remains open but cannot have walk up traffic due to the safety concern.  Around 12:15 am we had a homeless women walk up and want to order food. ...

It is an interesting dynamic that I find myself in right now.  Full of shame and full of pride all in one moment.  I have voluntarily committed myself into a mental health unit.  As I signed the papers, I couldn't help but feel heartbroken that I am again going down this path.  In a strange way, I feel proud, too, because asking for help is difficult.  And a bit humiliating.  It is humiliating admitting that you are slipping, that you aren't always strong and that you need help. As I sit in this bed waiting for the ambulance to transport me to the locked facility, I need to remember that this isn't something that I chose (the illness, that is).  For whatever reason, God has chosen me to be bipolar.  I like to think that it is because I handle it with grace and do my best to educate anyone that I come into contact with.  About ten minutes ago, the had security escorted to my door.  Not because I warranted security but because it is prot...

Today my son graduates.  As he puts it, "High school graduation isn't a big deal, it just proves you are not a screw up.'  The reality is that to me, it is a big deal.  I look back at the long and winding road that has brought us here and I am astonished that it has turned out this well.  For all the gifts that bipolar has given me: loving, caring, compassionate and understanding, I have failed miserably in other ways.  I was sick A LOT.  I put my husband in the position to be a single dad at the drop of a hat more than I care to remember.  But, you know what?  My son is truly amazing.  Somedays I think that I had a huge hand in that and somedays, I think it is in spite of me.  Today, I feel that I had a huge hand in shaping the man that he has become. When I wasn't sick, I was truly involved and engaged in his upbringing.  I gave him the gift of independence and patience by not always putting him first.  If I was bus...

I haven't written a long time because as my last entry said, I have been in a bad place.  I would love to say that I am in a much better place but that isn't very true.  In the last few weeks alone, I have had three people tell me how horrible I am.  Well as much as I truly try to not worry what others think of me, it is nearly impossible when three people who know you well think awful things about you.  How do I not take that personally?  How is that not about me?  Am I simply delusional about who I am and what I bring to the table?  Am not the kind, caring, friendly person that I want to be, that I think I am? I have made some changes and one of the biggest is that I am seeing a new psychiatrist.  I needed that change.  I needed some new tough love but there needs to be love in there.  My previous doctor wasn't all that invested in my well-being.  He said some rather mean things to me at my last appointment and I used all my str...

I haven't written in several weeks because these last few weeks have been especially hard and I tend to get closed off when things don't go my way.  I have a very hard time admitting out loud when I am failing.  I like to think of myself as strong, confident and indestructible but the reality is that I am probably none of these things.  I want so badly to be perfect and to achieve perfection that I will probably kill myself trying.  The saddest part is that I don't expect perfection from anyone but myself.  I am the first to defend someone when they behave badly, fail or simply stumble yet I NEVER allow myself this courtesy.  Part of me knows that this is because if I allow myself to see my million faults then I will know with absolute certainty that everyone else can easily see these faults, too.  I don't want faults, I want perfection.  Simple, unattainable perfection. The last month has been hard because I am struggling with school.  It ...

A GUEST BLOGGER..........THIS IS BILLY'S ESSAY FOR HIS SCHOLARSHIP TODAY.  I LIKE IT AND I AM VERY PROUD.                                                              -L As a Christian, the values laid out within The Bible are very important to me and its influence carries over into many facets of my life and the lives of others. However, when contemplating my response to the prompt, The Bible was taken off the table. This caused me think about what other values and ideas I hold and what in turn influenced me to possess these ideas. Immediately, I thought of the ideals of freedom and equality. Then, I knew by being brought up in the United States that these thoughts had been instilled within me since a young age. After realizing this, however, I was still unsure of what truly influence me and others with like thinking. I...

Tomorrow afternoon my firstborn child is applying for a huge scholastic scholarship to a small private college in New York City.  There are so many problems with this scenario.  The main being that I am simply not old enough for this to be happening and I am not ready.  I know that this isn't about me, but today, I feel so many emotions that make it about me and those emotions.  My son is almost a full grown man and that scares me shitless. As parents, we all spend so much time questioning our decisions and wondering if we are doing the right thing.  I still wonder that daily.  As qualified as my son is to earn this scholarship, which I don't know that I can take any credit for at all, it is painful to watch him try for something that he might not get.  It is hard to watch your child soar and fail because at this moment, I don't know if it will be a soar and succeed  or a soar and fail.  The mommy in me wants to protect him from any disappo...

Today is Valentine's Day and it is not a day that is generally celebrated in our house yet "cupid" left a box of turtles on my pillow tonight.  Why this year?  Why this day?  Why does my normally less than romantic husband have the urge to be spontaneous and romantic?  Well, if I am honest, I think it less about Valentine's Day and more about the scare I gave him last week.  Oh, and maybe the ease in which he can find heart-shaped candy on February 13th. Marriage isn't always easy and a happy one is no exception.  Add to that the toll that my health has taken on both of us and we have changed over the years.  I have become scared of every little ailment, terrified that I am always dying, more demanding and whiny and just plain difficult.  Dan for his part has shut down some, has stop being romantic and has become short-tempered. I am sure you are wondering why I would share the bad of my marriage but the truth is that out of the bad comes the go...

Today I did the FASFA for my son to go to college and the ball is rolling.  All of his applications haven't been reviewed yet but it seems that he is leaning towards The King's College in Manhattan.  That is where I filled out the fasfa for.  The most amazing thing to me after I figured it all, it looks like he will be getting a $178,800 education and all he will owe is $22,000 in loans.  He would pay $22,000 to go almost anywhere. Billy received a $61,000 scholarship from them (yes I know is said $64,000 on Facebook but that was wrong).  He got a Presidential Scholarship in the amount of $60,000 ($15,000 per year) and a $1,000 donor scholarship for his freshman year .  (This is the discrepancy because I thought it was $1000 per year.)   I guess it was an innocent enough mistake. I desperately need some good news and this is helping A LOT.  We work very hard as parents to help our children to succeed and I hope that this is Billy's succes...

This blog is not called "My Bipolar Life" for no reason.  I am bipolar and with that you should expect some amount of crazy.  I lost my shit yesterday and that was just the beginning.  Sometimes you should expect the entire crazy train, that is what you are getting today.  The most interesting thing about bipolar, at least in my opinion, is things that are entirely logical to me make entirely no sense to anyone else.  NONE!!  But yet, I keep on keeping on, in what I think is a perfectly logical way (which apparently it is not) and doing the best I can to keep calm and carry on. Well on the crazy train, there is no calm, there is just a bunch of basket cases and I am one of them today and probably will still be tomorrow.  I went to see the best cardiologist in Milwaukee today, Dr. Port, and luckily he is my doctor already so I have a report.  Coincidentally, he has worked with my cardiologist at The Mayo and he wondered how I did with him because...